So, it’s the finale! What an enticing 11 weeks it’s been. And after a, frankly, lackluster performance in Spain last week, do Team Chelsea go out with a bang? Well, it’s no Millie slap-fest 2012, but it’s a corker.
Last week’s predictions: Richard tries to show Fran his underground shelter (RICHARD HAS BECOME POSITIVELY ASEXUAL SINCE KIMBERLEY TOOK HIS HEART AND CHUCKED IT TO THE WOLVES); Louise returns from Edinburgh but it’s revealed that she has actually been at the Scottish Institute for the Clinically Deranged (SHE’S BACK, BITCHES, AND ALTHOUGH NOT STATED, I SPY A PRESCRIPTION FOR SERTALINE IN HER POCKET); Lucy dresses as if she is Fanny Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility (YES. IT’S HOT); Proudlock and Francis decide to scout for women at the Harvey Nics running club (NO, THEIR RUNNING STORY HAS BEEN ABANDONNED BECAUSE IT’S SHIT); the trailer for next week makes you think that Ollie and Fran hook up but I predict that the end of the sentence “Fran and I…” will be “…are taking a life-drawing class together” (GOD, THIS STORY IS TENUOUS AND AWKWARD. READ ON TO LEARN MORE…) 2.5/5 – By this point, who cares what the score is; you’ve got my number bitches (and so has Spenny, but he still hasn’t texted me back)
St. Pancras station: this can only mean one thing. She’s ba-aaaaaaack. Yes, Louise hath returnêd from her Scots castle. Is her geography degree finally over? Yes! Did she at least get a 2:1? Who cares, her dad’s got millions in the bank. She’s tanned, because we all know how sunny Scotland is. I suspect she went on a post-grad jolly with some mates. Either way, she doesn’t have any luggage because someone is bringing all that down for her. I suspect that someone is Niall from One Direction, who is flying it down in his private jet. WARNING: There will be continual jokes about this in this blog post, so if youhaven’t a clue what I’m on about, I suggest you click here.
Andy is wearing a jumper in the style of the Wedgwood china that you’ll find in my Grandma’s breakfront.
Francis pops by with some sandwiches for Jamie at his office. He declares that Spencer and Lucy are cringe. Francis feels that Spenny throws the word “love” about too freely. He throws it about more than my friend Danny throws around sugar. Then he knocks over a chair and tries to push open a door that is meant to be pulled. I am left wondering why we never see him at his diamond mining office anymore. Has it gone under because he doesn’t know how to work doors?
It’s my friend, Jane Felstead. Yes Janey, you look fantastic! You’re on the champagne in the middle of the day and you are rocking that outfit. We find her amidst another odd Binky/Jane/Lucy get together. Lucy tells Mrs. F that she is now dating Spencer. Mrs. F doesn’t seem convinced. As if on cue, in walks Spenny, telling Janey that she looks marvelous. She tells him he’s full of shit. But no Jane, he’s not, you DO look marvelous. Ride the wave, sister. It turns out that Lucy and Spencer are not invited to Louise’s graduation drinks. Janey notes that Louise and Andy are well matched because they are both… but before she can finish the sentence Spucy finish it for her with the nouns “soft”, “wet” and “vanilla”. So in other words, Andy and Louise can be collectively described as a thawing ice cream.
Why does Millie still get to walk her old dog? No, not her mother, her ex-pooch Herbie. Don’t the owners get fucked off that she keeps coming back to them for parental rights? I can imagine these people lying face down on their living room floor out of view of the lounge window when they see Professor Green’s Ferrari pull up outside and Millie step out brandishing a dog lead. It’s a bit like she’s a Jehovah’s Witness. Anyway, she is dog walking with Rosie, Cheska and Fran. Rosie says Fran like this: “Frarrrrrrrrrrn”. The girls let the dogs occupy themselves with a bit of casual peacocking, while Rosie starts dissecting the fact that Louise is hell-bent on splitting up Spencer and Lucy. She stands there in her oversized dark floppy hat, like the Woman in Black in her bonnet, predicting doom for the relationships of Chelsea. Fair enough, really.
There’s a quick shot of a blonde woman in sunglasses, driving a convertible. I notice this shot is reused often to intercut between scenes. I think that’s Caggie in her car and that this is the producers’ way of sending us subliminal messages to remind us that the Queen of Chelsea is always keeping an eye on us. God save her.
At Louise’s drinks party, she and Andy try and both get through the door at the same time. She thanks Andy for the surprise party and then says through an insincere smile that she hates surprises. I bet you wouldn’t if Niall threw you one, you harpy! Mark-Francis sums up Louise’s geography degree in one fabulously patronizing statement: “now you don’t need to use a GPS, you can read a map”. Andy says that he is civil to Spencer these days, but not friends, because if you’re friends you “text, call, ba ba ba”. Louise states that she hates Lucy but that if Andy is going to be friends with her then so shall she. Then she shoots daggers at Andy. Niall-inspired daggers.
Spencer exits Lucy’s boudoir wearing Stevie’s boxers! That’s rank, no? If you stayed the night, fine, but put back on the boxers you arrived in. The only explanation is that he had a premature accident in them. Lucky Lucy. You can tell that Stevie is hating the fact that he had to stay up last night while Spencer shagged Lucy, listening to them through the paper-thin walls. I mean that must have been a looooooong 5 minutes, for all involved. The boys say the word “tackle” twice, which is two times too many, and then Stevie goes into the bathroom to shed a silent tear.
Oscar is with Ollie and Richard, awaiting the arrival of Fran and Cheska. He declares that normally, when flirting with a girl, he is the “smoothest fox around”. Oh Oscar, please no. Tension is in the air – Oscar fancies Fran, but she is acting coy like a young coquettish nun. What has happened? Ollie starts to say “Fran and I…” when my TV begins to play up. I think a pair of pigeons are trying to mate atop my satellite dish. The channel is scrambled. This can’t be happening! Swiftly, I log on to 4OD to watch the remainder of the episode. I sit through the fucking annoying adverts that you have to watch online as I cue up the point that Ollie is about to spill the beans. They must have shagged, surely. “Fran and I…had a kiss,” is the end of the sentence. It wasn’t worth the wait and I feel like joining those pigeons on my roof.
Lucy, who doesn’t like PDA, is exhibiting PDA with Spenny. But it’s ok because it’s against the backdrop of the dark, watery London aquarium. “Do you like sharks?” asks Spenny. Evidently, yes she does. He then tells her that Louise used to do really fucked up shit when they were together. She would delete his tweets! Disgusting! No wonder you felt the need to insert your P into the nearest bystanding V – she deserved it.
Andy goes to see Stevie, who is wearing snakes and ladders PJ bottoms, which I am loving. Andy is not happy. So last night, Louise went AWOL. Apparently she got into a car, sent by a friend, which took her to said friend’s house, out of London. And she stayed the night there. And to make it worse, said friend is one fifth of One Direction. To be fair on her, I’d go. But this is not the point. Stevie, who normally has a smirk plastered across his face, is serious. ”Louise Thompson, what are you doing?” he asks. Stevie, weren’t you listening? She’s doing Niall.
This is also the hot topic at dog yoga. Apparently Louise texted Rosie about her dirty night at Niall’s and Rosie asked the question on everyone’s lips: “did you pork him?” Rosie, I sincerely you will be attending finishing school this summer, you have gotten incorrigible.
Stevie is now mulling things over on his own. In walk Spucy, who come and sit in the exact same place they sat in when Spenny was wearing Stevie’s boxers. This seems to be a new little set-up that I hope will continue into season 6. It’s like Stevie is their couple’s counselor. Spucy pretend to be concerned about the Louise/Andy drama but really they love it. “She’s replaceable,” says Lucy. Ouch.
Urgh, Phoebe, Olivia and Proudlock are having drinks. I am tempted to fast-forward it but Francis is there too. The only thing we really achieve from this scene is a revelation that Francis is a DJ (natch) and Phoebe tries to make the term “maybs” happen. It’s no “natch”, Pheebs. Also Tara is mentioned but we really have forgotten about her now, so whatever.
Andy is at a sad, sad bar, knocking back some whiskey. Louise walks in with the word “Niall” written on her forehead in blood. She bites at her fingers while Andy asks her what songs Niall played her on his guitar from the One Direction back-catalogue. She then acts like a dick, insisting that this kind of behavior would never bother her if the tables were turned. Louise, I suggest you purchase the MIC season 5 boxset when it’s released and watch back what went on between you and Spenny.
Jamie throws a party at his dad’s house. The scene is rife with the anticipation that his dad will walk in at any moment, but he doesn’t. I’m quite glad really – there was a moment when I feared THAT was going to be the cliffhanger for this season.
Millie is talking about staying in a Winnebago. Mark-Francis says “a what? A bagel?” Millie then voices her concerns about the accommodation standards at the festivals that she will be attending over the summer. Millie, you’ll have to get used to that scene if you plan on becoming Mrs. Professor Green. Binky then makes a reference to glamping and quickly shuts her mouth when she realizes that’s a TOWIE thing.
Phoebe and Jamie flirt but there isn’t a hot tub present so Jamie keeps it in his pants. It’s also a bit wrong because in the same interchange, Phoebe admits that she has sexual desires for Jamie’s omnipresent father.
Ollie and Fran seem to be giving it a go as they are tonguing in public. Cheska and Binky are baffled – aren’t we all.
Lucy asks Andy about the Louise sitch. “I don’t want to gloat,” she says, gloating. Louise enters the party and the awkward levels rise. She has a little cry because Rosie and Millie are disappointed with her. She then nips over to speak to Andy. Lucy calls her a slut and struts off. Andy tells Louise he is so upset because he loves her. She says she loves him too, but doesn’t look him in the eye when she says it. Also, people who love people don’t allow themselves to be seduced by members of One Direction. Actually, yeah, they probably do.
Spencer tells Lucy that he’s going to go and check on Louise. She is pissed. He says she’s ridiculous. She says she isn’t and disappears off to see if a blind Belgian nun will affix another doily to the front of her dress.
Spencer and Louise clear the air. They even call each other “hun” and have a bit of a cuddle. But what concerns me more is that Hot Alex can be seen in the background of this scene as what can only be described as an extra! Is this what he has been reduced to? Alex, you need to do something to get into season 6. Disappear for a dirty night with Niall, that’ll do it.
Rosie and Millie verbally deconstruct the last few moments of the season, whilst sipping champagne. They comment on the incestuous musical chair-like nature of the relationships around them. It’s all very poetic. Finally, Rosie dons her guise as the Mistress of Doom and sends us all into the summer months with an omen of goodwill and promising fortune – basically writing off all the relationships around her and promising us all that season 6 will be rife with the remnants of condemned love. Cheers!
*Thank you to all that have followed this season’s blog, to all that have publicized it and for all the very kind comments. My Apprentice blog is still going, there are others in the pipeline and of course I’ll be back for MIC season 6. In the meantime, keep an eye on Drew Drawls – even though the cameras have stopped rolling for a while on Team Chelsea, my insatiable cravings for satire won’t be taking a break any time soon…