Last week’s predictions: a load of fur and spandex will be brandished around (YEP. LUISA’S GOT HER MUFFS OUT); Dr Leah will continue to climb higher and higher, the Apprentice orb and sceptre within closer reach (ALL HAIL HER HIGHNESS ALL MIGHTY, REGINA LEAH); Alex will cast a spell on Lord S from his castle on the top of Mount Pontypridd (YEAH, BUT IT’S NOT SHOWN ON TV, OBVS) Full marks. Why not?
The Apprentice; Season 9; Episode 10
The candidates are told to go to the living room. Everyone sort of runs around shouting “living room”. Jordan is wearing a skirt. He wants to be David Beckham but he is just really really not.
Lord Sugar sends the candidates a message on the TV, apologising for getting them up so early. He gets them up that early every week, no? Why is he sorry THIS week? I might write a letter to the BBC about that.
So this is the week where they go off and choose stuff to sell, and then start up their own little shop/business and shift as much of it as possible. I predict the phrase “smell what sells” will be used around 60 times during the episode. I also predict that most of the candidates will smell what sells, and then ignore it.
The girls and boys are split up, and the girls choose fashion. I can see why they choose that. The boys choose…shit ceramics. It’s not even funky union jack teapots, it’s actual shit. For example, they choose ceramic rubber gloves. And ceramic notepads. They would be better off stocking their shop with actual rubber gloves and actual notebooks and pieces of smashed up ceramic that someone could use to line the bottom of a plant pot for drainage.
Luisa is at her stall, pulling in the punters with her catchy phrase “we’ve got lovely cats and beanie hats”. Her, Fran and Dr Leah are flapping around what look like dead wolves. Nonetheless, the carcasses are selling. The men, on the other hand, aren’t selling one ceramic item. Neil is trying to make a sale by advertising the rubber gloves as iconic. Jordan is nowhere to be seen because he’s trying to locate more stock for the shop, and is poncing about buying cards to sell. Ah yes, that popular trend in pottery and card shopping. Idiots. They then decide to call their shop, which will open the next day, “Casa Unique”. That’s one word for it.
The next day, Luisa lures people into her store and starts forcing headbands onto their heads, against their will. This is ensuring high sales, whilst the boys are scaring the punters away by displaying their shitty products at the front of the shop rather than inside it, consequently barricading the doorway and leaving the actual shop empty. All this for a pottery rubber glove. Somewhere along the way, the men have acquired some large designer-looking candles, which they say are “immortal” candles, as a means of selling them. Sadly, the punters are too savvy and realise that if one lights a candle the wick will eventually burn down. Apparently, Jordan doesn’t quite understand the concept of candles.
THEN it gets even WORSE. Myles allows Jordan to go off and buy more goods to sell. He returns with a vase – but it’s not a vase. It looks more like a piece of brain coral. Or indeed, just a brain. You can’t put any form of foliage into it, so therefore its not a vase. Neil and Myles are of course devastated but Jordan insists he will sell the “vase” and make them all a small fortune. Will he/Won’t he????
Nick is singing Luisa’s praises in the boardroom. Karren tells him to not get carried away, as Neil sold more than her, individually. It doesn’t matter because the girls sweep the floor with the boys and win the task. Off they go, in their glad rags, to have dinner on a roof somewhere.
The question is hanging in the air: did Jordan sell the shit vase?
Karren gets it out (AND the vase) for everyone to mock. They do – because it’s shit. Myles tries to defend his obscure desire for ceramics and Jordan tells him he’s embarrassing himself. Myles retorts with “what’s embarrassing is you still banging on about that vase”. Boom!
Neil starts rambling on about how he is all about “innovation, creation and operation”. He’s like one of those motivational speakers that only get gigs in coffee shops in town centres, who play the saxophone on the side.
Then a bombshell is dropped. Literally, the boardroom ceiling opens and a Russian Mi-24P Hind-F chopper gunship’s lower flaps open and releases a shell of bombs. Jordan already has a business partner!!!!! If he wins The Apprentice, Lord S would have to go into business with him AND someone else. Jordan tries to defend it. He digs himself a grave, shoots himself in the foot, and chucks himself in. Who IS this elusive third business partner anyway? His boyfriend? His cat?
Then the second bombshell descends: Myles is fired! My money was on him as a potential winner. I literally don’t understand it. Jordan is being kept in over Myles??? However, after my initial fluster of panic, I realise that this decision is all in the name of amazing TV, as next week will see Jordan humiliated further and frankly I’d rather see that than Myles win. God speed, Myles.
Next week’s predictions: It’s that time in the process where Lord S sets his wolves onto the remaining candidates for them to unrealistically destroy them – something that would never happen in an actual interview; This magical third business partner of Jordan’s will rear it’s ugly head again and consequently ruin his prospects at ever being employed ever again by anywhere other than MacDonald’s; Dr Leah will be made a finalist! She just has to be!!!!! Dr Leah to win!