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I fear, as I click PUBLISH on this blog, there will be a number of fans out there who will look up from their hardback copies of “Sons & Lovers”, peer over the rims of their reading glasses and go “tsk tsk tsk” at the tardiness of this recap of the Made In Chelsea wrap party. But then you’ll all shake your heads and say “what is he like?” in reference to me, and carry on reading…I hope.ME AND TARA

So the partial reason this is late is that I went to another “do” with some of the MIC crew the other night and thought I’d throw some of this in there too. Jamie Laing was hosting an event in Mayfair, so I dragged 4 mates with me to it. I say “dragged” because it wasn’t quite the roaring success that my last MIC gathering was; I didn’t get uncomfortably close to Spenny, nor did Hugo Taylor feed me vodka, nor was there an encounter with Josh in the gents. However, Jamie was there with Tara – aka Claudia Winkleman – and she is so nice. Like, seriously, bless her. Just bless her. Bless the child! We were talking about this blog, which she hasn’t read (a little bit selfish of her, but let’s just blow past that) and she was all “I hope you’re nice about me” and I was all “yeah, totes”. Calling her an underaged Claudia Winkleman is nice, right?

Then I had a brief chat with Lydia from The Only Way Is Essex, which was slightly weird but whatever, I’ll take that.

Jamie, on the other hand, was deceptively small and rather timid. We had a brief chat whilst balancing on a cushioned bench in loafers, but alas, a photograph was not going to happen, so that was the end of that. We are a little disappointed with him actually, it must be said. Anyway, by this point, my friends Danielle & Rachel’s stilettos were filling up with blood, they were disappointed with the women:men ratio at the club (a thousand sluts per 1 arrogant man) so we all left. It was no Hugo’s birthday, let me tell you THAT!

MIC: Season 5; Wrap Party

First of all, how do I get an invitation to this!!?? I want to go!

So there’s a skit with the cast as superheroes. It’s actually pretty funny and the air is rife with annoyance between Lucy and Spenny. She calls him Man Boobs. She is dressed as ETIABBIJSMM Girl (“Everyone Thinks I’m A Bitch But I Just Speak My Mind Girl”). She looks hot in a superhero outfit and I love her.

SUPERHEROESIn the studio, some naked women parade the infamous MIC BAFTA around. Then Rick Edwards refers to Spencer and Lucy as “Splucy”. Now, this irritates me. First off, I dubbed them Spucy (no “L”) a couple of blogs ago, and mine is better. Here’s why. When merging two names because the two people in question are a couple, it’s not effective to use part of one name and the entirity of the other. So, in Rick Edwards’ attempt, he takes the “SP” from Spencer and the entire “LUCY” from Lucy. That’s not clever. Mine IS clever because, by not including the “L” from Lucy, I create a word that sounds a bit like “spew”. which means to vomit, throw up, purge, be sick through your mouth. IT’S JUST BETTER!!!!!!

Anyway, cue the spew, because the cat’s out of the bag: Spenny has cheated. But, I mean, are we surprised?At all? Are we? Any of us? No. It’s his thing. He joins Rick on stage who asks him what the fuck is wrong with him. Yes, Rick Edwards, yes! Spencer’s excuse is that he’s young and living the dream. Well, that’s fine then, Spenny. You twat. Poor, poor, angelic, beautiful Lucy. Apparently she was told about it through Twitter (it wasn’t me!) which is just a giant slap around the face with a block of cheese. I think Spenny only entertains the notion of having relationships with Chelsea girls SP(L)UCYbecause the producers surely won’t want to include a storyline every week about how he has had sex with…well, a skank. The girls he sleeps with are just NOT Chelsea. I don’t stalk him and watch him sleep around (I don’t!!!!) but I presume that if they were to produce a show about this it would be called “Made In The Street Outside China Whites”. Catchy!

Amyway, Lucy never wants to speak to Spenny again. Run back to Hot Alex, Lucy. Do iiiiittttttttttt! It’s not too late. Wheeze is all smug in the audience but the general consensus is that Lucy has had a lucky escape. A Luc(k)y Escape, if you will. I wonder if she’ll get it on with Stevie now, one drunken night in their flat while they are stringing popcorn garlands…

Jamie can’t be there because he’s got the mumps. Serves him right for not humouring me the other night. He wins a Silver Spoon award and accepts it from his bed via VT. He pretends to cough and then mumbles something about how Phoebe ME AND LYDIAgave him the mumps. Did she now?????????

Francis films a sequence about being in Ghana, but he’s actually in Kew Gardens. Rick then asks him to explain why he was in Ghana (apparently he did go there) but he is really weird about telling us what he was doing there? Choosing a wife??

My dear dear friend Jane Felstead wins a Spoon for the best sex talk. She then announces that she advises Binky whether to spit or swallow. I love ya Jane, but that’s a bit TMI, no?

There is a Mark-Francis and Victoria montage and, I’m sorry, but all the clips and soundbites used in it are practically all to be found in the headings of my blogs. Or at least the body of the text. I am just so editorial, it’s not even funny. Victoria says that underneath all the bullshit, her fellow cast members are all nice. Isn’t that sweet?

Andy is wearing massive, thick, orthopaedic glasses. I don’t believe he needs them. Anyway, apparently he and Louise are still a bit dodge from the whole thing where she slept over at Niall from One Direction’s house. Lucy pipes up and asks her if she’s lying about not sleeping with him. Wheeze is literally the definition of sweaty Betty. She is all matt-faced. Is this because she and Niall made sweet sweet love and she is still denying it? Is that what makes her perspire to this unattractive and excessive degree? I think she did, you know. I just think she’s afraid to admit it because the One NIALLDirection fans are all small girls who take to Twitter in times like this and threaten to hunt down and kill whoever is rumoured to of slept with their One Direction member of choice. They sit at their PowerPuff Girl laptops, and type, as they cry bitter, bitter tears. What’s weird is that Nick Grimshaw has never had a threat like this…

Ollie and Fran are touched upon and I just don’t care. Ollie – get a boyfriend! That’s what we want to see! Fran is more suited to someone like the lesser-known brother of Kate and Pippa Middleton.

Josh is nominated for a Spoon for the best moment that an inanimate object upstaged a scene, the animate object being him. Says it all really, right? What have I said all season?? Case closed!

Jamie is then phone-interviwed by Rick about the whole Phoebe sitch. Proudlock wears a mask with Jamie’s face on it. He should keep it on – forever! My new BFF Tara is mentioned, which Jamie doesn’t really say much about, other than to imply that he really couldn’t give two shits about her. Well, that clearly wasn’t the case at Aura Mayfair last Saturday, was it?! Witness!!! So I guess Phoebe is out. It might be something to do with the fact that Tara has now finished her AS Levels and school’s out for the summer bitches!

LUCY NOT AMUSED

The closing skit is a “gay porno” between Spencer and Proudlock but my digi-box cut it off before it finished and I couldn’t be bothered to scroll through the episode on 4OD to see the outcome of what was sure to be hideously cringe. There’s only so many times I can watch an advert for Ryvita. If readers want to educate me with their own thoughts on it, please do comment below or Tweet me. I think Francis might have joined in with this, right? Did we see him semi-naked? Should I be glad that the gods of fortune decided to end my recording prematurely?

– A

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