Last night was a big night for MIC (and the world) because Stephanie Pratt, reality royalty – royality if you will – descended from her golden cloud (the one nestled comfortably next to Nikki Graham and, of course, Caggie Dunlop). Her Hollywood saucer, which looks a lot like Phoebe’s hat when she attends the polo, landed into Terminal 3, and out stepped Steph-Steph looking like Victoria Beckham after one of her transatlantic outfit changes. “It’s so good to be back in Larrnden” she says, as she throws herself into the arms of new BF Spenny.
Now, I do love a good bit of Stephanie Pratt. A) because she is from The Hills, and if it weren’t for The Hills reality TV would have died along with with Big Brother Venezuela; B) she is related, by marriage, to HEIDI MONTAG!!! And C) I get to tell my story about when me and my friend Hannah went clubbing with Spenny & Steph this summer. This is how I roll now, although Spenny still doesn’t return my Whatsapps. However, Steph and I had a good moment in the corner, while Hannah tried to seduce Spenny, where I made certain to tell her that her sister-in-law’s pop music career is grossly underestimated and that I honestly think she should get a Grammy for her album “Superficial”. Her song “My Parade” is up there with Chanelle Hayes’ “I Want It”. Listen to it NOW (link below).
Anyway, back to MIC. Binky is walking her dog Scrumble (a cross between “scrotum” and “humble”) when she bumps into the happy couple and pretends that she doesn’t know that Steph is from LA. Spencer mentions Steph’s brother – THAT’S HEIDI MONTAG’S HUSBAND – and Steph explains that she has an open-ticket. AKA she’s sticking around for however the hell long she wants. You can see past Spenny’s eyes that he is screaming on the inside. Binky asks Steph, like, 20 questions about their relationship and Steph says “oh wow, its like 20 questions” and Binky is pretty rude back to her. Yes, I said it, Binky, who I would do just about anything for, was out of line. Spenny then grabs Binks’ face and kisses it, in order to get rid of her. Steph then calls him “honey”! So American, I fucking love it!!!!
Wheeze and Phoebe have apparently become friends and are shopping. Wheeze declares that she is going to win Andy – and his giant glasses – back. Phoebe then states that Alex is just like Spencer in that they are both compulsive liars. Really, Phoebes, REALLY? Alex is a delight and Spencer is a ragbag, and you are only saying this because you’re bitter that Alex is trying to poke Fran’s Franny. Apparently she’s going to “loose her shit” if those two get it on.
Chelsclusive: My friend Anna Bananna’s mate (sorry, I’ve forgotten your name but I’m sure you’re beautiful) has reported that Alex and BINKY are totes an item because she saw them making lip sex in a bar or something, so there’s a bombshell for us all. Or not. I haven’t read the Daily Mail for a while, so this might be old news for all I know.
LOVING Steph’s candour. She is like Lady Candour. Candour.com. Candour dipped in syrup and rolled in hugs. She’s telling Spenny how it is, and that he was an ass-hat for cheating on Lucy 8 times. You go girl. Then she jumps on him and surely attempts to make sex with him.
Alex and Fran go for lunch and Fran tells him that Phoebe was nice about the prospect of them getting together. NO-SHE-WASN’T. Noshewasnt. Phoebe is sporting a Burberry ensemble and stumbles ‘pon the pair and calls Fran “fucking desperate” and “ruddy selfish” (I added the “ruddy”) GET OVER IT! He doesn’t love you anymore because you are a brat.
Spenny’s back in Psychotherapy with Rebecca Hall of “Lay The Favourite” and “A Bag Of Hammers” fame. He is likening Louise to Puss in Boots and explaining that he wants to play with her face. Knock yourself out with THAT little insight Rebecca Hall. You know she’s clever because there’s a shot of the complete works of Emily Bronte on her bookshelf.
Louise goes to dinner with Andy and is dressed like she’s in a travelling production of Grease (© Hannah Crosby 2013). She is being incredibly huffy for someone trying to get her BF back. She’s all “no-one’s perfect” and “it’s not my problem” to Andy, and when he says she needs to change she’s all “so do you”. You need to check that attitude at the door, sweet cheeks, along with that Pink Ladies bowling jacket. Andy then tries to drink from his cocktail but the straw nearly goes up his gigantic hole of a nostril, and Wheeze starts to cry. Obvs. Enter Spenny and Steph who basically are smug as shit.
Victoria comes to see Mark Francis by chopper, and she’s brought some total bitch with her called Sophie, who calls Mark Francis “Shatzy”. She needs to re-board that helicopter and fuck off back to Switzerland.
Wheeze is in Dior looking for fabric to re-cover her Pink Ladies rain mac, when Spenny texts her saying “Yo Porg”. Answers on a post card to tell me what THAT is all about, please. He tells her that Steph wants to meet her properly, because last time Andy was shouting across them all at Spenny’s smug face. Wheeze is totes up for this and goes SHOPPING WITH THEM???!!! Steph needs something for polo, but she pronounces it “pollo” as if its a chicken dish on the menu at Bella Italia.
Hang on. Are Sophie and Mark Francis engaging in camp bants or are they FLIRTING???? Is he finally getting a love interest? Is Sophie a Danish he/she?
Lucy puts on some dungarees and goes to see Andy in a bar, who is nursing a stiff one. She tells him that Spenny and Wheeze have been texting. OMG, some one alert the coven of nuns that live in the church cellar! It’s a really shit storyline, especially given that Spenny uses text language such as “Yo Porg”.
WINDSOR WINDSOR WINDSOR! They’re at the “pollo” (chicken with a red wine reduction) in WINDSOR. It’s, like, where I live. Binky is talking about being ravished in the hay and Francis is telling Sophie that he has a long penis (in German). I suspect she’s thinking “so do I” (also in German). Alex is wearing the most hideous jacket on Earth. It just needs to be burned at the nearest village crossroads. Wheeze’s non-attractive brother is there being non-attractive. Miffy is nowhere to be seen and I thank Jesus for it.
Phoebe uses her giant hat to give Cheska the preverbial finger and tells Fran that she and Alex will never be together in “her world”. I suspect Fran doesn’t give two shits seeing as Phoebe’s world is pretty much only about nose rings and Tatler.
Steph makes a bold move and goes to chat to Lucy, who has been scowling at her from across the divots. Lucy informs her that Spenny would go out for dinner and cheat on her. What, like, with his ass in the butter dish? Spenny then comes to join in the bants and it goes like this (its TV gold btw):
Spenny: “Why do you have an enormous ego?”
Lucy: “Ego? I just hate you and despise you!”
Spenny: “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion!”
Lucy: “Okay. Bye.”
She then tells him that she does not get over being cheated on and that she holds grudges and if people betray her she doesn’t forget it. YES LUCY. I agree with this. If someone fucks you over, punish them continually FOREVER.
Phoebe is sulking about Alex, so decides to practically dry-hump Jamie. He mentions Tara and I’m like “who?” and then I’m all “ohhhhhh, Claudia Winkleman. I wonder how she is and if she passed her GCSEs”. They agree to go on a date and then hug. Its sexless and limp, like a piece of damp asparagus.
Andy and Louise have a chat next to a haggered grey mare (no not Proudlock’s mother) and Andy tells her, once more, to “shuddup!” Then he basically learns the lesson that all MIC relationships have suffered from but that no MIC cast member has ever realised. He says: “This relationship is unhealthy, so we should break up”. Ta dah!
Next week’s predictions: The transition from Fran to Binky will start to take place with Alex, but there will be a bit of menage action on the way; Phoebe will get caught in a nuclear explosion and her hair will go pink; someone will call someone a slut, someone else will call someone a whore and someone will call someone else a slutty whore.