First off, if you missed the two Apprentice blogs I published last week, they can be found here and here. We are now all up to date, ok, so get off my back! Love you.

This week’s predictions: It’s that time in the process where Lord S sets his wolves onto the remaining candidates for them to unrealistically destroy them – something that would never happen in an actual interview (OH YEAH – RELEASE THE HOUNDS); This magical third business partner of Jordan’s will rear it’s ugly head again and consequently ruin his prospects at ever being employed ever again by anywhere other than MacDonald’s (HE MAY AS WELL BE HANDED THE SECRET RECIPE TO A CRUNCHIE MCFLURRY RIGHT NOW); Dr Leah will be made a finalist! She just has to be!!!!! Dr Leah to win! (IT IS AN HONOUR, YOUR GRACE) Full Marks!!!!

The Apprentice; Season 9; Episode 11


The candidates are loitering around the kitchen like a bunch of youths outside a Wendy’s. Lord Sugar pretends to phone them but he actually pre-recorded that phone call 4 weeks ago in a back-room at Heathrow airport before he boarded his private jet to Irong-Irong. He tells his posse that they need to perfect their business plans because he’s going to send them off to be on TV Show “Four Rooms”. Oh no, he’s not, sorry. But they are going to go for one-on-one interviews with his special friends, the only one of note being benefit cheat Margaret, who Karren secretly hates. You can just tell.

And they’re off. The candidates all start fiddling about with their proposals. There’s a montage where they are all sitting with glasses on pretending to type and think. There’s a shot of Luisa typing away, over the top of a pair of cherry buns. Jordan writes his plan out on a notepad in crayon. There’s a closeup of Dr Leah’s proposal, and I spot a wayward comma.

The next day they go off to meet their interviewers. That bald Claude bloke is there, giving an example on how no-one on the planet conducts an interview in the real world of business. Luisa says something about how she’s a bit likeBALD CLAUDE Lord Sugar, to which he replies with “don’t EVER compare yourself to Lord Sugar, EVER” like a disgruntled ex-wife. Margaret is reading Jordan’s CV, which says something about how he is used to living a life of private jets. He says this is because of the schools he went to. Yeah, the school of delusional grandeur. He then says he has studied history’s great thinkers, yet tells Margaret that he aspires to be David Beckham. Wow. At least this explains last week’s sarong.

Interviewer Claudine (the nice one) tries to call Francesca boring, which Francesca holds her hand up to and says “no no, girlfriend”. She is then asked about the £5 million revenue or profit (or whatever) that she generates. Apparently she closed her eyes and threw a dart at a bunch of post-its with numbers on, and speared the NO NO GIRLFRIENDnumber 5. This is how this figure came to be in her business plan. Oh Fran, you should of just gone for it and written £5 gazillion trillion. They’d never of known.

I KNEW IT! Back in my first blog I expressly stated that Dr Leah was in the business of plumping and filling. And I was right!!! Her business proposal is for a plastic surgery organisation. I’m too good. She is asked to explain it, which she does – at great length, without stopping to inhale.

There is this sort of “Man From Uncle” sequence which sees Neil marching toward his interview, which is totally built up for no reason given that his interview with Claude is crap. Someone then says that if Jordan doesn’t nail his interview, no-one will. Have these people MET Jordan? He goes in and lists his direct business experience as trading on Ebay as a teenager. In that case, I’M  a businessman, from the time I sold my hi-fi and purchased Victoria Beckham’s two unreleased albums.

There’s a montage of all the candidates walking robotically through the corridors to and from their interviews, without looking each other in the eye when they pass one another. Luisa tells Margaret that she hasVICTORIA BECKHAMopen your eyes no personality. She casually says something about her husband. Did I hear that right? She’s married? But why was there all that stuff in the press about how she was shagging Jordan. I knew that wasn’t true, who’d go THERE!!!??

Jordan is asked to solve a Rubik’s cube, as he says on his CV that he can do it in 3 minutes. Does he do it? What do you think? Then the infamous, cloaked figure of Jordan’s mysterious secret business partner comes creeping out of the woodwork. As does the fact that he lists himself as the co-founder of this business partner’s company, whereas in fact he is not. In actual fact, they met in a bar once and the “business partner” in question made a “gentleman’s promise” to let Jordan be involved in the company. I suspect this person simply said it to Jordan to make him go away.

Luisa uses the term “when in doubt, smile and pout”, which gets Dr Leah’s ears pricking.

Jordan then goes in to see Claude and I can tell that this will be fabulous. He says “I’m Jordan” and Claude says “I know!” Loving it already. The upshot is that Claude rips him to shreds due to the fact that the business he is proposing has absolutely nothing to do with Jordan himself. Naturally, Claude is irritated by the fact that he only found this out when he reached page 45 of the 52 page “diatribe”. I suspect the sentence said something like “I came up with the idea all by myself (with the help of someone I once met, who I stole the idea from)”. The upshot of all this is that Claude calls Jordan a bottom-feeding parasite and says “this interview is terminated, you can leave now”. Jordan exits the room and tells the others that it was one of the toughest interviews he has ever had. JORDAN RUBIKSONE OF??????? Jesus!

Luisa then slips into conversation that the process was harder than giving birth! Luisa has given birth????? She keeps dropping these bombshells, I can’t cope with it.

Lord S meets Margaret and her crew in the boardroom – not the bathroom. He keeps cracking jokes and everyone pretends to laugh at them. Of Francesca’s business, he says that he would be “Lord of the Dance” – everyone laughs. Of Dr Leah’s he says that lunchtime facial fillers sounds like a big sandwich – everyone laughs again, a little less enthusiastically. Of Luisa’s cake business he says that he’s not going to spend hundreds of thousands on hundreds and thousands – everyone’s shoulders shudder and their teeth grit through forced chuckles. Of Jordan’s immersive mobile experience he says “isn’t that when you drop your phone down the loo” – the sides of everyone’s mouths start to twitch as they attempt to fein amusement.

Claude tells Lord S that he is sorry to say he had to throw Jordan out before he had even finished the interview. He is SO not sorry.

The candidates enter the boardroom but Jordan is fired practically before he has even sat down. He doesn’t even get a vox-pop in the taxi on the way home. For a moment I feel sorry for him because he has clearly only gotten through to this stage in the competition so that he can be humiliated. Then I get over it.

Everyone deduces that Neil’s business idea is pretty shit. The general consensus is that it’s a “real shame” because he’s such a “jolly nice chap”, but I’ve always found him to have as much character as my old A Level form tutor. So LORD S WOLVESgood riddance in my opinion.

Then it’s a head-to-head-to-head with the three left-over girls. All girl final bitches! One of them still has to be fired though. Fran very nearly stabs Luisa in the back. She is asked to comment on Luisa’s character. She sort of gets out her dagger and rests the tip between Luisa’s shoulder blades but goes no further, ultimately saying that she has proven herself as a worthy finalist. She perhaps regrets her honourable behaviour when she is fired (which is a shame because we liked Francesca) leading Luisa and Dr Leah to be announced as the final two – which provokes Dr Leah to smile for the first time this series.

Prediction for next week: DR LEAH WILL WIN!!!! Long live cosmetic surgery!

– A


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