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It’s that time of year again – London Fashion Week! And Proudlock has got his best tartan out of mothballs especially for the occasion.

Victoria and Sophie are commenting on the “nursing home”-like qualities of one of the model’s choice in footwear; Spenny and Jamie are watching Emma “modelling” the latest range from C&A; and Wheeze, Binky and Mark-Francis are in the front row of a show being fabulous. Binky doesn’t really “get” fashion, and says she doesn’t care enough about it to be at London Fashion Week. How selfish of her, there are starving children out there who would kill to be on the front row of Tom Ford SS15.

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Alex and Janey are enjoying some sumptuous eggs Benedict together. Janey wants to meet Alex’s parents. Apparently Binky has already met them, and she got Alex’s stepfather wasted. Why was THAT not filmed for the show? Tsk! Alex beats around the rumour bush with Jane, who reiterates that she believes he didn’t sleep with another girl. Then Robbo walks in. WTF? Why is HE invited to breakfast with Jane? Who the hell does he think he is? Get out Robbo! Get OUT!

Elsewhere, Binky and Wheeze are having tea. Wheeze talks about how Robbo made her feel like a lady, when he came to her dinner party for sad embittered singletons. Binky therefore decides to call Alex and Robbo and attempt to play matchmaker, much to Wheeze’s chagrin. She tries to rip a napkin in half with her teeth by way of repression.

Cheska has called another summit to discuss The Rumour, this time with Stevie, who has pre-ordered her a pinkScreen Shot 2014-04-22 at 14.10.18 milkshake. The matter of last week’s text message comes up. It’s revealed that “their mutual friend Freddie” has found out that Alex in fact DID do the vertical fandango with someone other than Binky. As much as we all liked to think Alex was one of the good guys, no-one on the planet is surprised. I’m more concerned about who this Freddie person is? That’s quite a CPN (a Common Posh Name) but could it possibly be Fredrik Ferrier, who has been at choral choir camp for the last 3 seasons? Anyway, Cheska doesn’t know whether to tell Binky because she really doesn’t want to be involved. You keep saying this Cheska, but you I’ve eaten food that’s been less involved in my mouth than you are in this situation.

Spenny and Emma go on a double date with Jamie and the great-granddaughter of Gucci. Jamie just generally acts like a bellend around her. Alex comes over to meet them all. Gucci’s granddaughter grills him about his relationship with Binky, despite only having known him for about 13 seconds.

Across the room, Wheeze is dressed as the girl from the Chanel No 5 Christmas commercial from 1998 (see end of blog post if you haven’t got a clue what I’m on about). Robbo comes over and asks her out. I’ve decided that despite looking Dickensian last week, he’s progressed to Plantagenet this week, which we all know was a sexier era for manhood.

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Cheska is having drinks with her dog. The End.

The boys go to a muddy field to dangle from vines, squeeze themselves through cylindrical rings and generally act a bit homoerotic together. Proudlock asks Jamie if he likes Gucci’s granddaughter. He says no, not really. Proudlock then says “are you going to bring her to Lucy’s birthday then?” I’m like “Proudlock, why would he bring her if he’s not that into her?” But then Jamie is all “yes, I will bring her”. Whatever.

Sophie can’t say the word “graffiti”. She and Victoria are vandalising a wall somewhere. Mark-Francis comes along and somehow finds the courage to admit that he enjoys a whiff of gangster.

Wheeze tells the girls that she has an upcoming date with Robbo the Plantagenet. Lucy smirks at this seeing as she knows what a date with Robbo is like (“do you have any brothers or sisters?”)

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At Lucy’s birthday, Jamie rocks up with Gucci’s granddaughter and Lucy’s all “why have you brought her without my permission” then turns to Gucci’s granddaughter and adds “no offence”. She then asks Jamie if he’s told her he loves her yet before Rosie drags her kicking and screaming to the bar.

Wheeze and Robbo are on their date elsewhere, playing Jenga. It’s not even giant Jenga, its normal, dull, table Jenga. Score! Robbo tells Wheeze he’s never had a girlfriend because he’s a commitment-phobe. Yawwwwwwwwwn. That storyline has been done, Robbo. At least bring something new to MIC, if you insist on being in it. For once, can we please have a character with a multiple personality disorder or who’s father was sent to prison for tax evasion? PLEASE!

Spenny has taken Emma for dinner. He says the wankiest sentence about hoping that he can have the honour of calling her his girlfriend. Emma is all “nah”. She declares that he is “twenty-five years of age” and that he must have “lots of girls flocking at his feet”. Slight mixed metaphor Emma, but she’s got moxy for being the first girl on MIC to not surrender to Spenny’s pee-pee.

Back at Lucy’s shin-dig, small Sam is playing the harmonica for Gucci’s granddaughter. She’s all “whatever…get me out of here and back to the Venetian mansion I’m used to thanks to my fashion-house dynasty millions.”

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Lucy apologises to Alex for accusing him of cheating. This is the first time in her life that she has apologised to anyone. Ever. It’s a shame that it’s a waste of time given that we are all about to find out about Alex’s dirty secret, which, according to Stevie, ALL OF OXFORD knows about. I wonder if my Aunt and Uncle do…they live on the Oxfordshire border.

Cheska arrives at the party to devastate Binky. It’s really very sad and I don’t want to make a joke out of it because I feel awful for Binky. Also, I was so enthralled watching it that I didn’t really write any notes about it. Alex comes over to defend himself. He has a valid excuse for accidentally shagging someone else – blackouts. I might use that excuse next time I want to murder someone.

Next week’s predictions: Steph, the Queen of reality, is BACK! That’s all that matters about next week really, right?

– A

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One thought on “Made In Chelsea S7E3: “Taking pictures at a fashion show is as bad as the ‘private jet selfie’…it’s just not done”

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