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So this week’s episode is AAA (All About Africa) with a small peppering of the sad, sad demise of Sam and Fran’s cringe-worthy dalliance and a sprinkle of Cheska/Victoria hatred. But, yeah, it’s pretty much AAA. It’s A³.

Heathrow airport, the Club Class lounge: Lucy, Jamie, Alex and Binky are supping the sweet nectar of early-morning, pre-air-travel champagne. Jamie is toasting the happy couples. You can tell that Lucy hates it. She is adamant that she and Jamie are not a proper couple, and as the episode progresses you can see in her face that she’s only entertaining the notion of dating him because it’s somethiNew Pictureng to do. Her eyes flash with desire, like a Tudor seamstress in the presence of a country Count, when Spenny arrives. Then Phoebe arrives and Alex says that “this is the worst thing ever”. Always a nice way to be welcomed onto a holiday. Jamie jokingly tells Lucy that he loves her, but it’s not a joke. It is the bitter, bitter truth. When Lucy goes off to get food, he tells the others that he “really likes” her out the side of his mouth.

Wheeze, Sam and Rosie are tea-ing it up. Wheeze comments that there’s a chance of Lucy and Spenny getting together in Africa, but she’s only saying this to make herself feel better about the fact that she shagged him a couple of weeks ago on Jamie’s sofa. Sidebar: we STILL don’t know if this happened or not, it’s been swept under the rug like a cluster of dirty, sexual crumbs. Wheeze’s logic is that it’s easy to sleep with an ex when you’re on holiday together, but she says holiday like this: “holideeeaaaaaa”. She informs the others that she is going to do a fitting for Czechoslovakian Sophie. New Picture (3)Sam (the small, young brother) says that Czechoslovakian Sophie once told him his outfit looked terrible and that he liked being reprimanded by her. This boy needs some sex. He thinks that the way to get some is to provide Fran with a mix-tape called “Fran-tastic”, which he gives her when she joins him for tea. He is naked on the front of it. Fran is mortified and so casually works into the conversation that she finds him repulsingly unsexual. We also learn that she is 5 years his senior. She can only be about 21 so does that make him like 16, yes?

On the African plains, Phoebe is talking to Spenny, who is wearing Timmy Mallet spectacles. The tinted lenses flap up and down, but this makes no sense to me seeing as Spenny doesn’t actually wear glasses normally. Explain yourself Spencer! Phoebe is saying that she didn’t think her comingNew Picture (1) on this trip would be a problem. Why not? Everyone there hates you, love. Explain yourself Phoebe. She says she’s feeling lonely and I feel bad for her, but then again this is what happens when you leave a trail of misery behind you in Chelsea and then gatecrash a holiday that Spencer invited you on when he was high.

Jamie is wading through mud (it isn’t explained why). You think for a moment that he has a splodge of mud on his arm but then you realise that it’s his shit Peter Pan tattoo. Why hasn’t that thing been lazered off yet? Explain yourself Jamie!

New Picture (4)At Sophie’s design studio, she’s talking to Mark Francis about furry balls. He’s loving it. She describes her collection as being for “broad shouldered confident girls”. Work that one out! Wheeze is trying on stuff and the topic turns to whether she’s been fiddled with lately. She invites Victoria and Sophie to a tarot reading (presumably to find out if she will be fiddled with again soon) and tells them that Cheska is going. Sophie asks who Cheska is and Victoria says it doesn’t matter because “she isn’t relevant”. OMG, major handbags at major dawn! Mark Francis puts a Spanish veil over Victoria’s face which makes her look like an evil bride. He then points out that the tarot reading will be ghastly. Oh Mark Francis, you magnificent bastard.

What’s THIS? Lucy and Phoebe are bonding in Africa??? Has Hell frozen over back in chilly Chelsea? While they shoot the breeze, Jamie is fishing and can’t get his rod up. Spenny is wearing an ensemble of Earth tones (you know, because he’s in Africa). Jamie tells Spenny that Lucy is infectious. There’s a cream for that.New Picture (5)

Elsewhere, Alex has arranged for him and Binky to play with some baby lions. Get a room!

Back home, the girls have gone to see an Australian tarot reader who gets Victoria to admit that she’s been feeling emotionally discontent which disproves my opinion that Victoria is devoid of emotion. After the reading, the girls have a post-tarot discussion (as you do). Sophie and Victoria sit there, with their tongues firmly stuffed into the sides of their inner cheeks, drinking tea in unison like the sisters from The Shining. It takes about 4 seconds for Cheska to be shat all over by Victoria when she tells her she doesn’t care what she thinks. Rosie then back-handedly reprimands New Picture (6)Victoria for being a prize be-atch, and Victoria resultantly laughs in everyone’s faces. Sophie keeps her mouth shut. She’s phenomenal.

So Africa evidently makes Phoebe a nice person. Or does it? She is having a heart-to-heart with Alex in a dark clearing. She cries and hugs him, much to Binky’s chagrin. Is this tactical? Is Phoebe secretly bribing the gamekeeper to train the baby lions to scratch Binky’s eyes out, next time she and Alex have a play-date with them?

Oh, Poppy’s back. She must be Stevie’s actual girlfriend now then. It’s a shame she has the demeanor of a brass doorknob. Andy is crNew Picture (8)ashing their date when he spies Vitalia across the bar. She is Russian and appears to be victim to a botch collagen lip job. Stevie tells Andy that apparently Vitalia has an on/off thang going on with Spenny (of course). This is Andy’s green light for approaching her. He kisses her on her cheeks (facial).

Back in Af (“rica”, not “ghanistan”) a load of ladies are singing a bad song which only has one line “Hello my friend”. Sorry, it’s shit. Lucy and Phoebe do some more bonding, and Phoebe calls Lucy a prize. My god, the tables have turned so much they are now practically mahogany sideboards. It comes out that Lucy told Binky she would choose Spenny over Jamie. Jamie storms off. The next day, Spenny tells Lucy that he loves Jamie like a bother (Cain and Abel). Jamie calls Proudlock back home for advice, but he can’t talk because he’s naked with Francis.

New Picture (7)Continuing last week’s theme of Phoebe’s interest in disgusting insects (she revealed she owns a tarantula), she plays with a millipede. I suspect that these are creatures of Satan, and Phoebe uses them to deliver messages back to the Dark Lord from her placement on Earth.

Jamie breaks the news to Spenny that Andy is going on a date with Vita and he announces that he will immediately sleep with her when he gets home as revenge. This immediately ruins any chances he had of getting Lucy back on this African jaunt.

On her date with Andy, Vita explains that she doesn’t eat food, and is only interested in getting hammered. She tries to smile through her massive Russian lips. I suspect that Andy may get to taste some Balto-Slavic saliva later.New Picture (9)

Jamie tells Lucy, as she lies in her African bed wearing a massive jumper (isn’t it really hot there?), that he loves her. She’s all “no you don’t” and I’m all “yeah, no, he doesn’t”. But the mood changes and shit gets real. Lucy is like “thanks, but no thanks” and Jamie is noticeably distraught. He tells her that he can’t be friends with someone who would rather go to bed with a brown jumper than with him and exits her room. They both cry. It’s actually rather emosh, and I nearly shed a tear myself (I don’t).

Next week’s predictions: Vita is basically a slut. She goes out with Spenny and pulls the same stunt that she did with Andy. She is basically going around getting drunk and sexing. Throw in a cat fight with Czechoslovakian Sophie and I think we’ve got an MIC winner!

– A


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