Tonight I watched MIC in the comfort of The Holiday Inn Express, Swindon. This is because tomorrow I have to supervise the revealing of a home renovation to a couple who have been shafted by a Cowboy Builder. This is why the pictures in this week’s post are slightly sterile, as if I’m in a bad slasher flick about a couple who break down in the middle of Alabama and have to reside for the night in the closest cheap Motel, which happens to be run by a family of satanic perverts.
Jamie and Binky are bonding over congealed chunks of stollen. ‘Tis the season. So basically, last week Jamie was all “yeah Phoebe is more fun and she came into the woods under the cover of darkness to throw herself at me, so she’s clearly more of a laugh so I fancy her more than Lucy”. But then we all found out that the little trollop has gone on holiday with a male. By the end of the episode, this had morphed into “Phoebe’s gone on holiday with her SECRET HUSBAND” so now Jamie has twisted his fickle-o-meter back toward’s Lucy. Binky is asking him if he LOVES Lucy and he ponders this for a minute. Course he does. If we love someone, we always invite other girls into our love forest. The non-sarcastic answer to this is that, as we established last season, Jamie is incapable of loving another human being. He, however, wants to know if Binks loves Alex. She goes all coy and you can tell she’s hoping he’ll choke on his lattice tart.
Spenny tells his therapist Rebecca Hall that he and Steph have broken up. Whaaaaaaat???!! Well that’s disappointing. I was hoping they’d have hybrid offspring together and create reality TV super-children. Spenny complains that the word “love” is tossed around too much. Easily done when you’re a tosser.
Rosie and Wheeze are punching each other by the river. Lucy runs by looking fabulous in a tiny crop top with her dog Kevin. It’s basically established here that Phoebe is still on holiday with her BF and is therefore a slut.
Andy is now wearing Harry Potter glasses. They are too miniscule for his oblong face. He is questioning Stevie about Tiff. Remember her? No, me neither. Andy berates Stevie for not forcing himself upon Tiff at his gig *throws up in mouth a little bit at the recollection of said gig* Andy says that he did a slow song, after all, which would have been the time to tongue Tiff. *swallows own vomit at the thought of Stevie kissing someone and the thought of Tiff being given a proper storyline*
Wheeze goes to a bar to meet Spenny and she says “What Up”. STOP IT WHEEZE, YOU ARE NOT MC HAMMER! Spenny bitches to her about Steph’s whining ways. Apparently Steph has been saying “I miss my Mom, I miss my dogs”. How DARE she! Spenny tells Wheeze that he hooked up with someone else while he was with Steph. Obvs. Wheeze tells Spenny he’s a dick and becomes noticeably ruffled. She doesn’t cry though, which is a step forward for her. Spenny says something about the 5 years that he and Wheeze were together. 5 years?? WTF? I thought they got together in Season 2 which was like 2 years ago. Get it right.
The reason that Mark Francis was putting his silverware into storage last week is revealed: he is in the market for a new house. Fabulous. But he ruins this fabulousness by going to a very normal looking estate agents and meeting with a very ordinary looking house seller woman. She thinks that Mark F and Victoria are together. That question is soon answered when Mark F announces that he “would like Versailles”. And Victoria un-hinges her jawbone to swallow a baby budgerigar.
At the “boys supper” *self induced purging* Proudlock still has a FUCKING bun. The boys all start chatting a load of Etonian Latin bollocks. Spenny says “cheers to the single life” as if being single makes any difference to his inability to contain his penis. Jamie ain’t there. Oh wait, here he comes. He wanted to make a dramatic entrance. Stevie texts Tiff saying “great seeing you at the gig, when are we going to make our own music?” I shed a silent tear at this. Spenny gets hammered and starts to slur. He declares that he had huge feelings for Lucy. HUGE! He and Jamie agree not to play “hide the banana leaf” with each other’s exes. Andy sips from a tiny glass. Spenny says that Louise still loves him. He is so drunk that his ordinarily slanting smile is sloping at a 30 degree gradient down his face.
Lucy and Wheeze are being nice to each other and are having drinks together! Who’d of thunk it? They decide that they will tell Steph about Spenny’s cheating because she deserves to know and aren’t at all concerned with sending her packing back to LA feeling like a complete moron. They make a pact about never getting back with Spenny ever again. This is also known as The Sisterhood of Spenny’s Travelling Pants.
Stevie likes Tiff’s laugh, even though whenever she does laugh its like she’s regurgitating a chaffinch.
Francis and Proudlock are playing slap the butcher. Phoebe’s back from her holiday with her husband of 7 years and comes to see them. Jamie comes in. It’s all totes awks. Phoebe then basically admits that this mystery person she went whoring about on holiday with IS her BF. Who is he? Is it Miffy? Why did you therefore shag Jamie in the woods? And why did you give Fran such a hard time about wanting Alex to sex her up? As Jamie berates Phoebe (quite rightly) Phoebe’s face becomes more and more distraught as she realises that the nation sort of liked her last week but now are back to detesting her again.
Tiff needs a massive slap. She needs a nose job. She looks like she’s been sleeping with a fish-hook in her inner-cheek. Just an observation.
Wheeze and Lucy go out for drinks with Steph because they are such good mates with her, and decide to tell her about the cheating that Spenny did with his little peek-a-boo. For some reason, Steph is dressed like a politicians wife. Spenny comes in to sit with her, which prompts Wheeze and Lucy to leave. Steph asks him “why couldn’t you wait to hook up with someone ’til after I left?” Quite, Stephanie, quite. “What difference does it make…I knew you would be leaving eventually,” replies Spenny, completely seriously! He’s missed a trick here. Steph could have been his ticket to American stardom but instead he has chosen to shag some girl he’s met standing on a box in Chinawhites. Steph calls him a massive lying asshole and walks off back to her sister-in-law Heidi Montag. Spenny then says “free” out loud. Free what, Spenny? Range egg?
At the Barbican Centre there’s some sort of apple theme going on. Of course there is. Stevie talks about the out of control flirtatious sex banter that happened with him and Tiff the other day. I suspect Stevie has never touched a girl, you know. Phoebe flirts with Alex in front of Binky and then calls Fran a sly bitch, whilst Wheeze looks on as she takes a painful bite out of a sour apple pick-n-mix.
Mark Francis is shopping with the bitch from Holland, Sophie. They do love a good fluid wrought iron staircase. Don’t we all, loves. Victoria quite rightly points out that we don’t need sub-standard living. It’s true. MF expresses his need for a live-in seamstress. as there’s always a hem to be sewn. I mean, I was JUST thinking that myself before he said it, seriously.
Back at the party, Wheeze’s brother is talking to Spenny. He needs to get his teeth done when Tiff goes to get her nose done. Miffy and Freddie are there, looking like a pair of evil inbreds. Tiff is wearing a leather dress. Stevie tries to ask her to be his GF and she shoots him down. It’s mortifying and I love it. She totally led him on though, the whore. There’s a shot of Miffy and Freddie laughing at Stevie’s expense, their horse gums out for all to see. I think they find it funny because they think this means they will get a storyline but no, no, no. Not on your Nelly!
Lucy calls Phoebe a slag and Phoebe looks a little timid. It’s a new colour on her. Off she trots and Jamie says to Lucy “you can’t just walk up and do that to people” and Lucy’s all “yeah I can coz I just did, innit!” I added the “innit” but it was implied.
There’s a few shots of coy carp (what the frig IS the Barbican Centre anyway??) and we then see that Andy is wearing a horrid jumper round his shoulders like a tosser. He implies that he still holds a torch for Wheeze but he’s only saying this because he was hoping his music career would be a new plot point but it’s not going to be because he sings as pleasantly as a gondola full of mourning cats.
Next week’s predictions: Steph will re-appear in Chelsea with Heidi Montag and will re-enact a rendition of Heidi’s performance at the Miss Universe pageant of 2009 by singing her platinum selling hit “Body Language”.