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You might notice the photographs that I am decorating this week’s blog post with feature myself (nothing unusual there) and members of the MIC cast (nothing unusual there, either). But hang on a second, i hear you cry, is that Andrew Bullock WITH some of the MIC cast??! Yes, sweet Madeline, it is!

So on Friday I went to Hugo Taylor’s birthday party in Mayfair. The invite came about because of this very blog whIMG-20130602-WA0012ich you dedicated readers have helped publicise so well. My first special encounter was with Josh, in the toilets. Does that sound weird? Yes. Do I care? No, no, no. Josh then quite possibly fake-numbered me, there was a blurry moment when I don’t really know what happened (if this was the case, some poor unsuspecting person was receiving texts from me that night talking about how we met in the loo). Nevertheless, I then found myself at Hugo’s table with him pouring Grey Goose down my throat!  The next thing I know I am standing on a table with Hugo’s brother, my friends Squirrel, Jon and David, Josh, Hugo and Spenny, dancing to Kanye West.

My mission was to crack Spenny. I got myself over to him for a little one-on-one, during which we both drunkenly shouted in each other’s ears. Some girl tapped me on the shoulder mid-way through this and asked if she could have a picture with me, assuming Spenny and I were BFFs (which of course we now are). Spenny tried to follow me on Twitter but the WiFi in the club was shit, so instead we swapped numbers. I noticed as he did this that Lucy Watson was the last number dialled. Why wasn’t she there, damn it?

He surprised me – he is smaller and nicer in real life than he seems on TV; so Spenny, if you’re reading this, how’s about that exclusive interview we discussed whilst we stood on top of that weak, plastic table with girls in miniskirts clawing at our ankles? Drew Drawls fans – you tweet him, I’ll text him, and maybe we’ll get a Spenny exclusive. A Spexclusive! Caggie, your help here would be appreciated…

Anyway, awesome night, top blokes, my friend lost her phone, keys, debit card and missed her 11am horse riding session on Cardiff beach the next morning, but meh, we partied with the MIC kids.

IMG-20130601-WA0015Last week’s predictions: The joke will be back on Josh because, despite thinking he is able to be smug, the Phoebe/Hot Alex drama will escalate and in turn make him look even more ineffectual than he has been already (WHILST THE PHOEBE/ALEX SITCH HAS BECOME A PLOT LINE, JOSH THROWS A CURVEBALL AT US THIS WEEK BY GETTING HIMSELF SOME OLLIE/ASHLEY ACTION. THIS BOY DOES LIKE HIS LOVE TRIANGLES); Hot Alex will disappoint the nation by being a bad kisser (YEAH IT’S A SLOPPY EFFORT); Spencer will attempt to gain more attention by “disappearing from Chelsea” for a while – I predict he’ll be back by the end of part one (HALF A POINT – HE DISAPPEARS BUT ACTUALLY MANAGES TO STAY AWAY UNTIL THE VERY LAST SCENE OF THE EPISODE); the claws will come out at the masquerade ball, most notably between Phoebe and Binky (YES, AND ONCE AGAIN, IT’S BRILLIANT. MOST BITCH-TIFFS THIS SEASON HAVE FEATURED PHOEBE, AND I HAVE TO SAY, HER NASTINESS IS LENDING ITSELF WELL TO THE SHOW DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS IN ACTUAL FACT THE REINCARNATION OF PURE BLONDE EVIL); Phoebe’s mask at the ball will look like one of those lint trap filters that you find in tumble dryers (YEAH – IT’S HORREND) 4/5 – and without any foreknowledge from my new Chelsea mates!

MIC: Season 5; Episode 9

Francis Boulle is playing boules! Coincidence??? He’s doing it with Prudders and Jamie, on the gravel, in a park. Where I come from, boules is played on grass! Like other activities like croquet or making love in public. In a severe twist of fate, it’s not Prudders who is wearing something truly heinous today, it’s Jamie. And it out-heinouses possibly anything that you might find in Prudders’ closet – it’s a sort of silken leopard print top. And wait, it gets worse. It’s SLEEVLESS. Now I’m certainly not the most butch man on the planet, but when did it become acceptable to play boules in a sleeveless animal print shirt when you have a penis?

Stevie is in his living room attempting to conceal the fact that he is obsessed with Lucy. Lucy then flits through in her peach lingerie to retrieve the iron. Once retrieved, she leans against the doorframe swinging it by its power lead, like Lara Croft in a branch of Robert Dyas. It’s hot. Stevie is cemented to his armchair, unable to stand up because he’s crippled by unrequited love and his giant erection.IMG-20130602-WA0009

Lou-wheeeeeeeeeze is banging on once more about how happy she is. The thing is, she says it whilst frowning and not looking her companions – Binky and Rosie – in the eye. What’s more irritating, I find, is the way she says “happy”. She is so posh that she says it like this: “heyapeeaay”. Once noticed, I can’t seem to get away from this vocal inflection of hers. In reference to her peers, she calls them “Luiceey”, “Andea” and “Steviey” and when Binky says something Louise finds unbelievable, she says “no weayy”. Rosie then says “it’s rare to find someone who hasn’t fucked one of your friends”. Vulgar, Rosie! Filthy and VULGAR!

The 3 witches are sitting around like the cast of “The First Wives Club”. Phoebe is BITTER! She is furious that Hot Alex is entertaining the notion of tonguing Lucy, but she’s trying not to show it by being passive aggressive. She’s spouting bollocks, saying that at the housewarming Alex clearly would have preferred to not be there with Lucy. She repeats multiple times that he still loves her and has told her this numerously. Apparently his feelings for her have grown into a kind of love that will always be there, and she doesn’t want that messed with. Now, Pheebs, what you don’t understand is that Alex cheated on you and therefore was not bothered. Second to this you are, what, 22 years old? In about 10 years the pair of you will have nothing to do with each other, you’ll be married to an 87 year old millionaire, living in St Barts, and Alex will still be shagging west-end dancers in the back of Mahiki.

Proof of Alex’s indifference comes in the form of his and Lucy’s dog walk (an event she figured she needed to be wearing peach lingerie for). Lucy’s dog is trembling at the site of Alex, and Alex’s dog appears to be a stuffed animal on wheels. I enjoy Andy and Lucy’s interaction and I find this interchange even more arousing than when Cheska and Ollie were hula hooping.

At the tennis courts, Rosie looks as if she is auditioning for an open-air production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. Jamie says to her and Millie that it’s just like old times – them playing with one another. The nation rolls its eyes. Spencer comes up in conversation – apparently he has vanished off the face of the Earth because Lucy wIMG-20130601-WA0016as talking to another boy at her party. Rosie has no sympathy, and cranks the potty-mouth up another notch, declaring that “no one led Spencer with a lead to go and fuck someone else in Wheeze’s bed!” The nation winces at her candour. Mark-Francis rocks up with his cock(tail). He is not there for physical exercise, no, no, no! Jamie calls him “boi” and it just doesn’t work. MF invites them to his upcoming masquerade ball. Millie says she’ll check the diary. How DARE you Millie. No-one sniffs at an invitation from Mark-Francis, the Count of Fabulous.

Spenny texts Lucy “an essay”. It’s not an essay. I have written text-essays before (mostly apologising for my behaviour at social events) and Spenny’s text is not one. I wonder if Spenny will text ME back?

Stevie is pretending to find Lucy’s messiness at the flat irritating. But he loves it. We all know when she goes out he sneaks into her room and rolls around in the clothes that she has left scattered across the floor. We all know that he presses her pillow to his face to inhale her scent. We all know that when she gets out of the bath, he creeps into the bathroom and takes a sip of her dirty bathwater. We know what he did last summer, too.

Nasty Olivia and Delightful Fran are having a catch up with Josh, who tells them he has a date upcoming with Ashley. Josh gets the impression that Phoebe doesn’t like Ashley. Josh, I think it’s more that she just doesn’t care. The topic of Hot Alex comes up and Olivia kindly rubs Josh’s nose in the fact that Phoebe stills loves Alex and never loved Josh. Someone really needs to tell this bird to fuck off.

Phoebe and Alex meet up to discuss Lucy. Phoebe, piss off, it’s none of your business. She insists that she has always seen the best in Alex’s girlfriends (yeah, course you have sweetheart). However, she hates Lucy, she says. Then she says it wouldn’t annoy her if Alex and Lucy got together. What? I know Phoebe’s game – she is attempting to manipulate things by smiling a lot, not letting Alex get a word in edgeways and insisting that she doesn’t care about what happens with him and Lucy. SO WHY DID YOU GO TO MEET ALEX ON THAT BRIDGE TO TALK ABOUT IT THEN, YOU SILLY SILLY CAT!

IMG-20130602-WA0010Jamie goes to see Lucy (who is dressed like Margaret Thatcher when she ran for office in 1979) to admit that he in fact DOES remember the time they touched each other in the Jacuzzi in Verbier. Lucy just forgives him. Hang on, this was a subject of much drama a few weeks ago, which made Lucy look like a total bitch. Jamie has basically left it long enough so that no-one cares anymore to come clean about it. I might start doing this myself, it’s pretty clever actually.

Can I just ask WHERE his girlfriend, Claudia Winkleman, is??? Has someone killed her and dumped the body off the Holborn Viaduct?

Victoria dresses up in a flame-retardant mask for Mark-Francis. He comments that “black and white is always best for the sartorially challenged.”

Urgh, Oscar’s back. He and Ollie are at the same restaurant that Ashley and Josh are having their date. The last time Ollie and Ashley saw each other, he was telling her that he didn’t like looking at her V as much as he would perhaps like to look at a P. He tries to shake her hand, which she looks down her nose at. He then kisses her on the cheek, and she goes in for the double-kiss but fails, poor love. Ollie asks, with all the tact of a mongoose, if they are on a date. When they say yes, his response is “oh god”. Ashley then calls Ollie a “fucking, lying twat” and that he is clearly a big gay. Ollie responds in disbelief by saying “what???” like the homosexual uncle from Mrs Doubtfire. After a lot of screaming and shouting, Ollie and Oscar leave and Ashley apologises to a dumbstruck Josh, explaining that she’s an Aries. Josh looks as if he’d quite like to leave.

Phoebe is with Jamie and Francis, doing impressions of Lucy. Jamie and Francis think her first impression is better than her second one, but I beg to differ, because in her second impression she elongates the end of the sentence, which is the key to a successful imitation of Lucy Watson. It’s all in the strained vowels. For example, at the end of her date with Alex, she says “I enjoy your companyyyyyea”, and the result is that he tongues her.IMG-20130602-WA0011

The masquerade ball is very David-Bowie-music-video-meets-Phantom-of-the-Opera. Phoebe is hiding in the shadows with a lint trap on face. Rosie announces that she rather enjoys a phallic mask. Francis warns Josh that Ashley is a bit weird. For example, she stole his socks when it wasn’t a point in their relationship that she should be doing that yet. Ashley doesn’t enjoy a phallic mask because it reminds her of what Ollie truly covets.

Phoebe crawls out from behind a candelabrum to speak to Binky and Lucy. She tells them that she doesn’t want to be friends with them, so Lucy tells her to “genuinely fuck off”. Phoebe tries to do that thing where she smiles in order to shield herself against the fact that she has just been dissed, but it backfires because Lucy and Binky just laugh in her face, causing the edges of Phoebe’s false smile to begin to twitch. Then she walks off, telling them that they both look great. It’s the shittest attempt at being a bitch, ever. She then goes over to Jamie, who receives a call from SPENNY! OMG! He’s in Spain and he wants people to come and vay-cay with him. And make sure Lucy is there, he says. He puts Jamie in charge of the guest list and says he’ll see him at the airport. Jamie then goes around inviting the most ill-fated mixture of people he can think of Lucy, Phoebe and Alex. Bravo, Jamie, bravo!

Then there’s a weird shot of Spenny laughing!

Next week’s predictions: Spencer won’t pick Jamie up from the airport like he literally just said he would; Jamie will be allowed into another hot tub, which is always the kiss of death; Alex will take his shirt off; Spencer will strut around his villa in linen menswear as if he is Vito Corleone from The Godfather; the holiday will basically be the most wonderfully awkward trip since Ollie, Cheska, Binky, and Gabriella gate-crashed Richard and Kimberley’s romantic Italian break in season 3.

– – A

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One thought on “Made In Chelsea S5E9: “This is bisexuality darling, this is generally how it happens!”

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