This new batch of Made In Chelsea blogs begins with good news and bad news…
The bad: I was this close *holds up thumb and forefinger to indicate a small amount of finger-space* to WORKING on this season of MIC. Like, I had an interview and everything. I even saw Phoebe in the reception area while I was waiting to meet the producers. I nearly killed myself attempting to drive a massive pimped-out 4X4 from Leamington Spa into central London to get to said interview on time (I had been filming in L Spa that day). I then had to wait a month to find out what the verdict was. The job ended up going to someone called Diddy or Dolly or Cherry. Sad face.
The good: This means I haven’t had to cease and desist in writing this very blog, which I probably would’ve had to do if I started working on the show. And in additionally exciting news, The Latest Magazine has given my MIC blog a column in their weekly lifestyle publication and so this blog will be in PRINT now too! Mother may I?
Right, let’s get down and dirty…
Season 7 starts with an odd slow-motion exploration of Lucy and Jamie’s fate as they walk separately to meet each other for a drink. I think it was shot on different days though, because Lucy’s shots are all sunny and in Jamie’s it appears to be snowing. Perhaps that’s more because Lucy is a Grecian goddess and Jamie’s inability to love means that sleet falls on him wherever he goes. They meet. It transpires that after Jamie collected Lucy in a horse-drawn carriage at Christmastide, the carriage took them directly to Heathrow Terminal 3 where he boarded a plane to Miami and left Lucy on the runway to attempt to steer the horses back down the M4. And we all know that in Miami Jamie frolicked on the beach with some other girl, because lets face it, we all read the Daily Mail.
Wheeze and Rosie are sitting across the bar from them like a pair of mormon nuns. Rosie seems to be ginger now, and Wheeze is wearing a PVC bin bag-type flasher’s mac.
Spenny and Binky are off-roading, which leads to Binky off-loading. She happens to stall the jeep right where the cameras are positioned and proceeds in telling Spenny that she and Alex still haven’t said “I Love U, Baby” yet. STILL? It’s been like six years that they’ve been going out, no? Years, months, whatever. Spenny asks Binky how the relationship is going, and she says that “it’s going nice”. Hmmm… slipper socks are NICE. She then declares that she just doesn’t want drama. Wrong show, girlfriend!
Over at The Dance Attic (used to be Alisha’s Attic (90s reference)) Fran is doing VOGA (?) with Cheska, who is trying to shake off her reputation as a “Fat F**king Turkey” (an FFT). I think she’s looking pretty svelte to be honest. She and Fran discuss the fact that there’s a rumour going around that Alex has been playing with another girls canastas. You can tell that they both love it because they are both single and angry.
The problem with Andy’s glasses is that they’re too small for his face. See diagram.
Proudlock is talking to Stevie and Jamie, whilst brandishing a rugby ball. This is a token Proudlock accessory to take the focus off his leopard-print glasses, dangling earring and old lady bun. They are talking about the Jamie/Lucy and Alex/Binky relationships. Jamie is falling over his words, as per usual. My friend Anna, who I am watching the episode with at the time, points out that Jamie looks like an uncooked chicken merged with a 7 year old boy. It’s true.
Spenny calls Alex, whilst he’s on a date with Binky. Luckily, Binky is out of the room feeding the spaniel or making a pot of tea or at her spinning wheel, because Spenny is calling to tell Alex that The Rumour is now
fully circulating Chelsea. Alex looks sick to the core. That’s the look of guilt. Dirty dirty guilt. He of course insists that The Rumour is not true. Yeah, and I’m Justin Bieber’s mum, Pattie! #happybirthdaypattie
Also, Alex has zebra-print wallpaper on his phone home-screen.
Sophie and Victoria are discussing Sophie’s upcoming Bolivian themed birthday party. Victoria has obviously had some media training between Christmas and now, because she is insisting that she was in the wrong when she called Cheska an FFT. She wants Sophie to invite Cheska to her party so they can make amends. Where’s the fun in THAT, I ask myself? That wouldn’t have happened on MY watch.
At the dog shop (!) Lucy tells Binky that she’s heard that Alex has been dipping his breadstick into someone’s DairyLea Dunker, rather than Binky’s chocolate Philadelphia. Binky looks slightly crestfallen and I want to hold her. Sophie calls Cheska and invites her to her party, which Cheska accepts with all the enthusiasm of a vegan at a cock fight.
Mark-Francis is having an “art crisis” so he, Rosie and Proudlock are walking around a gallery. They then sit down, back-to-back, in a triangular formation, and sort of argue with each other about Victoria. It’s weird. It’s like Harold Pinter has thrown up on a Salvador Dalí painting.
There’s an odd double-date happening between Binky/Alex/Spenny/Wheeze. Binky is wearing chunky jewellery, Alex looks as if he might be sick and Wheeze/Spenny do some hate-flirting. The Rumour comes up in conversation. Spenny brings it up, the cheeky little scamp. Alex says that he hopes they can just put the whole thing to bed. What, like you did with your whore, Alex?
Jamie and Proudlock are playing beer pong. Andy and Stevie come in and Proudlock says they look the same, despite the fact they are wearing totally different items of clothing in non-matching colours. Hey, I have a question: where is Stevie’s girlfriend, Poppy? Is that over? Has she run off with Phoebe to start a lesbian affair? Phoebe’s absence is noted by the way, and I’m not happy about it. Jamie calls Andy a “Schweff”. I had to look this up. According to the Urban Dictionary, this is what it means:
1. A muff diver.
i.e. Someone who spends 80% of his life trying to get action, even off minging fat girls, whilst completely neglecting his friends.
Teacher: “Where’s Paddy?”
Boy: “He’s over at Margaret’s”
Teacher. “F**king Schweff!”
2. A man who chooses ho’s over bro’s.
“Did u see Will Treadwell last night walked off from us after some yats? F**king Schweff!”
Oh, Urban Dictionary. What would we do without you? “Minging fat girls” indeed. And would the Teacher really call Paddy a Schweff? I highly doubt it. And the “ho’s over bro’s” apostrophes are misplaced. And Will Treadwell is NOT a Schweff. Trust me.
At Sophie’s party, I am confused as to the theme. It’s meant to be Bolivian but everyone’s wearing eye-liner and horns on their heads. Mark-Francis is wearing a ruff! Proudlock’s got his hair down. It makes me crave the bun.
Spenny raises a toast: “Cheers to that…not monogamy…that!” Yeah, alright Spenny.
Cheska and Fran ask Alex’s permission to hunt down the girl who is spreading The Rumour and impale her on a garden hoe.
Jamie goes to Lucy’s to try and tell her he loves her. Again. It’s so boring that I am more inclined to tell you that she has a brass Lion-head door knocker, rather than tell you what she actually says to him.
Back at the party, Alex tells Binky that he loves her. Finally. Why not, eh? Might as well. It takes the focus off The Rumour after all, right? I give this relationship 4 episodes max.
Next week’s predictions: Fran and Cheska will find out who Alex supposedly slept with and chain her up in their torture chamber for embittered women; Mark-Francis’ art crisis will get even more out of control; Rosie’s hair will get even more ginger; Lucy will come out of hiding and do something fabulously Lucy-like; Sophie will have a Brazilian themed party where everyone will turn up hairless; Spenny will flirt with a girl who, from the look of the previews, has all the personality of a bottle of Cillit Bang.