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SPEXCLUSIVE NEWS: So I’ll start with the progress I have made since making Spencer Matthew’s acquaintance last Friday. Oh wait, there IS no progress. Our boi Spenny seems to be ignoring me. Am I publically humiliated and embarrassed in front of you all about this? To be honest, no. I did wonder whether he had fake-numbered me but alas my phone suggests Facebook friends based on the contacts in my phone book, and one of these is indeed Spencer George Matthews. Spenny, I could bandy your number about to the world, I could pester you on Facebook, I could become anIMAG0913_1 irritant, like mildew or chlamydia. But no, I am being good. TEXT ME BACK, all I want is a Twitter mention now and again, be-atch!

Last week’s predictions: Spencer won’t pick Jamie up from the airport like he literally just said he would (INDEED HE DIDN’T, HE WAS JUST SUNBATHING LIKE A COMMON GARTER SNAKE); Jamie will be allowed into another hot tub, which is always the kiss of death (YEAH BUT HE JUST SORT OF PLAYS PIGGYBACK IN THERE WHICH, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, ISN’T A SEXUAL POSITION); Alex will take his shirt off (YES. THE END); Spencer will strut around his villa in linen menswear as if he is Vito Corleone from The Godfather (RATHER THAN LINEN IT’S A SHIRT WITH SEVERAL BUTTONS UNDONE, A LA SIMON COWELL); the holiday will basically be the most wonderfully awkward trip since Ollie, Cheska, Binky, and Gabriella gate-crashed Richard and Kimberley’s romantic Italian break in season 3 (IT’S AWKWARD BUT DOES NOT BEAT THE KIMBERLEY ITALY TRIP. IN FACT IT DOESN’T COME CLOSE, AND THEY’RE BACK IN CHELSEA BY THE MID-WAY POINT OF THE EPISODE. PHOEBE, OLIVIA AND LUCY DON’T EVEN HAVE A TOPLESS CAT FIGHT IN THE POOL WITH JAMIE SPLASHING THEM WITH SANGRIA. OPPORTUNITY WASTED) Let’s say 4/5 for this one, given that the hot tub didn’t involve any tonguing and no-one used the phrase “it’s called dessert and it’s sucking Richard’s face”.

MIC: Season 5; Episode 10 (note: this week’s blog was written from my desk which has an obscured view of my TV, hence the botanical obstructions; it also makes it look like I was spying on the cast through a bush, which I quite like the idea of if I’m honest)

IMAG0915_1_1It’s Barcelona baby! Lucy and Alex pull up to the villa just as Olivia and Phoebe are going to nab the best rooms in it. Bitches! Lucy does this fabulous “whatever” shrug as she struts past them, not wearing any bottoms. There is an insincere interchange between Alex and Spenny where Spenny says it’s a pleasure to have Alex on the trip and Alex says how grateful he is to be invited. Of course you’re grateful Alex, you are on a Made In Chelsea holiday! It’s like someone has put you on a bus to Vegas! It transpires that Lucy and Alex aren’t going to share a room, which means they are yet to make the beast of two backs. Apparently Spenny has put notes on all the bedroom doors, suggesting where people sleep. I went on a weekend away where the hostess did that, and I had to sleep in a windowless child’s room the size of a coffin. Everyone starts sort of swimming and sunbathing in silence. Spenny brings Alex and Lucy a drink and asks them if this is their first trip away together. Er, yeah Spence, they’ve been dating for like, literally, 14 hours. Alex, with all the tact of a stone buttress, says to Spenny and Lucy “it seems that you guys have a bit of underlying tension going on”. Spenny tells them to enjoy their drinks in the kind of tone that implies one of them is laced with anthrax.

In a Chelsea park, Proudlock and Francis are embarrassing themselves by contorting their half-naked bodies and wedging their lower angras up their central chakras. Proudlock does this sort of thing because he thinks he looks cool but he just looks like a tit.

On the Spanish coast, Alex and Phoebe are having a romantic fishy lunch. Why is Lucy allowing this? Alex refers to IMAG0919_1_1them as friends and Phoebe says “friends?” Yes Phoebe, friends, because Alex cheated on you and doesn’t want to touch you anymore. Not with a barge pole, not with any sort of pole. That night, the group go to a hotel bar and Lucy surreptitiously slips away to stand alone on a starlit balcony. Spenny of course jumps on this opportunity to manipulate Lucy – “I haven’t felt like this for anyone” he says to her, adding the words “in a long time” to the end of the sentence, consequently taking all of the specialness out of it. There is also a terrible edit here where Lucy is seen wearing Spencer’s jacket over her shoulders BEFORE he actually offers it to her. Come on MIC, these are the mistakes that will make people think you didn’t deserve that BAFTA!

At the Harrods running club (how do I join???!??!) there’s a girl called Bee who basically looks like a female version of Proudlock. So basically, she looks JUST like Proudlock. He then runs side-by-side with her and decides he should strike up this heinously awkward interchange where he says stuff like “normally I run alone because no-one can keep up with me”. Proudlock, this is the Harrods running club, not the Epsom Derby when Emily Davison threw herself in-front of a horse in 1913. Francis turns up when the run has finished wearing a headband and attempts to hit on Bee as well. It turns out she’s a Barbados-going, polo-playing, singer – aren’t we all, love.

Alex has ditched Phoebe and is now on a seaside walk with Lucy who tells him she loves hanging out with him…as friends. Ouch. He covers this up by saying “I’m glad you said that actually, because I feel the same”. Yeah, Al, course you do!

IMAG0922_1_1_1Binky takes Fran on a weird night out and lines up Richard, Ollie and Oscar in front of her like slabs of beef at a butcher. Poor Fran, its hardly a great choice for her given that Richard looks like he has been underground for the last few months (which it turns out he has), Oscar is Oscar, and Ollie will no doubt use Fran as yet another excuse not to seek out some penis action. Richard says that he has been “tucked up away, working on my thing”. That’s disgusting Richard! It turns out he is busy burying a shipping container at the moment. Presumably so he can kidnap foreign exchange students and store them where no one can hear them scream. Fran asks Oscar who his favourite playwright is and he says “Jesus”. Well, who DOESN’T have “Jesus: The Complete Works” on their bookshelf. I know I do! They ask Fran what hobbies she has, to which she replies “oh, the pressure”. Just say you like needlepoint Fran, and get the hell out of there. This scene is a sad-but-true reflection of today’s dating world. Don’t allow yourself to be set up in a forced atmosphere by a mutual friend. Just get wasted at home on Sainsbury’s dark rum, hop onto a train and sleep with the nearest stranger in the first class carriage.

Back in Spain, Alex and Spenny have The Chat. No, they’re not going to adopt a Himalayan child together; Alex is withdrawing his hat from Lucy’s ring. He then says he’s enjoying the sunshine, even though it’s nighttime. Lucy then joins them and dismisses Alex like she is Queen Elizabeth I and he is Nicholas Throckmorton. She and Spenny then decide to give it a go. Spenny looks genuinely happy and sweet here, and if he had texted me back by now I would say that he is in fact a genuine guy. But he hasn’t so clearly he’s not. Across the way, Jamie and Phoebe are in the hot tub, flirting. I am not even going to try and sarcastically talk about this, it’s boring. He has a girlfriend, blah blah blah. She is stuck at band camp, blah blah blah. Phoebe is a whore, blahhhhhhhh. Jamie is a child, blahhhh blahhhh blahhhhh. The hot tub thing has been DONE, we don’t care anymore. Move it to a sauna next time!

At Proudlock’s studio (rolls eyes), Rosie comes in to pick up some T-Shirts – presumably because her dishwasher hasIMAG0932_2 exploded and she needs them to stuff under the kitchen unit to stop the leakage. Proudlock calls her “Rosé” which is much nicer than her actual name. She makes a joke about spanking in the office – this girl really needs to get laid. Proudlock goes downstairs to retrieve the T-Shirts because they’ve been packed away in the basement, ready to be shipped to the furnace at Battersea Power Station.

Having left Spain, Lucy and Binky “accidentally” refer to Phoebe as “Freebie” which is a much better name for her. Lucy tells Binky that she and Spenny are now officially together. Binky, quite aptly, says “fuck”. Jamie pops by to tell Lucy that it’s all a giant mistake. Though true, that’s way harsh Jay-Jay.

Fran is telling Olivia about her set-up with Richard. Olivia, delivering her one line of the episode, says they should go for it. Fran thinks that she is only saying that because Richard looks like Olivia. This is weird given that they are sisters, but we won’t go there.

Spencer and Lucy are picnicking – it’s all very Austen.

It’s time for a night out. Mark-Francis greets Olivia and Phoebe at the club and very nearly kisses Olivia ON THE MOUTH. That would have been the first bit of action I think Mark-Francis would have gotten on MIC – or ever. He tells Phoebe she looks great but then says that her done-up top button kills him, and that he just wants to open it. Surely, then, he’s saying that she looks shit. Which she does.

IMAG0934_1_1Andy walks over to Spencer and Lucy wearing, just, the most horrid stonewashed denim jacket. Like…just…I can’t even. He jokes that they should get a room. He’s not joking. Across the room, Alex and Jamie are laughing about the fact that they have both kissed Spencer’s girlfriend, Lucy. Yeah it’s funny, but it doesn’t change the fact that Alex, she dumped you in Spain, and Jamie you are unable to love.

Lucy is freaking out a bit because everyone is telling her to watch out for Spencer because he can’t control himself around women and their Vs. This is true, but I think Lucy can handle this given that, if he cheats, she will surely cut off his P.

Francis is having drinks with Bee. Proudlock is late and so Francis seizes the opportunity to bring attention to the fact that Proudlock wears an earring. It’s a low blow, but a fair point. Bee says she thinks Proudlock is chiseled and then licks her lips. What a whore. She then announces that her biggest fear is…wait for it…burglars. You are such a rich bitch Bee. Francis makes her feel better by telling her about the rise in organized mafia crime in London. In walks Proudlock, who just bores me to tears. He starts straight on about how Francis was late for the Harrods run the other day because he can’t hack it. Yeah whatever Proudlock, you are just so fit and masculine and healthy and great. Take that earring out, change those leopard-print glasses, grow some stubble, stop designing T-Shirts and try doing something like Tough Mudder, rather than the Harrods friggin’ poncey running club.IMAG0935_1 Jeeeeeeeesus. The boys then fight for Bee’s attention and then ask her which one she fancies and so she chooses, quite understandably, to leave. The nail in the coffin is that Francis points at her in the style of the Fonz. To give Francis and Proudlock a morsel of credit, it’s Bee’s own fault for inviting them on a date TOGETHER.

OMG amazing, another bitch-off between Freebie and Lucy. This one’s pretty tame actually. They are kind of nice to each other. There’s a lot of “hats off to you” and “well played”. What this is, boys and girls, is two dominant squaws comparing bitch-notes, back-handedly insulting one another but actually deciding that this could lead to a budding future in male manipulation and world conquering.

Awkward alert: Spenny confronts Jamie about warning Lucy off him. Now, with this, I see Jamie’s point, but why would anyone listen to him when he can’t get into a foreign hot tub without mounting someone or something; such as Lucy, Phoebe, a giant inflatable duck…

Next week’s predictions: Richard tries to show Fran his underground shelter; Louise returns from Edinburgh but it’s revealed that she has actually been at the Scottish Institute for the Clinically Deranged; Lucy dresses as if she is Fanny Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility; Proudlock and Francis decide to scout for women at the Harvey Nics running club; the trailer for next week makes you think that Ollie and Fran hook up but I predict that the end of the sentence “Fran and I…” will be “…are taking a life-drawing class together”.

– – A

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