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In the words of Bananarama, it’s been A Cruel Summer. Yes, the English weather was glorious but who wants to be outside, skipping around in the golden fields when you can be cooped up indoors in front of a plasma, scrutinizing the happenings of rich Londoners? Who, I ask you? Who!?

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.40So Made In Chelsea returned to our screens last night for its sixth season. Now, there were gigantic holes in it, which we may as well address right now. The holes were Ollie Locke shaped and Millie Mackintosh shaped. There’s no point in us pretending that we didn’t notice the void, so let’s all stop pretending right now that we did. I said stop it, okay. Just stop it!

The episode opens with Spenny in a psychotherapy session. The operative word here is “psycho”. He is saying directly down the lens of the camera (as one does in therapy) that he has an “unhealthy relationship with sex” only he says “sex” like this: “sax”. He has an unhealthy relationship with sax. Don’t tell Kenny G! Spenny’s therapist appears to be Rebecca Hall of “Starter For 10” and “Vicky/Christina/Barcelona” fame. What is deduced from this session is that Spenny doesn’t like breaking up with people so instead he shatters their self-esteem into a billion shards by cheating on them repeatedly until they hate themselves for ever letting him touch them in an inappropriate manner.

There’s a pool party going on in West Sussex and Lucy is swimming with all the grace of the Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.34Goddess of Water, Melusine. Louise is bitching about Lucy, from across the pool, and she appears to be wearing a piece of orange tarpaulin.

Enter new dickheads Freddie and (get this) Miffy! These are both males. Freddie needs to just stop right there! There is only one “Fred” on the Chelsea block and that is Frederick who will NEVER be replaced by this moron. As for Miffy – I’ve done some research and apparently his real name is Dave Mifsud. I can forgive him for wanting to change it but why would you change it to a name that is also the name of the titular character of a series of Dutch picture books by Dick Bruna about a female rabbit. Both of these two look like horses.

Spenny arrives at the pool party and points out that he’s single so the plethora of bikini-clad honeys around the pool are ripe for the plucking. I shout to the TV “when has it ever mattered that you’re single, Spenny?”

Francis sprays Jamie with some fizzy foamy liquid and Jamie excitedly takes it in the face. It’s champagne. Sad face.

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.46Phoebe has cornrows. She is blissfully unaware that Fran and Hot Alex (both of whom have been allowed to remain in the cast by the skins of their wide teeth) have been flirting. These two have the giddy chemistry of a newly-shagging couple. But they are concerned about what Phoebe will say when she finds out. You know, because she’s an unreasonable bitch. They ponder this as they watch her frolic around a giant Connect 4.

Freddie takes a stab at getting a storyline and hits on Lucy by grabbing her hands several times and giggling like a twelve-year-old girl at an under 13s disco. I enjoy it immensely because he just makes so much of a twat of himself I want to cry with joy. Lucy shoots him down which makes things even better. Freddie gets her to agree to drinks as friends and then his upper-mouth extends, allowing his horse-teeth to protrude for all the pool party to see.

Binky and Mark Francis are in a boat. It’s a bit like the scene in Bridget Jones when Hugh and Renee are in a boat and fall in. Only these two don’t fall in because they’re too fabulous. And Mark Francis assures Binky that if she capsizes the boat, he’ll “capsize her world”. Hmmmmmm. Perhaps he’s not bad in bed after all.

Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.51We are introduced, from afar, to another two newbies. Belle and Tiffany. So basically they’re characters from a Disney movie. They’re not allowed to speak in this episode because it’s too much for the fan base to cope with right now.

Andy informs us that Louise goes out in the evenings and turns off her phone mysteriously. I think there’s only one explanation for this – she is now a lady of the night. Louise meanwhile goes over to Rosie and Lucy but blanks Lucy. When Lucy calls her up on this, Louise comments on the fact that she has a smirk on her face. The purpose of this is for Louise to perform her first run-off-about-to-cry of the season.

As night falls, there is a shot of what looks like a body lying face-down, dead, in the swimming pool. With any luck its Dave (Miffy).

Lucy has a chat with Andy under the cloak of darkness and says that she thinks Louise has deep-rooted issues about Spencer. That’s quite possibly the understatement of the millennium, no? Lucy then confirms my suspicions about Louise’s new career as a night-time madame. Apparently she’s been getting her tits out for the lads. Lucy then cries, because it’s really quite draining being vicious. Andy then approaches Louise and she uses the phrase “What Up?” Andy asks her about her whoring and tells her that this is the final screw. This is a mixed metaphor, somewhere between the final straw and the last nail in the coffin. “Screw” makes me think of these two having the sex, which isn’t nice. Louise tries to start crying but when Andy doesn’t react she stops. He then tells her to shut up. That’ll teach you to turn off your phone and go a-lap-dancin’ Wheeeeeeeeeze.Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.20

What’s this!!?? Francis and Rosie are having a flirt. Perhaps a slight exaggeration on my part given that Francis is naked in the pool and Rosie clearly finds it repulsive as she picks up his trunks with the tips of her fingers and tosses them with revulsion back to him in the water. He chooses this moment to ask her out. Oh Francis.

Back in London, it transpires that Louise has a brother. I originally wrote on my notebook that she has a hot brother but then crossed out the word “hot” when I saw him up close. Andy goes round to pick up a load of his stuff and he is wearing giant glasses, much like Urkel from “Family Matters”.

Steve-Urkel-333-family-matters-6878748-267-399Proudlock’s got a pop-up shop *rolllllllllllllls eyessssssssssssss* This is pretty much what you’d expect – shit T-Shirts and leopard skin glasses galore. Proudlock is wearing his hair in a heinous little ponytail. It’s like a tuft of grass on a mound of sod. The subject of Alex and Fran pops up (not unlike Proudlock’s shop) and Francis texts Phoebe about it. I sort of zoned out and didn’t really understand why he would do that but whatever. Phoebe comes marching in, on her way to her job at Tatler or whatever she pretends she does, and is fuming about this new coupling.

Spencer goes to see Louise and she says, for the second time, “What Up?” You need to nip this in the bud Louise, like, yesterday.

Stevie is at the gym, attempting to lose the summer weight he has gained in his face.

Louise tells Rosie that she will fight for her relationship with Andy. This begs the question “why are you turning off your phone and lap-dancing for 60-year-old business men in Shoreditch then?” She tries crying again but doesn’t get there. I think she has lost the ability now that she has gone totally insane.

Phoebe confronts Fran and pretty much asks her what the hell she thinks she’s playing at with regards to Alex. Fran says that nothing is going on and that she’d never go there – but it is and she did. Cheska tries to wedge her oar in and dissects the kiss that happened between Alex and Fran. She ultimately reduces it to the most un-sexy event ever, making it Screen Shot 2013-10-15 at 09.03.58sound like a kiss between a couple of floppy carp. Phoebe is really lovely and supportive about it all and gives them their blessing like a grown up (she doesn’t).

Binky is having her hair interfered with by an Italian man when she gets a call from Spenny, and accidentally tells him where she and Lucy are hanging out that night. Spencer resultantly turns up and makes Lucy cry before heading off to another therapy session with Rebecca Hall.

Next week’s predictions: Stephanie Pratt lands in Chelsea, bitches! I have a story about her, but that’s for next week. It involves me talking to her about her sister-in-law Heidi Montag’s music career; Phoebe and Fran have a competition about who can sport the most ridiculous, massive hat; Alex and Fran decide to touch each other’s regions; Louise finds out that there’s more money in Japanese businessmen; Belle and Tiffany will be allowed to speak but will say something as poignant as a left over slice of quiche Lorraine.

– A

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