Many apologies that this week’s MIC post is running 24 hours late. I was out on Monday night, innit!
Stevie and Andy are in some sort of S&M shop for dogs. Sorry, but whose dog IS this? Is it Lucy’s? Why is Stevie carrying it around in a silly silly pet papoose? Moreover, why does the shop owner allow Stevie to let it run loose around the shop? What if it leaves a little packet behind? Why has Lucy sent Stevie off with her dog? Is he her bitch (see what I did there)? Anyway, the upshot of this scene is that Andy still has feelings for Wheeze, despite practically spitting in her face when she showed up on the camping trip a couple of weeks ago. Stevie then picks up a tiny jumper (meant for bitches) and jokes that it’s Louise’s jumper from last week’s jumper-gate. I think to myself, surely this jumper thing isn’t going to be a continued plot-point in tonight’s episode. I will soon discover how mistaken I am. Sadly, sorely mistaken.
Side note: Stevie’s really funny, I like him and he deserves a proper storyline/on-screen shag. He has risen from the ashes of “pointless boring character” and carved himself a nice little role within the caste system of MIC. Kudos Stevie, kudos.
Fran is moving in with Binky? WTF. 5 minutes ago she wanted Alex’s sex, and now she’s moving into the house where Alex actively sexes up Binky. I don’t understand it. Then it all becomes clear: Alex emerges from the boudoir wearing nothing but a smile (and boxer briefs). Fran has decided to penetrate the enemy from within. One night, she’ll slip too much xanax into Binky’s midnight Horlicks and dress up in one of Binky’s lacy slips, creep into the bedroom, padlock the door and slide into bed beside poor unsuspecting Alex, spooning him from behind so that he won’t know it’s her. Then they’ll make sweet sweet love until the cold harsh light of dawn creeps in through the window and Alex realises what he’s done. Anyway, Fran loves Alex in his pants so much that she pops her cork.
Mark Francis is flirting with the shop boy at Prince Charles’ dry cleaning shop when Phoebe comes in and interrupts any chance MF had of humping this guy amidst the anti-foaming agents and rigid tube filters. He calls her “La Latisse” (French for cock-blocker). She’s come to the dry cleaners to “drop this old thing off” (her dignity) and MF comments that “it’s a few seasons ago, no?” (again, her dignity). Phoebe is wearing a backwards cap, like Andy did at his gig a few weeks ago. She looks just as heinous as he did.
At Spenny’s psychotherapy session with longstanding physiotherapist Rebecca Hall of “Wide Sargasso Sea” and “Parade’s End” fame, Spenny has an epiphany. An epipenny. A Spepiphany. He wasn’t popular in the past and so that’s why he is now a cheating love rat. I presume he simply wasn’t a cheating love rat before season 1 because he used to be overweight and have a beard.
Phoebe pops round to see Wheeze and chucks her dry cleaning down, that she has spent “£3 million on” (the sad thing is that she’s probably not exaggerating, the rich bitch). They discuss jumper-gate. Yes, it’s being talked about again. Wheeze doesn’t like the idea of this girl Andrea (the one with a lazy face) strutting around Chelsea in HER jumper. Given the fact that Wheeze pushed Andrea last week, I can only assume that Andrea is currently burning said jumper in an urn doused in snake blood, wearing the skull of a recently sacrificed sheep.
At Phoebe’s dinner party, she’s serving hollowed out figs and live scorpions in jars (not even kidding). Mark Francis can’t quite get a large slither of salmon into his mouth. They all seem to be actually having a laugh and enjoying themselves which is very rare for an MIC dinner party. I think it’s because Mark Francis and Victoria are there and they don’t dabble in petty drama.
Andy is at the recording studio and Cheska appears to be PRODUCING his music. WTF??? She tells him he’s “rocking it”. He’s not. The lyrics in his song are this: “Mmm Mmm, Ba Ba Ba, Bra Bra Bra Bra, Oh Oh Oh”. Christ alive! Fran comes in with THE JUMPER!!!! There it is, in all it’s polka-dot glory. This item of clothing is so important that it really deserves to be put into a glass cabinet at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Back at the dinner party, they all decide to play that very popular game of “what do you hate the most about each other”. The fun that was being had naturally takes a dark turn therefore, and Jamie and Spenny start to discuss Lucy. Uh-oh! Spenny whips out his phone and starts reading out texts that Lucy has recently sent him. Just like a grown-up would do. Mark Francis and Victoria rollllll theirrrrrr eyezzzzzzzzzz. Then there’s a kind of sinister sequence to a piece of piano music that addresses whether Spenny/Lucy/Wheeze will ever shag again. It’s all a bit murder mystery and you’d expect someone to appear at the end of the scene in a wing-backed chair with a letter opener through their heart. But no, it then goes to a commercial break.
Next day, Spenny tells Stevie (who is dressed like Gok Wan) and Andy that after the dinner party, he slept with Wheeze. Of course. Andy is distraught and vows to never speak to Wheeze again. He then goes to see her, 5 minutes later. She is wearing a tartan dress in order to seem virginal. She says the two words that grate against my very soul TWICE: “What” and “Up?” She denies the sex but Andy tells her that Spenny still has her dress. A) what did she go home in if she left the dress there and B) WHY DOES LOUISE LEAVE HER CLOTHING EVERYWHERE??????
There’s a scene between Proudlock and Jamie which is all about the faux fur throw rug that Spenny and Wheeze evidently “did it” on. Apparently “it smells”. Of sex! Rank. Jamie Febreezes it and they then discuss that well-known literary double act Sherlock Holmes and…Moyes.
At the nightclub, Phoebe is wearing a Miley Cyrus turban. Proudlock is wearing a horrible hat but it can be forgiven seeing as it conceals his nasty little ponytail/bun. Sam – Louise’s small brother – hits on Fran by reciting her a poem, that he has written on a piece of paper. Smooth. Incredibly, Fran accepts his offer for a date, despite the fact that she is 17 times his height. She then goes over to Phoebe to have a go at her for not inviting her to her dinner party. I stop listening at this point because I find myself distracted as I wonder “where is Phoebe’s boyfriend?” The one that everyone made a big ta-dah about a couple of weeks ago when she went on holiday with him. Where are you, boyfriend?
“Did they/didn’t they?” is the question that lingers in the air above this party. Did Wheeze make the beast of two backs with Spenny? Who is lying about the sex , that was allegedly had FIVE TIMES? I believed Spenny until he declared that they did it that many times. Now I believe Wheeze. Poor, poor, insane Wheeze.
Next week’s predictions: in a twist of fate, I think we will find out they did NOT shag; Phoebe will attend a party that requires her to dress up as a crow; Cheska will have changed careers from party planner to music producer to something else. Fruit harvester, perhaps? Fran will instigate Part A in operation “Seduce Alex/Kill Binky”.