So the biggest revelation from the last couple of weeks of Big Brother is that we now finally know why Daley was put into the house *cough domestic violence cough* But more about that later, as it only just happened yesterday, innit.

I didn’t feel compelled to write an individual blog about Week 3 of BB, because it would have been very Wolfy-heavy,HOZEL DALEY 1 and so I thought I’d just bunker down and pray for daylight, hoping that soon the public would stop this People’s Princess claptrap and evict her sorry ass. I’m sorry, but if Wolfy is a representative of The People, then I’m all for Capitalism.

Anyway, in a nutshell, over the course of Weeks 3 & 4 we have seen her downfall. Things that she has uttered that probably didn’t help her win the public over were sentences such as “I ain’t going anywhere, I know I’m going to win” and “If I stand up once more and feel gunge in my fucking vagina, I will go crazy”. Her girlfriend is one lucky lady.

What I didn’t really understand about this beastly woman was that she would go into the diary room and declare that she was going to win it for all the freaks out there. Now, indirectly, she is claiming that overweight people, fishermenor indeed lesbians, are freaks. So she was alienating her own kind right there – tarnishing them with her brush of ignorance. Also, her argument was ridiculous given that it’s mostly been “non-normal people” who have wonBBUK over the years. The first ever winner WOLFY EVICTIONwas a pretty average guy, but he was nearly beaten to the BB crown by a lesbian nun. Season 2 was a gay, season 4 was a weird quiet man who no-one has heard from since, season 5 was Nadia the transsexual, season 7 was that guy with ADD and Tourette’s, season 8 was the bloke who didn’t know who Shakespeare was, season 12 was a man who was booed when he exited as the winner and season 13 was yet another transsexual (also the most annoying man/woman on the planet, with him/her whining his/her way to the final). In short, had Wolfy won, she would not have been in the slightest bit special. In fact, a weird winner is the norm.

Anyway, this is all moot, because she was thrown out of the house last week, like an old kaftan being tossed from a Granny Annex. The week she was first up for eviction saw Dan sulking like a big buff gay child. If anyone thinks they’re going to win it, it’s him, and he couldn’t bear to be nominated. There was a scene where he was trying to cry about it to Hazel, but she clearly wanted to be left alone to eat her bowl of sticky rice.

GINA PHONEOn the subject of Hazel and her stickiness, she had been developing an unhealthy fag hag fixation with Dan (before he lost all sense of masculinity thanks to his moaning) where she could be spied dry humping him in the bed. This transferred itself across to Daley, therefore giving him an actual storyline and consequently initiating the downfall of his reputation/public image/life. But I’m slowly getting to that.

There was a task where Wolfy and the others had to go and eat lemons. Wolfy kept heaving due to not being used to sucking on acidic oval-shaped objects.

Sophie told Dexter that she “hates every inch of” him. Then she did the shopping list on what looked like an iPad. Um, what happened to BB being back to basics?CARLY SIMON

Gina and Dexter were sent to a safe house, where they watched the housemates on a big screen. Gina watched Daley ley say that the only person he would hang out with outside the house would be Dexter. Gina then told Dexter that Daley has just said that he hopes he never sees Dexter ever again. Love it.

Dexter and Gina also got treated to a personalised viewpoint of the Daley/Hazel situation. They saw it develop and blossom into the thing of beauty that it is. There was a night where they all got wasted and Daley grinds against Hazel- or Hozel, as I feel this is more apt. She let him do it, despite knowing his poor girlfriend would be sitting at home, watching, crying into the quilt she’s been knitting him for when he comes home to her. Apparently the connection between Daley and Hozel “runs deep”. Sure it does.

The prospect of a Callum/Charlie romance withered and died since Charlie started to pie Callum off. It can’t have helped that they were being watched by Jackie, the mother, who I personally think is Carly Simon putting on a middle class English accent.JACKIE T

There was an animal task in which Wolfy was meant to talk to an emu, rabbit and oyster. Having spent her time in the house pretending that she can communicate with wildlife, she then makes a tit of herself by failing the task in which she is asked to decipher what these animals are thinking. Are we shocked? She then declared that she would always be saved from eviction because the public will enjoy her comedy! Wolfy, you are hardly Ellen DeGeneres. You’re not even Rhona Cameron love.

Dexter called Sophie a big gypsy.

Someone misused the term “pussy foot” by instead replacing the word “pussy” with “piggy”. Piggy foot? Catchy.

Dexter and Gina tell Joe the twin that they watched him in the safe house and that he’s a massive bitch. He whines about it despite the fact that those twins ARE massive bitches. I don’t get the appeal with them, they never smile, they’re aggressive and they make my eyes bleed.

The crowd outside chant “Get Wolfy Out” on eviction night which is literally like listening to a choir of Christmas angels singing on the Holy Night. Consequently, Wolfy is indeed gotten out and I look forward to never hearing her speak ever again.

Ok, so the Daley and Hozel sitch. Watching them piggy foot around each other is like watching a couple of randy peacocks. Daley spends the majority of his interaction with Hozel pinpointing the fact that he has a penis. It’s sort of like he’s only just realised he’s got one. Hozel continually brushes herself against him (and it)  and conducts a lot of overly lengthy hugs which would be weird even if they were a couple. Daley repeatedly points out that his boxer shorts are not doing a very good job of containing his turgid penis whenever she flits around him. My suggestion DALEY GIRLFRIENDhere would be that he has purchased a pack of medium boxers when he should have really bought a small, no? Hozel, however, gets all up in his personal space when he tries to get her to go away, hugging him tighter and tighter and slowly destroying the heart of his bystanding girlfriend who is watching from her sewing room in East Dagenham.

This then gets even more cringe when the pair are swapped with Dexter and Gina to live in the safe house. Daley spends a lot of the time looking at himself in the mirror, just after Hozel has hugged him. This is because he’s a twat, seeking masculine approval from his own reflection. There is a shower in the safe house, which the pair talk about at length in regards to how on earth they are supposed to enter and exit said shower without the other one seeing the shower-goers genitalia. Daley goes and stands in the shower door for like half an hour, trying to figure out how Hozel can avoid seeing him take off his towel. Um, how about you stop drawing attention to yourself you asshat. Or how about she just turns around and doesn’t look. There, problem solved. It’s like they’re both 14 and they’re in the communal showers at band camp.

THEN they have a mother’s meeting about the sleeping arrangements. It’s so predictable I could just barf. There’s two lovely double beds but instead of just shutting up and going to sleep in separate beds, Daley sits on the edge of his, staring at Hozel like a giant pervert, weighing up the pros and cons of sleeping in separate beds. Pros: you get a lovely spacious night’s sleep and also don’t traumatize your girlfriend, who is currently watching on a portable TV under her kitchen sink out of the sight of the Daily Star reporters who are camping on her front lawn. Con: you don’t get tossed off. He ends up in her bed (shock) and we hear squelching noises.

HOZEL DALEY 2It all takes a turn for the nasty the next night though when they start chasing each other around the bedroom like a pair of sorority girls and she pulls his shorts down. Oh Hozel, you are a scamp. Did you get a little peek at his winky?Anyway, the natural reaction to this of course is for him to grab her around the throat, pin her down onto the bed and threaten to nut her. Bye bye Daley. Here’s to a lifetime of being known as a wife beater by the public.

What’s really weird is that after he is ejected from the house, no-one seems to bat an eyelid. Partly because Hozel doesn’t tell anyone what’s happened. In fact it’s all a bit anti-climactic. if I were Big Brother I’d play the footage from the boudoir of violence to the remaining housemates and show them what they were missing.

But I’m not. Regrettably.

– A


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