Last week’s predictions: Ready meals is the task – but products that are neither “ready” nor “meals” will be produced (YES); Alex will be PM – he just HAS to finally be given a chance (YES!!!!!); Karren and Luisa will have a fight in a vat of re-heatable chicken korma (NO – A CRYING SHAME IN MY OPINION); someone will get food poisoning – one can only hope it’s Neil (NO!!!!!) 2/4 – 50/50
The Apprentice; Season 9; Episode 9
At the Gherkin (too easy to make jokes about this) Lord Sugar announces this week’s task will be ready meals. Alex is finally made PM so that he can have his chance to shine (or not!) He fixates on the idea of piella – a meal renowned for its freshness reduced to a re-heatable packet of mush in a floppy plastic box. There is then a tiff between Alex and Myles about what to call their meals. Dracula’s Dinners is thrown into the mix, which is clearly a homage to Alex’s genealogy as the Prince of the Damned. Alex, however, wants to call their product Poppety Ping. Apparently this is Welsh for “idiot”.
The other team want to fuse Thai with Caribbean; and I retch at the prospect. The other team are trying to decide who should go to the kitchens to make the food – Luisa, the professional cook, or Francesca, who doesn’t know how to hold a spatula. They choose Francesca – naturally. Off she goes, alone and sad, to Derbyshire.
Myles and Alex are bickering over the theme for their kids ready meals. It’s Deadly Dinners vs Geography. So it’s a concept that is only relevant on October 31st vs tectonic plate movement.
Francesca is struggling in ye olde kitchenette. Poor thing just literally doesn’t have a clue about intermingling flavours. Luisa phones her and reels of a list of ingredients. She suggests Francesca produces a wet sauce. What other kind is there???? Luisa then tells Francesca to “add a bit of pasata”. Fran is as frustrated as a nun in a Threshers. She chucks a bit of pasata into her wet sauce and hopes for the best.
Neil and Luisa are suggesting ideas for their brand. Their graphic designer is a ginge and subliminally this causes them to suggest they call their meals “Ginger Mister”. He is gravely offended, you can tell. It’s superb. Their teammates, Jordan and Dr Leah are mixing prawns with bolognese. Isn’t that Italian and Japanese, rather than Thai and Caribbean? Either way, it’s rank. Leah tastes Jordan’s sauce by licking some off his wrist. I bet that sauce is wet!
A mother, at a focus group, is telling the other team that, as a child, she asked for a box of prawns for her birthday. What the F???
Each team brands their products. Deadly Dinners choose to use a skull as their logo, suggesting it will kill the consumer; the fusion team call their meal “Oh My Pow” which is presumably a take on that well know saying “Oh My Wow”. I rest my case.
Team Deadly Dinners head off to test their meals on a load of feral children, whose parents really hate the idea and point out that the term “deadly” suggest that the food is…well, deadly. The feral children love it though. But that’s because they’re feral.
At the pitches, Neil does a boring pitch, which pleases me, but then Jordan takes over and does a really good pitch, which upsets me. I am actually finding myself favouring Neil over Jordan, because I literally want to push Jordan over in the street. Meanwhile, Myles is trying to do the other team’s pitch but can’t get a word in edgeways because Alex (who I will remind readers is the ruddy PM) is stabbing holes into the film cover of the meal, during the pitch. Every stab through that plastic is like a stab through his career.
It’s all jokes and bants in the boardroom. Lord S is tossing jests around like they’re going out of fashion. He says that Oh My Pow sounds like a brand of dogfood (hahahahahahaaaaaaa it DOES) and that a recipe idea for Deadly Dinners could be Homicidal Hummus. He then says that a serving suggestion for these meals would be “don’t serve it”. Basically, Alex’s team loose. The others are sent off to spin around a concrete ring in Rockingham (AND they get to go and race Ferraris).
Lord S scolds Team Alex because they “took no bladdy notice of the focus group”. Dr Leah starts to defend herself. Lord S says that she has spoken more in the last 10 minutes than she has throughout that last 9 weeks, which just isn’t true, because Dt Leah is fabulous. She then totally rants at Lord S about how great she is, consequently shutting him up. My money is defo on her for the Apprentice crown. She’s like Anne Boleyn in a power suit.
The upshot is that Alex is fired and sent back to where he belongs – inscribing obelisks in the gullies of Wales, with his army of sac-winged bats.
Next week’s predictions: a load of fur and spandex will be brandished around; Dr Leah will continue to climb higher and higher, the Apprentice orb and sceptre within closer reach; Alex will cast a spell on Lord S from his castle on the top of Mount Pontypridd.