This weekend I found myself drawn to my DVD shelf, where I uncontrollably inserted my fingers into the rack and extracted The Hills Season 6. This was primarily because my friend didn’t really understand who Stephanie Pratt was and so I forced her to watch an episode. After she left my flat, I ended up watching the whole boxset and woke up at 4AM, face down on my living room floor, with the opening credits on repeat on the TV above me. To honour this, I’ll be peppering this week’s blog with images from momentous moments of The Hills (of which there were oh so many).
Steph and Spenny are skinny dipping like a couple of 16 year olds on their first summer holiday in Tenerife. When they extract themselves from the newly contaminated water, Spenny dons his towelette shirt and Steph basically tells him that she doesn’t trust him. But she says it whilst smiling, so it can hardly be classed as a serious cause for concern.
Shit. Sophie, the Swiss bitch, is back. She and Victoria are directing some photoshoot. Yeah, alright Sophie, we get it, you have a fashion range and fly around in a chopper. So do I, so get over yourself. Victoria is wearing jeans with spikes coming out the sides of them around her modesty, which she has sewn on as an extra precaution in guarding her sought after chastity. It transpires that it’s her birthday and she’s going to have a Bollywood party. Sophie suggests that she use Spenny as a means of travelling into the party, pointing out that “you’re the birthday girl, you should ride totally on him inside the venue”. That’s a well constructed sentence if ever I’ve heard one.
Binks is telling Wheeze that she failed her driving theory exam. SO DID I, BINKS! I failed it twice and only passed the third time because the man in the test centre told me some of the answers. I won’t tell you why he told me them. Wheeze’s ugly brother sends the bat-signal into the sky and notifies the girls that Jamie has apparently made sweet sweet love to Lucy. OMG. Perhaps that’s why her hair is a little bit blonde-tinged these days.
Jamie is actually on his sexless date with Phoebe at the same time that his name is fuelling the gossip mill. Phoebe is explaining that she hasn’t been on a date for years and I don’t doubt her for a second because she’s a stroppy little madam who needs her legs smacked. She is explaining how her ideal man would be ambitious, funny and charismatic. Jamie is none of these things seeing as he is happy to inherit the digestive fortune, believes that overusing the word “boi” is funny and has all the charisma of a jellyfish in a bottle. Nonetheless, they have a sexless kiss. But then – PING! No, that’s not the sound of Jamie getting excited. Off goes Phoebe’s phone and it’s Wheeze, salivating at the corners of her mouth, desperate to tell Phoebe about Jamie and Lucy’s shag. Phoebe’s expression remains serene, and when she hangs up the phone she just laughs in Jamie’s rectangular face. He is terrified and uses the phrase “yes, I slept with her once, 100%, categorically” as a means of explanation but all Phoebe does is stare at him with her cold, evil eyes and a slight smirk of condescension on her face. She’s all “you fucked my arch enemy”. Okay, loving Phoebe all of a sudden!
Francis is still skateboarding – at his age! Proudlock still has a ponytail – he can fuck off!
Jamie meets Spenny to tell him about the Lucy sitch. Spenny is wearing a nautical themed outfit. He takes the news surprisingly well. But then again, if he were to take issue with it, then frankly he’d be calling old Mrs. Kettle black.
They’re all on a night out in the Sugarhut or somewhere like that. Lucy is pissed off with Stevie and Wheeze’s ugly brother because they announced her and Jamie’s humping to the rest of Chelsea, like a couple of town criers on Shrove Tuesday. I’ve decided that the ugly brother only did it because he realised he could never get Lucy himself, so he’s decided, instead, to spread the word of her slutdom.
Alex is telling Fran that he finds it hard to watch her and Phoebe fight over him. He’s lying, he loves it.
Oh sweet holy Mary mother of south Bethlehem, Belle and Tiff are back. Remember them? No, didn’t think so. Tiff, clearly, is a potential love interest for Stevie. She looks like someone’s whacked her in the nose with a giant coal shovel and left her for dead in a ditch. Belle is about as purposeful as the drawer in my bedside table that won’t shut properly.
Jamie comes in dressed as a nectarine and has a bit of a row with Lucy, during which there’s a long pause where they stare at each other and the background winter chill out music is turned up louder. It’s so drama drama.
Next day, during a game of homoerotic rugby, Alex tells Jamie that he has developed feelings for Binky and has gone off Fran. Alex is just a fickle little girl, as far as I’m concerned. He explains that he’s invited both girls over to his new flat but he doesn’t want Fran there because he’d quite like to touch Binky with his fondu prod. Jamie suggests he tell Fran a little fib so that she won’t come. I’d do the same, so there’s no point me reprimanding this advice.
Steph and Louise are all chummy chummy. WTF. I think this is Louise’s way of incorporating herself into Steph and Spenny’s relationship so that she can feel she is somehow part of it and will one day be asked into the marriage bed. Steph can’t get her head around the speed of the London Eye. Phoebe walks in and she’s acted out by dying her hair pink. Calm down, Phoebe, you crazy gal.
Binks is at the salon. Lucy walks in and Binks dismisses her hairdresser as if he were a gypsy at a rec centre. Uh ohhhhh – Lucy says she gets butterflies about Jamie. I suspect that they’re not so much butterflies as they’re dingy, lethargic, sexless moths.
At Cheska’s apartment, there’s something missing. Ollie. There’s a union jack cushion there though, so he’s there in spirit. I wonder if he was in the kitchen, making an ovaltine. Cheska asks Fran what she’ll do if Alex tells her, at his housewarming drinks, that he wants her body. She says “I don’t know”. Oh, I think you DO, Fran, you little slapper. Sadly, that cheeky grin of hers immediately fades, when Alex texts her and pies her off. Cheska says that she bets he’s texted Binky the same thing. You shouldn’t BET Cheska, you should KNOW. Why aren’t you hanging around with Binky yet this season? This is Ollie’s fault for leaving the show to write softcore gay erotica.
Alex has done a Mrs. Doubtfire and ordered takeout for dinner, and is parading it around as his own cooking. He lies to Binky about where Fran is but then tells her the truth. She doesn’t get cross because he keeps his eyes on her as he knocks back a glass of wine, which is sexual. I then reach over to his place setting and pick up the boning knife that sits next to his plate and use it to slice the sexual chemistry between them. This results in them tonguing. I note here that Alex has a slanting mouth. Binky says that this whole thing is “quite a nice situation”. What is? You get to snog hot Alex while poor Fran sits at home, in her Sunday best, with a thin shawl around her bony shoulders as she waits for the sweet relief of death.
Britain’s Got Bangra! At the Bollywood party (it seems to have been forgotten that it’s actually Victoria’s birthday as I don’t see a gift table ANYWHERE) Mark Francis is livid that Spenny is wearing a better coat than him and Victoria is calling Cheska an old spinster behind her back. Fran is admitting that she is so obsessed with Alex that she wants to drink his left over bath water, and Phoebe seems to have inadvertently connected her nose to the gold necklace of a bypassing chav.
Cheska gives Fran some really good advice: “oh my god, tell Alex you really like him, then lunge.” My god Cheska, this isn’t the regional semi-finals of the men’s open foil fencing association. Nonetheless, Fran goes for a chat with Binky. Binky can’t actually, physically bring herself to look at Fran. She keeps shielding her eyes as if Fran’s face is an eclipse that you can’t look directly at, lest you’ll go blind.
Urgh, Stevie asks Tiff if she has a boyfriend. No, she doesn’t, coz she’s f-ugly. She agrees to go out on a date with Stevie. Jamie then says “nice to meet you” to her, and I’m all like “wasn’t she at your country house party the other day playing life-sized snakes and ladders?”
So Spenny didn’t come home last night, it would seem, according to Steph, who has evidently thrown on the sari she just happened to have in the back of her closet. So things are tense there. But to crank the tension up a nice notch, Lucy comes for a chat with Steph, Wheeze and Phoebe. Steph’s all “OMG, I just forgot you all hate each other”. True dat, sister. Lucy and Phoebe say they don’t hate each other but then insult each other’s nose ring and dress before calling each other sluts. As they argue, Steph floats over to Spenny and asks him where the fudge he was last night. He uses the following excuse for not notifying her that he shan’t be coming home the evening before: “I don’t do the communication thing, people get in touch with ME!” So THAT explains why he never texted me back last summer. I know what he didn’t do last summer. He “didn’t do” the “communication thing”. It all adds up now. I totally understand now and, frankly, Steph needs to stop being so selfish about this. Communication is beneath Spenny, even when your girlfriend is crying herself to sleep in her cold, lonely bed. Steph then says something about being away from her family and friends. That’s Heidi and Audrina (eat your heart out).
Alex is also being a bit of a tool across the room. When attempting to pie Fran off for good, he actually uses the sentence “I think I’ve become a classic guy”. Oh no he di-nt!
Jamie and Lucy clarify that neither of them want a relationship, they just want a warm body to cling on to as the winter nights draw in. They kiss. It’s sexless. Lucy even says “meh” at the end of it. Our thoughts exactly, Lucy.
Next week’s predictions: Phoebe will roll her eyes; Lucy will realise that the butterflies she thinks she feels for Jamie is actually a tough old piece of pork that she’s not digested properly from last Sunday; Fran will go on a sexual rampage in order to rebel against Alex and Binky; the producers will send them all glamping but they won’t be allowed to use that term because it’s copyrighted by TOWIE.