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Last week’s predictions: There’s some sort of tiff about altering the PM position half-way through a task, and my bet is that it’s between Luisa and Francesca (YES, BUT IT’S NOT BETWEEN THOSE TWO. “WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?” I HEAR YOU CRY); Alex will be made PM on the other team to prove himself (NO – IT’S GETTING A BIT EMBARRASSING NOW FOR ALEX); he won’t prove himself at all, and will instead end up on a Virgin trainDR LEAH IN SHOCK back to Wales (I THINK THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE CASE IF HIS TEAM HAD LOST THE TASK BUT SADLY THEY WIN THIS WEEK); the dating site task will see Dr Leah’s role as eye candy resurrected (YES); there’ll be a casting session with models which will get the contestants all giddy (NO, WHICH IS A BIT SAD FOR ALL INVOLVED); Neil and Jordan will attempt to actually come away from the task with dates, but will fail because they are heinous (JORDAN PUTS AN ONLINE PROFILE UP AS A “DUMMY” PROFILE, BUT U SUSPECT HE KEPT IT UP ANYWAY. BEING THE ONLY PROFILE ON THE SITE MEANS YOU GET MORE HITS (IN THEORY)) – 2/6

The Apprentice; Season 9; Episode 8

WARNING: the first thing you witness in this episode is Alex in his panties! He is so desperate to answer the SugarPhone that he forgets his modesty, and consequently my eyes explode.

Lord Sugar keeps the teams waiting while he saunters through London traffic in his Bentley or whatever it is. Rude, rude, RUDE! When he finally takes his sweet time to go up and see the candidates, he reveals that this week’s task will be to create an online dating website. I immediately forgive him for being late, as this is sure to be train wreck TV. LS tells the teams that at the end of the task he has gathered a bunch of experts that he has laid…on. They will decide whether their online dating efforts are shit or not.

JORDAN IPADMyles announces that it’s not that weird to indulge in a little online dating these days. He says he first “saw a picture of my wife online”. Thai bride?

Alex and Jordan both pitch their cases for being PM. Alex suggests they do a dating site for the gays, which he says they could call “50 Shades of Gay”. Needless to say, Jordan is selected as PM. They then decide to aim their site at professional people and so Alex takes his original idea and suggests they call their site “50 Shades of Work”. SOMEONE has been reading a certain trilogy a little too obsessively, haven’t they?

On the other team, Jason offers himself up as the PM, which makes sense because he ran a dating website for students as a past business endeavor. Hateful spiteful bitter Neil, who spent the camping task bitching about Jason despite the fact that he was an asset to his sales team, asks Jason if he can handle being PM. Jason insists he can. Done!

Dr Leah is sent out on the street to whore herself out a bit. She pounces on a man and asks him to pose in a picture with her for the site, as if they are a professional couple who have met through the website. The problem is that Dr Leah rarely smiles and the bespectacled man looks awkward as hell. So it actually suggests that dating on their site is as fruitful as hanging out at the local Costcutter and hoping you’ll bump into the love of your life as you PM PANICboth reach for the same box of Laughing Cow triangles.

The market research for the over 50s site that the other team is doing is the most depressing thing I have seen and makes me want to find a life partner immediately.

The two sites are christened “Cufflinks” (emphasis on the “links”) and “Friendship & Flowers” (emphasis on the apparent notion that anyone over 50 would rather have these two “Fs” rather than the “F” that the rest of us so actively covet. I am referring to Fondue of course).

Luisa and Jason have a bit of a tiff in the graphic design office when Jason obsesses a little too much over the colour theme of the site. This results in the rest of the office popping their heads up over their computer screens like a pack of cheeky meerkats trying to get a glimpse of a gazelle being ripped apart by a cheetah. Jason, in this instance, is the gazelle.

Jordan volunteers himself to have a dummy profile uploaded to the website for professionals. He lists his job title as “International Spy”. Dickhead.

HERBERT 1Jason, who I would remind you here is PM, uses sentences to his team such as “you should perhaps decide for me”. Oh dear. The upshot of this self-defeating sentence is that Luisa is voted to take over as PM. Has this ever even happened on The Apprentice before?? Should there be a commemorative plaque put up somewhere?

On the other team, Myles makes the fatal error of using the phrase “the last thing you want on a date is to find out you’re matched up with a total Herbert”. For some reason, the team loves this and decide that it should be the through-line of their ad campaign. They appoint Alex to play “The Herbert” in the commercial by backhandedly declaring him facially unappealing. He then adds that he’s good at camera angles because he once made a sex tape. The concept of their ad is that a woman meets up with “Herbert” who is Alex dressed up in shorts with socks on and with strange fake eyebrows and make up plastered on his face. The tagline is “Cufflinks – for those that don’t have time to waste on total Herberts” when it should have been “Cufflinks – for those that don’t have time to waste on creepy Welsh perverts”. The ad is basically produced as successfully as if a bunch of students went down to their local park with their inner-city school’s media department camera.

Neil is asking Luisa if he can do the pitch for “Friendship & Flowers”. She says no. He asks her to sleep on it. She says she will. She won’t.

HERBERT 2At the pitch the next day, both teams showcase their websites and adverts. There is particular focus on a real bitch in the front row, who is obviously the founder of match.com or something, but she’s a cow. She slates Cufflinks by saying something like “look around this room…how many of these people are wearing cufflinks?’ Not quite the point you silly bitch.

When “Friendship & Flowers” show their ad, I physically die inside. It involves a couple in their 60s who have the sexual chemistry of a porcupine and who wink at the camera as if it’s an aside on an episode of “Bewitched”. The front row bitch attacks the team verbally for their corny advert and their shit website. In this instance, she is right – but she’s still a bitch.

Lord S pretends to then speak to this woman and her colleagues on the phone, but really this was all filmed separately. He then brings everyone into the boardroom. It comes out that Luisa took over as PM, to which Dr Leah overreacts for dramatic effect. You think Lord S is going to batter Jason for it, but then Nick pipes up like a bit of a shit stirrer BEWILDERED SHEEPand rather nastily says that Luisa nipped at Jason’s heels as if he were a bewildered sheep and that it was a “disgraceful display of bad manners”. Blimey. The upshot is that both dating sites are a pile of wank, but “Cufflinks” wins so the team gets to go caviar tasting and get their lips round some tiny fishy balls. Jordan says something about “if and when I win” and I strongly urge him to emphasize the “if”. Also, he is very small and I can’t work it out.

Back in the firing line, the girls bicker across poor Jason’s head (he is still looking like that bewildered sheep, it has to be said) and Lord S tells them to shut (shat) up (ap). Jason is then fired and the reason given is that he’s too nice. To be fair, he is.

Karren then announces that she wants to follow Luisa next week. I see a bit of bitch slappin’ on the horizon.

Next week’s predictions: Ready meals is the task – but products that are neither “ready” nor “meals” will be produced; Alex will be PM – he just HAS to finally be given a chance; Karren and Luisa will have a fight in a vat of re-heatable chicken korma; someone will get food poisoning – one can only hope it’s Neil.

– A

 HERBERT 3

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