Firstly, this week’s Apprentice blog is a double-whammy. Late Thursday night i posted the week 6 episode review about the team building task and today I’m posting on this week’s caravan task. We’re all up to date now kids. So do make sure you also check out last week’s by clicking here.

Last week’s predictions: The task will involve someone being beheaded at the Tower of London (YES, BUT ONLY METAPHORICALLY); Luisa and Francesca will somehow get covered in lime jelly and fight in a paddling pool (NO! INSTEAD THEY ARE REALLY CHUMMY THIS WEEK. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT, WE WANT BITCHING AND HATRED ON OUR TV SCREENS); caravans will somehow feature, which suggests a theme of either camping or working on the reformation of gypsies (CARAVANS AND CAMPING ARE INVOLVED, BUT SADLY NO-ONE INSTIGATES ANY GRABBING. NOT EVEN JORDAN OR NEIL) I’m going to say 2/3

The Apprentice: Season 9; Episode 7


The teams arrive at the Tower of London, with overnight bags. In Jason’s is his massive teddy bear. That’s not a euphemism; he actually has a massive teddy bear. Jordan and Neil are winding Alex up about what they’re going to do to him at The Tower. Apparently it’s legal to behead a Welsh man there before 9AM. Sadly, they get there at 9:01.

Speculation has been rife as to why they are at one of the most famous execution sites in the world. Luisa thinks it’s a tourism task. Makes sense. Francesca wonders if it could be a task dealing with jewels. Good thinking. Finally it is revealed that the task is about caravanning, which is actually the first pastime that springs to mind when you think “Tower of London”. No? Lord Sugar lords it up in front of the teams like a miniature Henry VIII and sends them all off to decide on who will be the PMs. Neil is allocated the PM on one team (dear God), while the other team loiter NAT IN BOATaround on the spot that Anne Boleyn was sent to her death, deciding whether Alex should be in charge or if it should be Kurt. The thing is, Kurt brags, he has caravanning experience. THERE’S a reason to fire him there and then, surely. Nonetheless, he is made PM, much to the chagrin of Alex, whose eyebrows get narrower and closer together each week – leading me to suspect that he draws them on.

Myles announces that he hates caravans, which makes me love him even more. He HAS to win this show, damn it! In the other car, Alex and Kurt do some high-speed market research up the M40.

The teams are split into halves. While Neil, Jason, Alex and Kurt go to the motorhome exhibition (it doesn’t get much more exciting than this!) the others go and check out the products that they have to bid on to sell. Luisa wows us with her intelligence when she asks the age-old question: “do you have plugs on a campsite?” Yeah, Luisa, they’re in the trunks of trees. Referring to some kind of camping accessory, Jordan says, “if I had one of these, I’d play with it all the time”. Luisa hopes he’s talking about her, but he’s not.

On the opposing team, Myles is busy sucking ass. He is all tits and teeth as he tries to singlehandedly schmooze the manufacturers of the camping products that they are browsing. Dr Leah doesn’t crack a smile and Natalie becomes obsessed with getting a discount. The manufacturers are all nasty bitches except the one called Mark. Myles tells him he loves his box.

Nick needs to be excused because he feels nauseated. He goes off for a quick purge.PURGING

Neil and Jason are looking at motorhomes and Neil is getting irritable. He disappears off to do a piece to camera where he calls Jason a big girl’s blouse. Whilst true that Jason has probably been selected for the show because he’s away with the fairies, Neil doesn’t realize that he was selected because he’s a twat. When the sub-team call Neil to tell him they’re going to bid to sell an electric bike, Jason comments that it’s not what he would have chosen. “It’s done now!” snaps Neil. Wow, table for one at the Bitch Brunch!!!

Much to MY chagrin, Neil’s team wins the bidding and the manufacturers choose them to represent them at the camping exhibition. They will be selling electric bikes and children’s camping sets, both of which are literally the worst products on Earth. Nevertheless, Myles is annoyed that his team are stuck with a canopied chair and a small useless boat, and goes off to bitch about Leah’s moody demeanor. When Alex and Kurt hear that their team is stuck with the less desirable products, Alex cries. Like, literally, he is visibly holding back the tears. Thank goodness for his water-resistant eyebrows.


Finally, Neil’s team decides to sell a foldaway campervan (yes, it exists) at the exhibition and Kurt goes for a retro caravan that is aimed at the 30-45 age bracket. Has that research you did on the M40 taught you nothing, Kurt? The only people you saw driving caravans were the elderly and decrepit. God!

The next day, Kurt embitters Alex by choosing Myles to help him flog the retro caravan. Alex sits in a foldaway chair, legs pertly crossed, eyebrows significantly slanted, rotating his right foot in anger.

Across the exhibition, Luisa is asking a gentleman if he would like an electric bike. He looks at her over his half-moon spectacles, a la Dumbledore, and chuckles in her face. “No dear,” he says, “if I buy a bike, I want to be able to peddle it.” His condescension highlights how shit this product is, in spite of his aged arrogance.

A boring man wastes Myles time over at the retro-van. Luisa sells something and Jordan asks her what she’s doing that he’s not. Her response is “ohhhhh, I dunno, I’m just selling them, innit.” Jordan then uses the sentence “this would be a great present for a young boy.” I think we know where you’re going wrong, Jordan – you’re acting a bit paedophilic.

Alex and Natalie try doing a skit to pull in the punters. It repels them due to Alex’s lackluster flair for improvisational dramatics.

Jason and Neil are trying to flog the collapsible campervan. Jason is doing very well; he’s drawing the old dears in and buttering them up with his saucy sayings. Now, this is a lesson that Neil needs to learn: middle-aged and older women seem to be drawn to the more charismatic, charming, gaudy young man, who probably has no interest in touching them but for some reason attracts them. While Neil stands aggressively in the corner with all the charm of chav outside an inner-city KFC on a Monday lunchtime, Jason is luring his prey into his deflating apparatus. He instructs these patrons to “mount the steps, ascend them and come inside”. The deal-breaker is when he starts talking about slipping it in. Deal done! He sells a campervan. Neil stands in the corner bitching about how this doesn’t mean Jason is a good salesman at all. Good PM-ing you resentful bastard.JASON WHISPER

Things are not going well over at the retro-van. Kurt has all the selling enthusiasm of a sour grape. He decides that Dr Leah should come over and help with the selling, because she is “eye candy”. She nearly sells a van within about 4 minutes of getting there. Natalie is indignant that she was not asked to be a piece of meat. Can’t have it all, Nat.

Boardroom: Lord Sugar wastes no time in shattering Alex’s dreams by declaring that he has not yet been a PM because nobody trusts him. His eyebrows then slant down a further 23°. Kurt literally sits there looking like he is awaiting the Führer’s orders at Auschwitz. Needless to say, his team loose, given that they sold about £100 worth of stuff and the opposing team managed to shift like £300,000 worth or something like that. Off the winners trot with a spring in their step for their trip to the velodrome; but not before Lord S calls a reluctant Jason back to the boardroom. Not to fire him, but to PRAISE him. Suck on THAT Neil. Jason bows to Lord S like a bashful geisha and disappears back through the door.GEISHA

At the velodrome, neither Neil nor Jordan are knocked off their bikes. It displeases me.

Back with Lord Sugar, Myles goes down several notches in my estimation when he declares that he is the Jedi knight of sales. No, Myles, no, no, no, no, NO!! Not only does this make you sound like a prick, but also it suggests that you are a geek and takes away about 37% of your sexual magnetism. Don’t ever say that again!

Alex digs himself a massive ditch by trying to insist that the retro van for people who have barely reached their sexual peaks was the right thing to try and sell to the aged camper. Lord Sugar forces him to slant his eyebrows a further 4° when he points out that Alex’s personal opinion A) doesn’t matter and B) is shit.

Nick extracts his shit stirrer and tells Dr Leah that Kurt only wanted her on the retro sales team, as she is eye candy. Leah looks smugly unimpressed, Kurt trips over his words and Natalie gets offended because SHE wanted to be eye candy.

MISERABLE KURTMyles and Dr Leah are let off the hook and Kurt brings back Alex and Natalie. Apparently this is tactical, given that Lord Sugar told Natalie that if she is ever brought back into a firing line again, she will definitely be the casualty. However, she beats Kurt at his own game by tactically explaining that he is being tactical and therefore laying out her own set of tactically tactical tactics. Then, like last time she was up for elimination, she pretends to cry. However, neither of these tactical moves work out, as Lord S sacks both of their asses, and Alex is saved on the basis that he makes tombstones for the Royal family for a living.

Next week’s predictions: There’s some sort of tiff about altering the PM position half-way through a task, and my bet is that it’s between Luisa and Francesca; Alex will be made PM on the other team to prove himself; he won’t prove himself at all, and will instead end up on a Virgin train back to Wales; the dating site task will see Dr Leah’s role as eye candy resurrected; there’ll be a casting session with models which will get the contestants all giddy; Neil and Jordan will attempt to actually come away from the task with dates, but will fail because they are heinous.

– A


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