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I echo my apology from last week that my MIC review is a day late being posted. Once again, I was out on Monday night. I went for dinner in Ladbroke Grove. I had a jerked chicken burger, chilli jam and a piña colada. There you go, it’s like you were there with me, fork-feeding me my dinner.

Andy and Stevie are, once again, walking that dog. It is established that it’s Lucy’s and that she never walks it. Basically, this dog is an emblem of the StevieIMAG1602/Lucy relationship. He is desperately in love with her, and the dog is a symbol of the fact that she will never reciprocate those feelings. I don’t know why, it just is. Up walks Spenny, fresh from the aftermath of “did he shag Louise-gate” (this has replaced “jumper-gate”). Spenny says to Andy “I’m open-handedly saying that I’m a moron”, to which Andy replies “I’m going to allow you to say that you’re a moron, because you are a moron”.

They’re both morons.

Francis is painting Wheeze. She is sitting upright, looking demure, like Lady Godiva, mounted atop her horse, on her quest to gain a remission of Coventry’s tyrannical taxation. She keeps laughing and Francis says “can I have a more serious face please?” to which she says “me?” No, Wheeze, he’s talking to the stiffening paint brushes across the room in that dried out jam jar. Wheeze tells Francis that she’s an emotional person and is simultaneously awarded a decoIMAG1592ration for Understatement of 2013. She says that she had a row with Spencer. Francis says “oh?” (translation: “I don’t care”) She then says that she didn’t sleep with Spencer. Francis says “no?” (translation: “I don’t believe you”)

Phoebe is dressed as a cheerleader and has a tarantula. It’s all a bit “Jennifer’s Body”. This combination of factors is a clear sign that Phoebe is Lucifer incarnate.

Andy and Stevie are having drinks with Proudlock and Jamie. Andy’s face, in this scene, looks particularly like a large sponge with two purple grapes resting on it. The revelation in this scene is that Stevie is seeing a GIRL! Oh my! Her name is POPPY!!!! Oh oh oh MY! This disclosureIMAG1593 provokes Proudlock to call Stevie a player. It’s so patronizing I want to barf into Proudlock’s bun and use it to make a steamed vomit pudding. Stevie goes off, as he is collecting Poppy from the train station (she’s at uni *rolls eyes*) and he walks into the door. Once he has exited, the boys then say they’re proud of him and that soon enough they will have to start calling him Steve, not Stevie. Proudlock’s bun of patronization starts spinning.

Spenny and Binky are having breakfast, and Spenny unashamedly attempts to place a nice helping of doubt into Binky’s mind about Alex’s trustworthiness. Elsewhere, Phoebe is throwing herself at Alex. He tells a really shit story about when he originally asked her out on a train. Score.

It turns out Poppy is a real person, as she is seen leaving St Pancras station. Stevie makes sure to kiss her on the mouth 3 times in the space of 48 seconds, so as to overcompensate to the audience that he is not asexual.

IMAG1595Fran and Binky are having lunch (the second meal of the episode for Binky) and Fran is tucking into some sort of congealed savoury pie. They are discussing last week’s mortifying moment when Wheeze’s small brother asked Fran out via means of verse recitation. Fran says “it would be nice to have a boyfriend”. Ease up there Franny. Why don’t you head to the bridal shop after lunch and get yourself a fitting done? Jesus. Fran then takes this opportunity, as she dances on the precipice of a relationship with Sam, to make Binky feel really shit about the Alex/Phoebe situation. That’s what friends are for.

Cut to Fran’s date with Sam. I can’t work out if he’s small or just young. How old is he? I hope to God that he’s only about 16 because it’s the most appalling behaviour I’ve seen anyone display around a prospective sexual partner. The first mistake is that he has omitted to inform his sister, Wheeze, tIMAG1598hat she really needs to get the hell out of the house. Instead, when Fran arrives, Wheeze is there to greet her like she’s the maid. She basically stands there and laughs at the pair of them, as Fran towers over poor, small, 16-year-old Sam.

Spenny and Lucy happen to be having their hair cuts on neighbouring salon stations. What are the chances? It’s all just very smug really. The upshot of this is that you think Spenny is trying to make amends with her, but actually he just wants some sex.

Back on the world’s shittest date, Sam is throwing himself at Fran. He produces a picture of mistletoe and holds it above his head in an attempt to get a bit of tonguing. You can see the repulsion flashing across Fran’s gaze, as she realises that her trip to the bridal fitters that afternoon seems to have been a waste of time, given that Sam is behaving like a pre-adolescent. Wheeze comes in looking for her phone charger, which seems to be wedged between Sam and Fran. She says that she’s jealous of them and that their date looks fun. Fran says she’s welcome to join them. This is disturbing, so let’s move on…

At Mark Francis’ Bach-Day, Phoebe is dressIMAG1601ed like a Norfolk Black Turkey. A waiter smashes a glass and Mark Francis laughs in his face because he is a servant and doesn’t deserve to be bestowed with dignity. Then Mark Francis sort of floats off, and Stevie points him out to Poppy, because she didn’t watch seasons 1-5 and so doesn’t know who he is. Lucy then approaches them and meets Poppy and in that fabulous Lucy way humiliates them both, relishing every moment. “Are you a couple?” she asks bluntly. Stevie says “fuck you” to her, which seems a little harsh to be fair. Poppy clearly wishes she could just curl up and die.

Then there’s this really weird bit where the Bach recital begins but Lucy walks in late, really loudly, and sits on the front row. Spenny looks at her with lust, Jamie looks at her with desire, and Mark Francis looks at her with abhorrence that she has taken the focus off Bach and onto herself. How DIMAG1603ARE she?

After the recital, Spencer hits on Swedish Sophie, who tells him she’d rather shoot herself than date him. I have decided I adore her. Wheeze is wearing a crown and is threatening Fran by basically saying if she hurts her brother she’ll knee-cap her. You can see the realisation flooding across Fran’s face that if she marries with Sam she will have a psychotic sister-in-law and potentially psychotic children.

Jamie asks Spenny if he fancies going to South Africa, with Alex, Binky and…Lucy. We are overdue a holiday this season in which a couple goes away with someone that could potentially rip said couple to shreds, so I am glad to learn this will take place in next week’s episode.IMAG1606

The next day, Andy is in a guitar shop and says he’s “got a semi”. I throw up in my mouth. Stevie then raps about shagging Poppy, who I suspect is already on a train back to uni, crying.

Spenny is motorbike shopping with Phoebe and, not gonna lie, seems like he’s on crack cocaine. He must have had a cheeky glass of wine with his lunch. I can see it coming a mile off – he’s going to invite Phoebe on the South Africa trip. Oh, yes, there it is. He does indeed ask her. It happens like a premature ejaculation.

Predictions for next week: South Africa will happen – Phoebe will destroy Alex and Binky’s relationship, like a park ranger hunting a herd of antelope, and Spenny will destroy Lucy and Jamie’s relationship, like a Cheetah dismembering a group of tourists.

– A

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