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So Big Brother has returned. And Emma Willis is the new Davina. Thank God really because if I was going to have to sit through another season and listen to Brian Dowling say “I love it” in response to every single answer a contestant gave him in their eviction interview, I would have had to employ someone to come into my house in the dead of night and smother me in my sleep.EMMA W

It’s always slightly stressful in the first week of BB because everyone in the house is desperately clamouring for the attention and the glory. And this year is no different of course, with all the housemates metaphorically treading over their dead grandmothers in order to get some air time.

There were 2 launch nights which was nice for the viewer as we weren’t faced with a barage of people to pre-judge all at once. We were able to make snap judgements about the first lot and then have a breather for 24 hours before doing it all over again with the second lot. Also it was fun to watch the ones who went in on the first night turn bitterly disappointed on night 2 when another ten people (or whatever) started marching through the doors. Of course, when this happened, the vocal volumes in the house went up higher as there were now double the amount of people to talk over and bitch about.

First in were the token set of twins. I would have happily dubbed them Tweedledee and Tweedledum but Glyn from BB 2006 beat me to it in an interview the other day and I am disappointed that I didn’t think of this first. But basically this is a pretty accurate description of them. They’re identical, just like SamAnda were from BB 2007. One of them is gay, the other is straight, but I don’t believe the one who says he’s straight. They’re harmless and young and naïve. But they’re also pretty dull. When they go in you’re all “ok they seem like they’re decent characters” but then everyone else comes in and you realise that the only interesting thing here is that they’re twins.

Then came the rest, in this vague order…

DUM AND DEESallie, who calls herself Sallie Axl. I think this is her porn name or her wrestling name or drag act name or something. Typical porn/wrestling/drag persona – she chooses to enter the house in tiny shorts, a top that doesn’t really conceal her breasts and a beanie hat which she mentioned 1200 times in her VT and is trying to suggest is “her thing”. She gets booed because she’s a loud, opinionated wannabe who teases us by declaring she might get it on with a girl. We don’t care Sallie Axl, it’s not shocking.

Then there’s the ACTUAL lesbian. She calls herself Wolfy, and I ask myself why any self-respecting lesbian would call themselves that. She is a fisherwoman and spends her time with wet, floppy fish (insert lesbian joke here). She is really quite horrid, overtly butch and enters the house barefoot; I have a sneaking suspicion she might win it, at which point I will need to excuse myself to go and scream into a pillow. I’m hoping she’ll be evicted soon though as I don’t like looking at her.

Next up, Dexter. Apparently he was once in a newspaper because he spent loads of money on a bottle of champagne. This is the one thing he’s “known” for and makes sure that he mentions it continually. He says that he is referred to by the media as “London’s playboy” but anyone who calls themselves this is most certainly NOT a playboy of any sort. I’m the media and I am referring to him as “London’s Twat”. I also suspect that the only time that the media has ever referred to him before now is on that one occasion with the champagne, and the only reason someone wrote about that was because he sent them the receipt and asked them to. He also wears blue trousers.

Jemima (not Puddle Duck) is next. She’s like 50 but dresses like she’s 20 and is a professional sugar mummy. Or she likes having sugar daddies. Does it really matter? No, because that’s not a profession. Basically she once went out with someone rich and has used that as a way to get on Big Brother. She enters the house and gets hammered and drapes herself all over Sam, the young horny boy who looks slightly like Harry Styles. It’s really quite horrendous as apparently Jemima has a child who will no doubt be watching. Sam is just over-excitable about being on TV and clearly wants a bit of touchy touchy, so he allows the (non-attractive) MILF to slur into his ear. It’s all very hideous to watch but will certainly be short-lived given that the following night will see actual young attractive women enter the house which will capture Sam’s attention and positively fuck off Jemima.HARRY S

Sophie and Callum are the last two to go in on night 1. She’s your standard chubby, bleach blonde, harmless, slightly slow dental nurse and he’s your token attractive straight man, who gives us all hope that there might be a bit of naughty naughty one night.

Of course there is also Michael who goes into the house as the big “secret” of the season. He’s an actor!!!!!! OMG. Just like the rest of them then? Only he’s paid and is told what to do. So the thing here is that he’s going to be fed instructions from Big Brother and the public, consequently causing misery in the house. It’s a very good little twist and he’s excellent at doing his job – but don’t get too attached because for some reason this brilliant ploy has, at the time I am writing this, already been revealed to the house. I’ll get to this shortly but basically he really pisses everyone off when he chooses to have everyone’s suitcases put through an industrial shredder so his own case can be saved. It’s all fake of course, but it’s great because Wolfy is left shoe-less, which serves her right for trying to attract attention by going in without appropriate footwear on.

Night 2 welcomes the token attractive gay, named Dan. I suspect the gay twin hopes he has a chance with him, but trust me he doesn’t. He’s an ex-cop and apparently worked on the Jimmy Savile case, Or he worked WITH Jimmy Savile, I wasn’t really listening.

There’s a posh mother/daughter team in the form of Jackie and Charlie Travers. Charlie apparently went off the rails a year ago and so her mother Jackie has clearly deciphered that the only way to sort her out is put her in the Big Brother house. Charlie immediately makes a play for Callum, who I’m sure is loathing the fact that her mother is watching them over the top of her glasses, like a judgemental governess at a prep-school disco.

Gina then enters. Apparently she’s the most spoiled girl in England, or the world, or just Hackney. But she has a face like a slapped ass, consequently ruling that money doesn’t buy you happiness. She’s all “mother gives me an allowance of ten grand a week, but it’s not enough”. Mother apparently has a deal going with the owner of the Ritz, who she pays to lock Gina away in the penthouse so she won’t live at the family home. Don’t blame her.

Lately there’s always a ridiculously hot Irish woman in BB. This year’s is Hazel. In she floats with the delicacy of Andrea Corr and the physique of a water goddess. Oh, then there’s Daley, who I am yet to hear speak. The most notable thing about him is that he once sat on a bus next to Tulisa Contostavlos’ dog-walker’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s paediatrician.

CHIPPERThe week pans out pretty much around the whole Michael thing. The public put dick-wad Dexter, abrasive Sallie and spoilt brat Gina up for eviction and Big Brother swings it so that it looks like Michael nominates them. Dexter is taken out of the running, however, when Michael is allowed to save the housemate with the least votes so far – shame. There’s a fabulous task where Michael has to play a game where he gives the housemates labels; you know like sexiest, funniest, most likely to be pushed down a flight of stairs. Once again, the public have allocated these labels but it is made to look to the rest of the house like Michael is doing it. Wolfy is crowned most unattractive and she gets upset about it, but I don’t know why because it’s true. When the label of most unhygienic is up for grabs, Jemima is sure to assert that she would be disgusted if she were given that title. Dan tells her to shut it and she calls him a backstabbing bitch when he leaves the room – despite the fact that he said it TO her face and she called him that BEHIND his back. It’s all moot because Wolfy is declared the most unhygienic. She runs off crying about it but what does she expect when she enters the house shoe-less, like Britney Spears in a Texaco garage toilet.

Wolfy then does the whole “I’m doing this for the public, I’m going to win it for all the shoeless lesbian fishermen out there”. She is unaware that the shoeless lesbian fisherman demographic are the ones who voted her unattractive and dirty and so she is consequently adding the label of “stupid” to her list of character traits.SALLIE

There’s the token BB racism warning – there’s always one, may as well get it over with now. Jemima says that she has only gone out with white guys and so naturally she is a racist dictator and Gina complains about it. In another row, Gina tries to steal Sallie’s beanie, which results in her being issued with a formal warning because beanie theft is inexcusable. I would have personally taken that stupid hat and chucked it over the perimeter fence. Sallie’s all up in everyone’s grill, Dexter cries like a dickhead and Charlie mistakes Gina for an escort.

The week culminates in the eviction of Sallie and the premature termination of the whole Michael thing, which I would have continued on for much much longer. Sallie is of course bitter and twisted that she is evicted first. She continues to declare that because it’s a vote to evict, she has been evicted. But if it had been a vote to save, she would have stayed. Can someone tweet me the logic behind that please? Sallie??? Michael is then released, after Big Brother announces he’s an actor, and comes to join Sallie in the interview area. She spends the whole time giving him evils and calling him fake. I don’t honestly think she has grasped that yes, he was being fake, because they were paying him to be! Poor, poor, simple Sallie.

Everyone then gets their suitcases back (turns out they weren’t shredded after all) and it would seem that all the intrigue of this season has been used up in one week. Let’s hope not…

– A

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