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It really started to irritate me, a few seasons of Big Brother ago, when one idiot contestant said something along the lines of “oh my god, I’m up for nomination”. NO! It’s “up for EVICTION”. You can’t be “up for nomination” as you are all eligible to be nominated. Nonetheless, this has stuck and they still say it to this day. Last year’s Big Brother had literally every contestant, every five minutes, using the phrase “a hundred percent”. It would go something like this: “oh my god, she is such a game player” “oh my god, yeah, a hundred percent.” SO annoyiiiiinnnng. The second week of this year’s Big Brother has coughed up a new irksome phrase. When GINA AND WOLFYtalking about nominating and game plans, the contestants of this year’s house keep using the phrase “tactful”. IE they say stuff like “oh my god, they are clearly nominating tactfully”. What they MEAN to say is “TACTICALLY”. There is a difference between the two terms. If I were to nominate tactic-ally, which is what they mean to say, I would be selecting carefully who I was putting up for eviction in order to play the game. If I were to nominate tact-fully I would be nominating in a way that wouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings. I would say “Wolfy is slightly unappealing” rather than “Wolfy is a tremendously hideous beast”.

English lesson over!

This week is summed up by a twin who says “it’s all shits and gigs, innit. I’m not sure which twin says it but I don’t care as they are the same entity in my eyes. Wolfy floats around the garden talking to small troglodytes. No, not Dexter, the local insects. Apparently they communicate with her and advise her on things like who to put up for EVICTION (not NOMINATION). She is of course lying and doing it purely for attention. She can’t communicate with shit.

TWIN AND SAMNominations take place for the week. Notable noms (NNs) are Daley’s because he nominates Gina “because she talks about clothing brands”. C&A? Gina nominates Jemima but calls her Jeremiah (that well-known woman’s name). The twins have a very camp domestic in the treehouse about who they will nominate and then later take part in a bit of shimmying – it’s disgusting.

Dexter talks about his dark past (although I suspect his future will be darker). He says he had a gambling addition and had to go to Gambler’s Anonymous (yes, it exists). He says he had to attend G.A. but I think he meant to say G.A.Y. Then there’s a big conspiracy theory going around that Dexter has a secret twin with whom he keeps switching places with in and out of the house. This is because he wears glasses occasionally. It’s not true of course but Dexter loves it because it’s another storyline about him and he says “no I’m not a twin” with all the sincerity of a flaccid marrow.

Daley (who just shouldn’t be in there, why did he get past round 1 of auditions) is rapping. He’s shit. He then bangs on about his alleged “professional” boxing career. He talks about how he knew an olympic boxer (I doubt it). Apparently Hazel went out with said boxer and was going out with him when he killed himself. Charlie then asks if he killed himself BECAUSE he was going out with Hazel. Nice. This is an example of the difference between TACTIC and TACT. Although, who knows, Charlie may very well be being tactical here, but that makes her a cold-hearted bitch.

Dan is wearing the same Wedgwood china pattern jumper that Andy from Made In Chelsea wore in the last episode of MIC and which I ripped the piss out of in that blog review, and so don’t need to do so here.GAS

Dexter announces that he wants to use his time in the house to “de-asshole” himself but I fear that ship has sailed and is halfway to Cuba by now.

Jemima decides to tell Jackie that her daughter Charlie was out-of-order for making the comment about Hazel’s boyfriend killing himself. Jackie defends her daughter by telling Jemima that Charlie’s grandmother died whilst on top of her. I’m interested to know the context of that, but there we are. Jemima then screams at Jackie because her daughter died in front of her. The whole house clearly feel awful for about 3 seconds until someone asks Jemima to elaborate and it turns out that Jemima’s daughter is just, you know, like, not dead at all. She stopped breathing apparently. Now, this is awful, yes, but Jemima basically over-dramatizes it for effect and the row then turns into a competition about who has the best story which involves a family member dying in some capacity in their presence. There’s this dead grandmother Vs. dead daughter who isn’t actually dead argument which is beyond ludicrous, and Jemima begins speaking in such a high pitch that only coyotes in the foothills of Tibet can now hear her. Dan then gets involved and Jackie goes to bed, letting him fight the battle for her, because it’s literally ridiculous, and I don’t blame her.

PLASTIC TUBINGThe next day it is announced that the house has been infected. By STDs? Probably. But in this case, by fake zombies. For some reason 3 girls and 3 boys are selected to be kept in the comfort of the house while the others go off to quarantine, and I am disgusted to learn that Jackie is not chosen to stay in the house. Wolfy is though – shock. Selfish, fishmonger! Having said that, it’s a godsend really – I’d rather see Jackie in a backless nighty than Wolfy. Wolfy does pop to the diary room to express her hopes that they will all pass the zombie task and be given proper food. She romantically proclaims that she would love a “slab of pollock with chips and gravy” and that if she doesn’t stop thinking about it things will get sexual. I shudder with despair.

The quarantined housemates have to crawl through a plastic tube to get from quarantine to the garden for a breath of fresh air or a nice healthy smoke. It’s amazingly degrading. Jackie cries. Charlie, on the non-quarantine side of the house, comforts her through the bars of the prison Jackie is in. I still don’t know why she didn’t let her mother stay in the house. Instead, Charlie is left with Hazel on the good side, with fewer people around to stop her talking about dead boyfriends.

A twin declares that he is “wasting away”. I snort into my cup of tea.

KEY TASKCallum brushes Charlie’s hair as she lies between his open legs. Sounds sexual, but it’s just not. It’s more like watching “Gorillas In The Mist”.

The task is completed successfully, despite the quarantined housemates continually threatening to quit and then not doing it. In celebration, Gina steals a can of beer, and then is called to the diary room where she is asked to return it to the rest of the house. Her reaction is to ask for a lawyer. Sure, Gina, you just wait there while they fly Michael Jackson’s mother’s attorney over for you, yeah?

Jemima gets changed and asks that Sam doesn’t look. She actually wants him to but he really doesn’t. Like, REALLY! Sam has done what I predicted he’d do – on his first night, when the pickings were slim, he threw himself at Jemima for some physical attention. Then the likes of Hazel and Charlie came in, and now he won’t TALK to Jemima let alone touch her with a barge pole. You’d feel sorry for her if she hadn’t just played the dead daughter card when her daughter is in fact sitting in a bomb shelter in east London somewhere, having hidden herself away from any source of media lest she has to watch her mother embarrassing herself on Channel 5 nightly.

Wolfy is talking about her whorish 14-year-old lifestyle, back in the days when she was newly lesbian. Dan calls her on it, arguing that a 14-year-old wouldn’t be allowed to enter a lot of the bars and clubs she says she went to. Wolfy gets upset because he is questioning her story but she is really getting upset because she’s lying, and no-one actually cares about her lesbianic slutdom. I kind of want to hate Dan at times but just can’t because he’s too attractive and, although being a bit of a domineering gay, he is most of the time right on the money.HAZEL LOVES DAN

Jemima is evicted. No one cares.

The boys get given a slumber party where they can wear silken nightwear and paint their nails. Dexter explains how to apply a face mask because he is familiar with them (shock). Because of the Eastern air he has about him, he ends up just looking like a giant ladyboy. Dan shows a side of himself that makes him less attractive when he dances to “It’s Raining Men” and ponces about in his nightdress. However, Hazel keeps trying to get him to touch her inappropriately so he’s obviously doing something right.

There is a task that is won by Jackie, Gina and Wolfy, where they get to disappear off and watch the audition tapes of the rest of the housemates. They learn that Callum told the producers that he slept with a mother and daughter once and that he has had sex with over 200 people. Jackie loves it because she now has something on the man who is trying to bone her daughter. The two women (and Wolfy) decide to play a game with him and not tell him they watched his tape, so that they can catch him out. However, Wolfy takes him up to the treehouse and tells him that they watched the tape. WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU BEE-SPEAKING, FISH-CATCHING PHILISTINE? The result of this is that the plan against Callum is a total anticlimax. The only good thing about it is that he looks like a twat in light of the fact that he lied his way into the house and rather than shagging 200 women he has slept with a paltry 9. Wolfy’s ruining of this turns the 3 task winners against each other, so I’d say Big Brother’s work here is done.

– A

AUDITION TAPES

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