It’s Christmas, and because fox hunting is now illegal, the only thing left to do is take this pastime one step further and hunt humans. So the Chelsea crew are out in the fields hunting none other than their friends. Sounds pretty appalling but then it’s revealed that the friends they are hunting are Proudlock and Jamie, so that’s ok.
Janey Felstead is kissing a horse. She then takes the Inappropriate Mother gage up to level 17 and tells Alex (her daughter’s boyfriend) that he’d look great on a huge stallion. She then kicks things up to level 20 and invites him to Christmas. She clearly doesn’t realise that last week he was finding it difficult to tell Binky that he loves her, because he doesn’t love her and he can’t tell her he loves her if he doesn’t love her. LOVE HER, damn you, LOVE HER!!
Spenny can’t ride (a horse) and so is asking his horse to act natural. He chats to Lucy, who tells a really dull story about how she has been trying to get Jamie to look at her. At this point, I realise how awkward it must be to chase the boy whose heart you have broken on a horse through the countryside, when neither of you have spoken for weeks. Way to get someone to look at you, Lucy.
Sophie has a hairless cat, called Mr Chow. It’s a sphinx cat. It’s the same as that one in that episode of Friends that Rachel buys for $1000 and then tries to sell because when it hisses it says “Rachel”. Mr Chow has been shipped over to London. Does this mean Sophie’s here to stay??? I hope so!
Post human-hunting, Lucy is telling Binky, Stevie and Alex that she is “strassssed” about the whole Jamie sitch. Binky calls her Pooh Bear again. THAT has to STOP, please. Stevie and Lucy go off to pack, because they are moving out of their flat, and Binky starts to ramble in Alex’s face about the joys of a Felstead christmas. It transpires that she still leaves a mince pie and sherry out for Santa, which immediately helps Alex decide not to accept Jane’s invitation. But how will he tell Binky this news?
Andy meets up with Wheeze to give her a christmas present. She’s all “that’s weird”. I agree. His reasoning is that this is the first year he’s not had a girlfriend to give a present to so he thought he’d give one to her. Sure it is Andy? What about when you were, like, 7? Did you have a girlfriend then? Course you did, because you are just such a stud. *rolls eyes* Well it’s not worth the paper it’s wrapped in because Wheeze can’t even figure out what he’s given her (syphilis?) Turns out it’s leggings. Score.
At the compulsory MIC Christmas episode ice skating session, Mark Francis pies off Lucy, Fran, Binky and Cheska because he isn’t there to see them, he’s here to see Victoria and Sophie, who are dressed like Russian hookers. There’s a fabulous interchange between Victoria and Lucy who call each other whores (one is labelled expensive, the other labelled inexpensive. You decide which is meant to be which). Victoria asks Lucy why she speaks like she’s from Da Hood and slags off Cheska’s ear-muffs. Thankfully Cheska can’t hear the insult BECAUSE she’s wearing said ear-muffs.
Alex and Jamie are having christmas drinks in wing-backed leather chairs and Jamie points out that it’s weird that Alex is thinking of going to Binky’s family christmas. I agree. They’ll probably be broken up by next year so what’s the point? Jamie then declares that he’s going to give it another go at trying to win Lucy’s love. I really don’t want them to get together. There – I said it. Their relationship is sexless I tell you!
Mark Francis is shopping and some rent boys in tuxedos are carrying his bags. Spenny and Lucy are also shopping for a present for Jamie. Lucy wants to get him a friendship bracelet. Oh dear. Jamie sees them and puts on his best sad face. Can you blame him? She’s buying him shoes at the time! Sexless!
At Proudlock and Jamie’s house, Francis Skypes them from Africa. I suspect he’s actually in the next room.
It’s a Christmas Banquet, bitch! Poppy burps! I see her do it! Someone crafty has done the seating plan and put Alex next to Phoebe and Fran next to Binky. The obvious thing to do is swap them around, which is what they do. Alex and Binky have The Chat where he tells her he doesn’t want to spend christmas with her. Not looking good, is it? But then he says “just because I haven’t said I f**king love you doesn’t mean things are bad”. I think this is his roundabout way of assuring us that he actually IS into her and that we, as an audience, need to be patient with them because in the real world you don’t say “I love you” or spend christmas with someone after you’ve been dating them for only one season of a TV show.
Spenny tries to resurrect the did they/didn’t they shag thing between him and Wheeze. I hear the nation say “YES”. We must know what happened with this before the year is out. But no, Wheeze just storms off and that’s the end of that.
Victoria calls Lucy cheese-breath and Cheska a f**king fat turkey, and asks that she shuts her f**king fat face. Then a massive row breaks out, which, let’s face it, is what christmas is all about, right? Sam distills the tension by playing a trumpet.
Lucy is asked to go outside to receive Jamie’s grand gesture. I am literally feeling sick with dread. It’s a horse drawn carriage. Slightly underwhelming, to be honest. In Lucy gets. I honestly want her to say to him “I’m just getting in so as not to embarrass you in front of the others” but no, she kisses him, and all is happy. Off they trot, into sexless oblivion. Will they still be together by next season…or even by next week’s studio special? We shall have to wait and see if there will be a christmas miracle…