As I viewed MIC this evening, I noted that there was a lot that visually pleased me. No, I don’t mean the close ups of Hot Lucy and Hot Alex. I refer to the attractive shots of Chelsea, Sussex, Binky’s mum’s house…Binky’s mum’s face. So I thought I’d be arty farty and use this as today’s running theme. It’s these little treats that are why MIC won the BAFTA, awwww-iight.
And how apt that Mark-Francis and Victoria are perusing an art gallery. Well I never. WELL I BLOODY NEVER!!!! The art they are looking at are paintings of things like dead mannequins so I’m like “meh!” Phoebe enters in red trousers, as if she were little red riding hood, skipping through the forest on the way to her untimely demise at the hands of a wolf. She’s there on the pretence that she’s cultured, but actually she’s just come to slag off her womanly peers. With reference to the likes of Fran, she says “don’t mess with me bitch” to which Victoria calls Fran a “regular ordinary bitch” as opposed to the lesser spotted “bad bitch”. Oh just go and pretend to appreciate the art you bunch of farts.
Spenny’s back in psychotherapy. I must say, I’m impressed that this storyline has carried on throughout the season this far. I had assumed it was a gimmick for episode 1 and that would be the end of that. But it would seem one cannot be cured in one televised session with one’s psychiatric doctor, so Spenny has continued to see his therapist, Rebecca Hall of Frost/Nixon and The Camomile Lawn fame. Hang on a tiny little moment. Is she eye-sexing him? Are these two going to SHAG???? The upshot is that Spenny spent last night in bed alone (he left Mr. Fluffy-face, his childhood stuffed magpie, on the rocking chair in his nanny’s quarters last night). He notes to Rebecca Hall that he doesn’t like the label of “cheater”. THENSTOPCHEATINGYOUASS.
Alex is fingering Jasper Conrad’s pink teapot. He tells Jamie that he’s off to meet JANE!!!! JANE FELSTEAD. MOTHER BINKY (she follows me on Twitter and I worship her). It’s about time she showed her fabulous face this season. Jamie tells Alex he should talk to Jane about his and her daughter Binky’s sex-capades and then he tells Alex about his plan to treat Lucy like shit so that she’ll fall in love with him. Case in point: don’t ever take this boy’s advice.
Stevie and Andy are having drinks with Horse Face 1 (Freddie) and Horse Face 2 (Mifffffyyyyyyy). They have been allowed into a scene, but disallowed to speak. Too fudging right! Keep those horse gums concealed. Spenny calls Andy and invites him to clay shooting. One of the Horse Twins smirks and the other one snorts. That’s all they’re good for, frankly.
At the shooting, Spenny tells Andy that he thought it would be nice to shoot some clays and have some drinks. And that he wanted to just do some shooting of clays and some drinking of drinks. And that he felt it was time that he and Andy bonded over a spot of clay shooting and drink having. Every time they shoot a gun it nearly knocks their teeth out. Nearly…just nearly. They connect with each other about Wheeze. Spenny tells Andy that she did in fact sleep with “that guy” (Niall from One Direction, who cannot be named a la Lord Voldemort). It’s all so so sad, and Spenny and Andy look at each other with clay-shooting-home-erotic-desire.
Jane Felstead is pruning her unruly clematis as Binky drags Alex up the lane to their 16th Century Sussex pile. Off they pop, inside, where the fire is cracking, the wine is pouring and a glimpse of Old Father Winter can be whiffed in the distance. It’s so charming and comforting and beautiful. Then Jane suggests that Alex has an enormous schlong. Thaaaaaaat’s our Janey.
At Rosie’s Virgin V party, Phoebe walks in and Lucy yawns. Phoebe is wearing a sort of shiny, Burberry shell suit dress. She’s there to support Rosie but the minute she sits down she starts being a “bad bitch” to Fran (the “regular ordinary bitch”). Off she trots, nearly falling over the sofa arm as she leaves.
Andy is wearing the Willow Pattern plate jumper that he once wore last season. Aren’t you rich, Andy? Don’t you burn your clothing having worn it once? Phoebe would normally do that to the shell suit dress later but it’s flame retardant so it won’t work. He confronts Wheeze about sleeping with Niall and she says “yeah, I did, innit”. He shoots her a look of purified disgust. It’s like disgust boiled in vodka. She then preaches the age-old adage: “it’s much cooler to ignore stuff and move on”. Cooler??? WTF? Andy then comes back with “you’re so annoying” and she snaps back with “good, yeah I am annoying”. Andy then retorts with “I wish I could delete you”. This is Class A back-chat! Andy claps his hands in Wheeze’s face and she walks off muttering to herself like a prostitute on Christmas morning.
At the double date that Jamie has orchestrated, Lucy declares that she’s kissed everyone at the table. Binky too? That’s something we’ve not seen on MIC yet, a good old fashioned lesbian love story. Like that of Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche. Jamie tells Lucy that he and her never had chemistry, which he is only saying in an attempt to attract her, but what he’s actually doing is stating the cold hard truth. Lucy wangs on about her and Alex’s brief dance with Lady Romance, and this fucks off Binky. It’s totes awks.
Overlooking the Thames, Spenny calls Wheeze “peanut”. Vom.
JAZZ NIGHT, JAZZ NIGHT, JAZZ NIGHT! It would seem Cheska, who arranged this, is now some sort of shit gig organiser.
Ok, so there’s this really confusing thing that happens next. It may be that I zoned out, but I re-wound this bit because I didn’t understand it and after re-watching it 7 times I still don’t get it. Some bird with a wide mouth and a lazy stare walks in and it transpires that Andy hooked up with her, may or may not have placed his P in her V, gave her some of Wheeze’s clothing and then locked her into his house. Yeah, I know, right? There was this thing once on The Hills where some girl broke into Brody Jenner’s house, climbed under his bed-clothes and said to him “my ring, my ring, my ring”. This is a bit like that. Anyway, this girl that Andy locked up in his love dungeon has the personality of a broken down fairground carousel. Wheeze sniffs the air like a rabid blood hound and storms over to her and Andy, just as Andy is saying to her “I’m sorry about locking you in my house and taking you for a kebab”. To add insult to injury, Wheeze then man-handles this poor girl and sends her packing. Presumably to retrieve her jumper. Wheeze then calls Andy “Andrew” and I’m like “that’s MY name!!!!”
Next week’s predictions: Jamie will wear a saucer on his head; Phoebe will finally kill Fran and dump the body into a ravine; the Binky/Lucy drama will continue; Cheska will turn her attentions to organising bat-mitzvahs; Wheeze will stumble across her jumper in a Harvey Nics bargain bin.