Fancy checking out last week’s blog in an actual magazine? ‘Course you fancy it! Click here and check out my column (I’m a bit like Carrie Bradshaw…or Janet Street Porter) on Page 13.
To Chelsea, to Chelsea, to buy a fat pig…
In the aftermath of his guilt-laden declaration of love for Binky, Alex decides to take her where all young lovers like to go of an afternoon: The Horniman Museum of boiled cats. I would have perhaps chosen a drive-through cinema, but whatever. As they peruse the carcasses of deceased domestic animals, Alex jokes around that he didn’t really mean it when he told Binky he loved her last week. It’s fairly tragic because I actually don’t think he’s joking and seems to be up to his eyes in filthy, filthy lies.
At the gym, Jamie and Spenny are trying to be all macho. They are sparring with each other *rolls eyes* Jamie is wearing a sleeveless top which means one thing: the Peter Pan tattoo is horribly visible for everyone at Virgin Active to gawk at. Jamie and Spenny decide that they are in need of a boys’ night, just the two of them. Bless them. Andy then rocks up and Spenny invites him along to the aforementioned boys’ night, which Jamie is bitter about. Jamie really hates Andy – there, I said it! Andy then asks how Jamie’s chat went with Lucy last week to which Jamie says “yeah it was good, it was good…I basically said I was sorry to her…and…you know…sorry.” Thanks for that Jamie.
After the gym, Spenny and Jamie “bump into” a girl called Emma Miller. She’s a bad actress because she is supposed to act like she wasn’t expecting to run into them on the street but her face doesn’t appear to be able to morph into any other expression than vacant. Spenny explains that he knows Emma because they were in St. Barthes together, but have known each other for years. This is always the standard story of how people in Chelsea know each other. The basic formula for being acquainted with someone is always the same. It’s a fill in the blank situation: “Oh, I know XXX from when we were both in the coastal resort of XXX together, holidaying on XXX’s yacht, but we’ve actually known each other for XXX years, because we both went to St XXX’s school for posh bastards together”. Anyway, this bird is apparently a big deal because Spenny explains to Jamie that he used to be infatuated with her. I mean, she has the personality of my bedroom curtains but okay…
Sophie, Mark-Francis and Victoria are in some sort of garden centre, wearing furs and heels. Mark-Francis says “when the world wearies and ceases to gratify, there is always the garden,” which Sophie and Victoria respond to by looking at him blankly. Victoria says that she is going through a re-birth (this is part of her media training, she is trying to establish herself as a newly nice person). Mark-Francis says that he is good with his hands. Obviously this is a bit of a sexual inference and I think to myself “wouldn’t it be nice if there was a storyline where Mark-Francis got a bit of dick”
Double date alert! Binky and Alex have invited Lucy to dinner to set her up with Alex’s roommate Robbo, on account of the fact that Lucy has become a bit hermit-like. Robbo looks like he’s straight from Dickensian times – a bit malnourished and bog-eyed. Also, the veins near his eyes can be seen through his skin. He’s not hot enough for our Lucy and she clearly finds him as interesting as a cottage cheese sandwich. She sighs in his face with irritation and says she’d rather hang out with her dog. Lucy is so wonderfully un-tactful – she is my idol. Robbo (is his surname Cop?) asks her if she’s always lived in London and whether or not she has brothers or sisters? He has clearly been to dating school.
Boys night! Andy, Spenny and Jamie are at Rent A Whore down the road. Each is sitting with a token blonde. Andy’s blonde’s eyes are too far apart and she tries to speak a few times but is only really able to say “yeah…yeah”. Spenny’s one looks like Molly from The Saturdays and is just slouched all over Spenny, making sure he gets his money’s worth. Spenny decides to text Alex…
…Alex gets Spenny’s text inviting him to join the boys. Binky gives him permission to go, but Alex says “why would I want to when I’m here with my beautiful girlfriend?” Robbo then says “get the violins out.” You’re a twat, Robbo. That doesn’t even make any sense!
Back at the boys’ night, Spenny sticks his tongue down Molly from The Saturdays’ throat. In walks the apparently fantastic but incredibly flaccid Emma Miller. Spenny basically then dumps Molly from The Saturdays like radioactive waste, so he can talk to Emma Miller. Molly from The Saturdays goes into the toilet to mourn her brief chance at coming across as more than a call girl on national TV.
Lucy drags Binky away from the dinner table to explain that The Rumour is still circling Chelsea like a rabid vulture. She says she doesn’t want to make Binky cry, but proceeds in basically telling her that EVERYONE is saying that Alex has been shagging around. That’s what friends are for.
Proudlock is getting a tattoo. The man who is tattooing him literally has tattoos all over his FACE! Like, you can’t even see where his mouth is.
Spenny takes Emma Miller out for tea and the conversation has all the stimulation of Lake Windermere’s undercurrent. Wheeze phones up Spenny to invite him to her sad sad singles dinner party. They still refer to each other as PORG. This is too familiar for my liking. Spenny then asks Emma Miller to join him at said singles dinner party. You can’t bring a DATE to a SAD SINGLES DINNER PARTY SPENNY!!!
Mark-Francis, Sophie and Victoria are at the gym, bouncing on some large balls. It has dawned on me that these three are the new Ollie/Binky/Cheska, seeing as Ollie has abandoned us all. Mark-Francis gives us his take on gymnasium attire, namely that he detests a round neck and will wear a “V” if needs be. I’m sorry, but I don’t like seeing MF lower himself to physical exertion. Get him OUT of that gym, and back into that garden he was in earlier.
It’s Janey Felstead. She’s BACK. And she’s lunching with Binks who tells her that Alex has said the 3 magic words. “I’ll pay?” Janey says. LOL! El Oh El! Janey is a scream! Binks explains that Alex “said he loved me, which is quite cringe but very sweet.” They then discuss the possibility that Alex is a lying cheat, but Janey can feel it in her waters that he’s not one.
Fran reveals that she was nearly coaxed by the enticing fingers of Lady Temptation to look through Alex’s laptop and phone, in order to find out once and for all if he’s been unfaithful. I say do it, Franny. Cheska then sends some sort of bat signal-type text to a mysterious group of recipients to find out if there’s any news on all this. Across Chelsea, devious women everywhere then receive a text from their leader Cheska, put on their raincoats and head off to hunt down the harlot that supposedly let Alex touch her.
So last week I asked what the score was with Stevie and Poppy. Well, my question has been answered – she has dumped his ass like a one-legged gypsy bobbing for apples. Proudlock goes with Stevie to a poetry reading where Stevie recites some bollocks about how he feels. When he’s finished, he and Proudlock repeatedly talk about how “deep” it was. They say “deep” so many times, it all gets a bit sexually tense.
At the sad sad dinner party, a spark seems to fly between Wheeze and Robbo. Well, as much of a spark that can possibly happen between a Dickensian boy and someone who still lets her ex-boyfriend call her PORG. Spenny hasn’t shown up to the party yet. Instead, he’s out at a bar, wearing a dead ferret round his neck, drinking with Alex. Emma Miller turns up to the dinner party and everyone instantaneously despises her. Wheeze’s small brother is all “who the fuck is she?” He’s actually quite funny, despite being small. Then there is this GOD AWFUL moment where Emma Miller decides to announce to the room that Spenny has told her that she is one of the two women in his life that he has been obsessed with. Yeah, that’s why he hasn’t turned up to dinner yet Emma Miller. The other person is, of course, Caggie, and the nation pines for her at the mention of her name. Everyone is like “oh Emma Miller, you are such an embarrassment, stop talking, who the hell do you think you are?” What’s hilarious is that Emma Miller delivers this information so lacklustrely, it can’t possibly be true that Spenny thinks so highly of her. She is as interesting as the soggy bottom of a leaking carton of milk. Jamie then suddenly has a go at Andy. Andy storms out with his red elbow patches on full display.
Fran, Binky and Cheska are having wine. Fran is wearing a wooly hat indoors. Cheska asks Binky if she would like her to “withdraw” from investigating The Rumour. Binky says yes. Cheska then leaves because she’s “got to be in the office tomorrow.” WHAT OFFICE?? As she is walking home, she is just about to send another Ches-ignal into the air, to call off her pack of lady dogs, when she gets a text! “Babe…I need to tell you something about Alex.” Who is this text from? What do they know? Why are they calling Cheska “babe”?
Next week’s predictions: Cheska’s search will narrow in the hunt for The Chelsea Slut; Victoria’s re-birth will progress to Phase 2 and she’ll do a charity sky dive; Mark-Francis will have a ride on a penny farthing; Robbo will try to hump Wheeze; Molly from The Saturdays will drop-kick Emma Miller in a bid for Spenny’s love; the sad sad dinner party crew will start up a sad sad book club.