In the aftermath of Lucy throwing Jamie’s feelings back in his face last week, whilst wearing a large brown jumper, before crying herself to sleep in her large African bed, Jamie is now back home flicking through pictures of Lucy on his iPad, zooming in on them like the mentally unhinged mistress of a Wall Street banker. Francis and Proudlock are worried about him, and I am too, because the picture he chooses to zoom in on isn’t of Lucy’s best side. Superficialism has gone out the window so it MUST be love.Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.11.23

Rosie and Lucy are shopping for naughty underwear. Rosie is wearing a dead zebra (presumably a souvenir from Lucy’s trip to Africa). They’re talking about Victoria and Cheska’s head-to-head last week and Lucy calls Victoria “a toffee nosed princess”. Andy then emerges from the klnicker rack. WHY ARE THESE THREE IN THIS SHOP? Lucy is currently spending her evenings alone with her dog, Andy CERTAINLY isn’t sexing anyone because Vitalia is too busy slagging it up with Spenny, and Rosie hasn’t had sex since she betrayed Millie Mackintosh by sleeping with Hugo Taylor in the season 2 finale. Get out of that shop. GET OUT!!!!

Binky is wearing a dead cow, and having drinks with Fran and Cheska. It is established that despite having a beautifully romantic time in Africa, her and Alex are clearly in trouble because they ain’t said “I Love You” yet. After only 2 months of dating. Shit, someone call the church verger Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.10.33immediately, and don’t forget to bring the smelling salts.

Poker night: Proudlock is wearing a hat again. Urgh. In reference to laying his bets, Alex says “I’m going to put it all in” and Proudlock appears to get a little bit excited. Alex clears up the love sitch and says that, no, he does not love Binky. I don’t think its because he is repulsed by her, it’s simply that he’s not there yet BECAUSE IT’S ONLY BEEN 2 MONTHS. I have a tupperware container of home-made cranberry sauce that has been in my fridge longer than that. Since last Christmas in fact. I really should chuck that out.

Francis suggests he texts Binky to ask if she loves Alex. BAD IDEA. But it’s fine because he apparently doesn’t have her phone number (WTF?)Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.09.47

AWKS, Phoebe joins the girls for drinks and Fran attempts to patch things up with her but Phoebe says “I don’t like you”. So that, it would seem, is the end of that. Phoebe is all “I might have said nasty things about you but you DID nasty things to ME”. Sorry, but what did Fran do wrong, precisely, aside from covet Alex? Binky is now WITH Alex, and yet Phoebe and her are skipping around hand-in-hand across the African marshes. Surely that’s worse.

Vitalia and Spenny meet up and, let’s face it, have sex. She’s one classy dame.

Lucy “drunk texts” Jamie, but it’s too coherent to be a drunk text in my opinion. She uses the correct version of “you’re” and even puts an apostrophe in it. She writes that she loves him in it but accidentally leaves out the words “as a friend” and so Jamie gets giddy. His response to this is to go over to her place and do laundry while she’s not there. Lucy’s reaction to this is to flee the house and go to Gucci with Andy. Stevie calls Proudlock over to talk some sense into Jamie. Proudlock comes over in an orange coat, which he uses to distract Jamie while he calls him a desperate psycho.Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.11.53

Outside Gucci, Lucy and Andy bump into Vitalia, and Lucy rips her a new one.

Spenny is in his psychotherapy session with Rebecca Hall of “Galileo’s Daughter” and “The Fight For Barbara”-fame. Spenny tells her that he has slept with Vatalia “several times since Africa”. Didn’t they just get back from Africa, like, yesterday? Rebecca Hall used to dress up nicely for her sessions with Spenny but she is clearly loosing the will to live as today she is wearing an old piece of tat.

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.16.42They all go to see a shit Icelandic band, and between them wear a collection of beanies, trilbies and caps-on-backwards. Jamie is miserable so he decides to stir some shit. He goes to chat to Phoebe and tells her that Alex still loves her. Oh Jamie, Alex never said that and you ruddy well know it. Across the room, Fran stirs some additional shit and tells Binky that Alex is changing into a “boi” and if Binky lets him go out with Spenny and Jamie then they will wave hot slutty girls in his face. Phoebe then stirs some bonus shit, and tells Jamie that it’s obvious Lucy indeed does like him more than a friend. Then the rubbish Icelandic band play a song that I actually quite like, which is a nice surprise for everyone involved.

Vitalia and Andy have a chat at the bar and she explains her logic that if you are friends with someone in the 21st Century then naturally you will spend a considerable amount of time having sex with them. Hmmmmm.

Andy then storms over to Spenny and tells him he’s getting a bit upset because he’s finding it tricky getting his hands on someone Spenny hasn’t slept with, because Spenny has slept with everyone in London. Spenny loves it.

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.22.12The next day, Binky and Lucy have coffee, and Binky keeps calling Lucy Pooh Bear. It’s weird.

Victoria is champagne-ing it up with Sophie and Mark Francis, and tells them that Cheska “laid into her” at the tarot reading. Um, not really Victoria, no. Cheska said “pass me the sugar” and you told her to bite you.

Now Jamie is wearing a hat. Everyone just needs to STOP THIS. He is with Binky and Alex, awaiting the arrival of Lucy, so they can all have a nice awkward dinner together and air their problems as a foursome. But Lucy cancels. Jamie is devastated because he wanted to see Lucy and Binky is devastated because she cooked for 4 people. Jamie then leaves and Alex and Binky have a cringe convo where Alex basically tells Binky that he doesn’t love her. I suspect no-one will be tasting your dinner this evening, Binks.

Vitalia meets Spenny, gets him to order a bottle of champagne, doesn’t touch it and then tells him he no longer has the right to make sex with her anymore and that they should be friends WITHOUT the benefits. She then leaves. Spenny, naturally, deletes her number, because what’s the point of having a friend you can’t make sex with. This is the 21st Century after all.

Next week’s predictions: Christmas special bitches. There will be a cat fight on the ice, with Sophie dressed like she’s straight out of a Hans Christian Andersen story; Jane Felstead will invite Alex to Christmas dinner, which will either make or break their relationship. I’d like to think it will make it but I suspect it will break it; Everyone appears to be going fox hunting or something, so presumably they’ll all get arrested and will spend the holidays in Wandsworth Prison.

PS: I’ve just checked on that cranberry sauce and it was mouldy so I’ve thrown it away, and burnt the tupperware, so I hope you’re all happy, because Christmas is ruined!

– A

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 12.18.11


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