Last week’s predictions: Lord Sugar will give his instructions to the team in the form of a floating head (YES. IT’S VERY X-MEN); Dr Leah will be caught buying pot in Dubai (DOES “A POT” COUNT? YEAH, WHY NOT!); Kurt will suggest that the bathrooms of the hotel they are going to be setting up have taps in them that release milkshakes (AREN’T I SILLY?); Luisa will mention at least seventeen times that she lead Team Evolve to victory for the first time last week(SURPRISINGLY NO. SHE’S GONE UP IN MY ESTIMATIONS SINCE SHE TWEETED ME LAST WEEK); Jordan will continue to act like he is a 16-year-old hanging about outside a South London donner kebab van on a Friday night (PRETTY MUCH, YEAH. AND HE WEARS GREEN TROUSERS); a man will be fired – preferably, Neil, Zee or Jordan, because I find them all loathsome (YES!!!!! AND I AM SO GLAD!) 4/6
The Apprentice S9E5:
It’s 4 in the morning and the dildo-phone rings. Luisa and Natalie are just getting in from a night on the tiles, lip-gloss smeared, as Jason goes to answer the phone dressed as Ebenezer Scrooge in a men’s’ nightshirt and cap. Jason is told that they will be flying to Dubai for the next challenge. How very “Sex and the City 2”. The girls immediately start deciding which bikinis to bring (why do they even have these in the Apprentice house?) Dr Leah hosts a quick Brazilian waxing party in the girls’ loo (Alex wants in, but they won’t let him). Someone makes a borderline racist remark about packing your camels and Zee announces that Dubai is his second home and so has the advantage. I immediately predict that this will be his downfall.
Myles and Luisa have a flirty flirty in the taxi to the airport. She says something about how Zee is a compulsive liar and chats a load of shit. She speaks the truth. Myles then says something like “let she who is without sin cast the first stone”. I don’t understand it, it’s biblical, but I think he’s basically calling Luisa a dirty birdy.
In Dubai, Lord Sugar, via satellite link-up (or perhaps just a pre-recorded DVD) tells the teams that their task is to acquire a list of random crap that’s needed for the opening of a new hotel. One team appoints Myles as PM. The other team has a bit of a spat about who should be their leader. Zee is the obvious choice, because of his “local knowledge”. The term “local knowledge” is chucked about during this episode like a whore chucks about crack. Zee insists he knows Dubai like the back of his hand, but rather than commanding respect he just sort of acts like someone who goes to the same resort in Marbella year after year. Dr Leah wants to be PM but no-one lets her. Little do the team realise, they are signing their own death warrant. Zee tries to command the table like a Persian apostle but in fact just comes across like Del Boy after he won the lottery.
The war is on; not between the two teams, but between Dr Leah and Zee, who are on the SAME team. She ignores his instructions to head to the markets, and instead takes the sub-team in the direction of the mall. He then calls her and asks her what the hell she’s playing at and asks her to hand the phone over to hateful Neil. God knows why, given that Neil is still referring to his A-Level business studies textbook and Dr Leah is a brain surgeon. Then there is a shot of their people-carrier doing a U-Turn on a high-speed intersection.
Meanwhile, the other team have indeed gone to the mall, and Jason has been asked to try on a moo-moo. Francesca is told by a shop keeper that under no circumstances will he negotiate prices. Then she gets him to lower the cost. You go girlfriend.
Cut to the river. Alex, Dr Leah and hateful Neil are seen on what looks like a Tudor Barge. They are standing on it, looking somber and haughty, as if they are taking part in a 15th Century river pageant. They’re all stressed because Zee wouldn’t let them go to the mall, where they could have got their ears pierced and eaten curly fries. Instead, they’re in the slums, making their way through the back street markets. Someone offers Alex fresh Viagra. He doesn’t need it, because he’s Welsh. It was at this point that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to hurl.
One of the items to acquire is a UAE flag, which needs to be a particular size. Both teams head to the same flag-maker (like a shoe-maker, only without the elves). Zee is wearing sunglasses indoors and I’m pretty sure his blazer is draped off the back of his shoulders, as if he is a Columbian drug lord. Myles’ team decide to sit around and wait for the flag to be made, which may seem like a stupid idea, but Zee’s team out-stupefies them when they give the flag-maker the measurements in inches instead of feet. Karren and Nick are both seen shaking their heads and Nick quite rightly points out that size matters.
Back at the mall, Jason is doing that horrendous thing that British people do when they talk to foreign people in full English sentences but with an Arabic accent, as if this will make them able to understand his native tongue. It’s cringe, but TV gold. Karren then does a piece to camera about how this sub-team are wasting time and I wonder how she got to the mall when about 3 seconds ago she was at the flag shop. Someone didn’t do their BBC safeguarding module on THAT production team.
Neil is now panicking at the sougs. He is saying things like “I’m in a very very rush”. He is also dressed like he is going to an under 16s disco. Zee is back in the car with Natalie and Kurt. All they spend the episode doing is sitting in the back of that people carrier, driving around Dubai’s perimeter interstate. Natalie’s eyeliner has smudged in the heat. Karren then does another piece to camera on what seems to be a dual-carriageway.
There is a lot of confusion over one of the items on the list: an “Oud”. Zee, of course, with his local knowledge, claims that it’s perfume in a wooden bottle or something ridiculous like that. What then ensues is a wild goose chase, which sees everyone looking for this odd, “Lord of the Rings”-style mystical vial of wooden liquid. It in fact transpires that Zee has got it wrong (shock?) and that he is thinking of an “Oudh” with an “H”. What Lord Sugar is actually in the market for is an “Oud” with no “H”, which is a sort of guitar (which of course every new hotel needs). Zee tries to argue that an “Oud” is definitely perfume, to which Alex says “it’s not, sunshine” and then declares that Zee “doesn’t know shit”. Can’t argue with that, really.
Myles’s sub-team, which consists of Jordan, Luisa and Jason, are wondering around the mall still, like a family in Westfields at half term. Myles, on the other hand, conducts his team with the steely cool of James Bond. I like Myles and suspect he will win the entire show (because his Twitter account is locked until July 2013, whilst all the other candidates have been tweeting like a bunch of horned canaries in a bushel).
Back in London, at the boardroom, Kurt looks very nervous, which I suspect he should do given that he can’t distinguish between inches and feet, and we all know that’s not a good thing for a man to mess up. Lord S takes the joke to a hilarious level when he says to Myles that Kurt would probably refer to him as “Kilometers”. Get it – Myles, Miles, Kilometers! That wit is what made him his billions, I swear! Jordan starts trying to defend the amount of time he spent flouncing aimlessly around the mall. He says something about 45 minutes in Dubai isn’t the same as 45 minutes on Greenwich Mean Time. WTF?
Zee immediately starts chatting bollocks to Lord S, which causes a lot of sideways glances from Dr Leah, who then quite rightly points out that he only managed to acquire 2 of the items from the list, despite all of his regional knowledge. Lord S tells Dr Leah that she should have carried on to the mall when Zee told her to go back to the soug, which I think is unfair given that she is supposed to do as she is told by the PM. Love Dr Leah, but her blusher looks as if it was applied by a blind Sicilian nun.
It is then established that Zee is a woman-hating, sexist, male-chauvinist pig with a gender identity crisis. He does a “talk to the hand” in Dr Leah’s face and she calls him a rude prick. Nick whips out Zee’s tiny flag and Lord S compares it to a napkin. The upshot is that Myles’ team win (course they do, Myles is my hero) and Zee wants to bring Natalie and Dr Leah back in for the final firing session. In case you missed it, that’s Natalie (a woman) and Dr Leah (a woman). Not Kurt, who can’t work to a metric scale and therefore lost them the task.
On re-entry to the boardroom, woman-slanderer Zee lets the door slam in Natalie’s face. His downfall is that by bringing in these two ladies, he looks like a moron. Natalie plays the delicate feminine card and starts to pretend to cry, while Dr Leah does the whole independent woman thing and just argues with everything Zee says. Eventually, the two of them just nag at him from either side and all Zee has to say for himself is that Lord S should keep him on because he was once employee of the month at Phones4U. Needless to say, Zee is fired. He ends the show by declaring that his name will go down in history. It won’t.
Next week’s predictions: The most out-for-themselves group of people in TV will be put in charge of team-building workshops; there will be lots of outdoor activities on football pitches at East London-based rec centres; Myles’ star will continue to rise as the Apprentice King; Jordan will break out another pair of ugly trousers; Dr Leah will petrol bomb the branch of Phones4U that Zee will have inevitably returned to work at.
– – A