Last week’s predictions: Wheeze will return to the open arms of Andy, with tales of woe about the ill-fated, much celebrated barn dance (ALTHOUGH NOT DISCUSSED AT LENGTH, THE NOW LEGENDARY BARN DANCE IS MENTIONED, AND IT IS IMPLIED IMPLICITLY THAT LOUISE CRIED EXPLCITLY); Andy’s open arms will start to close – with WheeGOLFze on the outside of them (NO – INSTEAD HE TELLS THE EVER-INCREASINLY UNSTABLE LOUISE THAT HE RUDDY LOVES HER); Spencer will start manipulating Lucy into thinking she is luring him away from meaningless sex with whores (HE TRIES BUT NO, NO. OUR LUCY IS TOO SAVVY FOR SPENNY); Dare I say it but Rosie and Stevie could possibly tongue (NO BUT I DO THINK ROSIE WANTS TO TONGUE HIM, SHE HAS THE SAME LOOK IN HER EYE THAT SHE HAD WHEN SHE WANTED TO TONGUE HUGO BACK IN SEASON 2); Gamie will cheat on Claudia Winkleman with P2 (NO ACTUAL ACTION BUT THERE’S A FLIRTY SCENE IN JAMIE’S OFFICE WHERE HE FIDDLES WITH HIS SHIRT SLEEVES); Millie will be awarded the title role in upcoming film “Macaroons In The Morning” (MILLIE AIN’T IN IT THIS WEEK. NOR IS OLLIE OR CHESKA. BAD E4! BAD BAD E4!) 1.5/6 – clearly I’ve gotten cock-sure after last week’s full marks. Yeah, full marks. Remember? Yeah!


At the driving range, Jamie and Spencer are comparing club sizes. The biggest revelation here is that these two reckon STEVIE FANCIES LUCY! OMG, now that’s a new little turn of events. This had never occurred to us and surely can’t be the case. They barely know each other for a start, and Stevie has never really done anything to make us think this…

Cut to Stevie and Lucy shopping for beds for their new flat!!!!! A LOOK PASSES BETWEEN THEM. Is it the electricity of a thousand burning suns of passion, or is it just good editing? Either way, these two are moving in together and I am slightly surprised. When were they ever that close? Is Stevie hoping to day-by-day turn this house into his and Lucy’s little love nest, surreptitiously placing framed pictures of the two of them in strategic locations, such as on the ceiling above her bed, hoping that she will subconsciously fall in love with him? Only time will tell…

CHESHIRE CATAndy and Louise are having breakfast smoothies. Louise is now as fruit-loopy as the blended boysenberries that she is trying to suck through her straw. They talk about the big fat greasy elephant in the room – Spencer; and the fact that he and she spoke at the barn dance. Louise claims that when Spencer spoke to her he had “this Cheshire-grin-cat-smile on his face”. You know the one (!) Andy says that Lucy and Stevie have been talking about it to him, and Louise says that he needs to “tell your friends to shut the fuck up…quite frankly”. She then swigs from her glass of water, and Andy does the same. It’s such a posh row, and would have been much more effective if they had then each taken a shot of tequila…and made out, roughly.

Later on, Spencer calls Andy from his car, looking a bit like a stalker/dogger/pervert. Apparently he wants to meet up with Andy to talk. Why??? Listen, if I dumped someone and didn’t care about the bloke they were now going out with, I would just let them get on with it. Why do you need to keep having “drinks” to iron things out, Spencer? Oh right, yeah, more airtime. Gotcha! Meanwhile, at the hairdresser, Lucy is bitching about Spencer and says “if he’s going to be getting with girls, two can play at that game!” OMG, is Lucy saying what I think she’s saying? She wants to visit the Isle of Lesbos?

Spencer and Jamie reveal to the world that between them they have the worst two pairs of legs ever. It’s never a good look when a man stands around in a shirt and tie on the top-half and nothing on the bottom half lest a pair of socks. But, of course, Jamie and VICTORIA RESTAURANTSpencer have to do this in public, at a tailors. Why, boys? Oh right, yeah, airtime. Luckily, Mark-Francis and Victoria are in the market for a bit of cashmere and they pop in, where they attempt to mask their horror at the sight that beholds them. Mark-Francis reveals he is wearing women’s tights and Victoria confirms that she does not have chest hair. And what is THIS? Victoria and Spencer had a bit of a snoggy snog back in the day. Oh, Matron!

At Louise’s new house, she and Andy are painting calmly, until Andy mentions that he and Spencer are meeting up later, at which point Louise begins rollering her paint brush against the wall so hard that she begins to rip away the wallpaper underneath. Rosie then lets herself in (fucking rude) and asks if the room they are painting is going to be the nursery. “I bloody hope not!” exclaims Louise. Us too, Louise, given that you are on the verge of being sectioned and no child needs to see that happen to their mother. The topic of Lucy and Stevie’s impending house party arises and Louise asks if they are living close. You know, because they are stalking her. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Lou-Wheeeeeeeeezzzzzzze!

At dinner, Victoria is recounting the traumatic moment when Spencer forced himself onto her, when she was experiencing the first buds of womanhood. We feel for you Victoria, no youngster should have to play “seven minutes in heaven” with THAT! She and Mark-Francis then bitch about him and Jamie, before saying they really like them. Course you do, guys. They then compare the sizes of their black boxes – Mark-Francis has one the size of a Boeing 747. AND a black box that size too!PROUDLOCK'S MOUTH

Spencer and Andy meet to “clear shit up” concerning Louise. Something tells me, however, that this will remain an unresolved issue for a long, long time. Kind of like the Loch Ness Monster or the Yeti. In this case, Spencer is the Yeti. The big, hairy, oleaginous Yeti. He says to Andy “if it’s appropriate, send my love to Louise”. It’s not, Spenny. Just STOP IT!

Proudlock is at work, pretending to be taking a telephone order for 300 shit T-shirts. He’s actually on the phone to the local council, asking if they will take some of his stock off his hands for free and pass them on to the homeless. He pops downstairs to Jamie’s office (who knew THAT was down there, I thought Jamie’s office was in McVities Towers) and stumbles upon Jamie and Phoebe having a bit of a flirty flirty. To lessen Jamie’s attractiveness, Proudlock draws the attention onto his tattoo of Peter Pan. Yeah, it’s still there; it wasn’t lazered off the second the tattoo parlour opened for business the day after he got it. Proudlock laughs at Jamie and his mouth looks like you could fit a 6-piece set of bread plates into it, with room left spare for a butter dish.

At Stevie and Lucy’s, Stevie tells Lucy that he “accidently” forgot to order a bed and therefore he will need to obviously sleep in hers with her tonight. Naked.

Louise and Andy are now skateboardLUCY'S DRESSing!!! NO! This pastime is only to be conducted by Francis, how DARE YOU do it, you two. Stop it, just STOP IT!!! Louise repeats seventeen times in the space of 4 seconds that she is “just so happy right now”. Keep telling yourself that, sugarlips.

Spencer calls Andy, behind his back of course, a “guitar playing twat”. When has Andy ever played a guitar?

Lucy is reading a text to Binky in a bar, in which she says to Andy that he is welcome to bring Louise to her housewarming party but that Louise must “keep control of the crazy”. Oh Lucy, that’s like trying to turn water into wine right now. Binky clocks some men, namely Hot Alex, who Lucy swishes her hair in the direction of. He then brushes past her with his penis at her eye-level. That’s a green light in Lucy’s book (and most people, I would imagine) so up she gets. After a bit of dress tightening she approaches Hot Alex and tells him that she is “so single it’s disgusting”. On closer inspection, Hot Alex lets himself down due to the fact that his hair appears to contain half a can of VO5 Volumizing mTHE PURGEousse.

Ad break! “The Purge” is advertised. How AWESOME does it look!!!?!?

Back to MIC: Lucy’s dad is in it!!!!! The Princess of Darkness has a King to overthrow and take the Throne of Darkness from!  And he owns a pub, innit. He is as comfortable on camera as I am when I try and pee at a urinal next to someone. Thankfully, he only has about 3 lines. Lucy and Stevie are hosting their housewarming at said pub (don’t ask me why, given that it’s a HOUSEwarming) and Stevie wants desperately for Mr Watson to like him. I can see it in his eyes. Like me, Mr Watson, LIKE ME! Let me shag your daughter!

Outside, Louise and Lucy have a “civil” chat, in order for Louise to prove to Lucy that she is able to “control the crazy”. Louise then says to Rosie and Binky for the twenty-four-hundredth time that she is just so happy and then starts talking about how everything’SKATEBOARDs been a whirlwind, at which point the girls begin to talk over her because they can’t listen to that shit any more.

Josh is back. He approaches Phoebe and gloats in her face about the fact that her relationship with Proudlock – which 2 weeks ago he was throwing the mother of all hissy fits about – is already over. He is smug and snide. He is smide! He thinks he has the upper hand but in actual fact, Josh, you are still alone, Phoebe hates you even more now, and, let’s face it, 2 weeks ago you acted like a giant queen.

Lucy now has Spencer wrapped around her tiny little finger. He is all “I can’t believe your dad bought my favourite pub” and she is all like “whatever…he didn’t buy it for you, you dickhead” and then she provides a metaphorical slap in the face when Hot Volumous Alex walks in, wearing a very butch fireman’s coat, and starts talking to her in that sexy Chelsea drawl of his. This is the epitome of Spencer tasting his own medicine. A fictitious nanny is literally straddling him right now, with a giant spoon, making sure every last droplet of medicine is going down that boy’s throat. And that is one bitter, bitter tasting medicine. Spenny has to leave, all pale and dry-mouthed. GOOD! He then goes to see Jamie to cry about it and Jamie asks if the guy Lucy was talking to is beautiful. WTF?

Back at the fake housewarming party, Andy (who is wearing a jack with orange elbow patches, an orange under-collar and looks like Admiral Horatio Nelson) tells Louise he has fallen in love with her. She doesn’t do badly, really, for someone who’s clinically insane.

HOT ALEXSo Hot Alex is Phoebe’s ex BF. OMG. She comes a-skippin’ in and jumps on him, which you can tell he doesn’t really like because he is no longer interested in Phoebe’s honeycomb nuggets when he can try some of Lucy’s mahogany silk. Then Phoebe is just really, really nasty. If you looked up the word “bitch” in the dictionary there would be a picture of Phoebe in her fur coat. Despite being in Lucy’s dad’s pub, at Lucy’s party, Phoebe calls the housewarming “boring”. Alex, who is like a deer in caught in the crossbeam of a large piece of farming machinery, starts rambling and muttering. Phoebe starts to very categorically list that she and Alex dated between the ages of 16-19 and that they went travelling together and Lucy is like “that’s great…I don’t care”. Phoebe is starting to come off looking like a psycho ex-girlfriend when Olivia floats over like the harpy of Astapor. Lovely, delightful, classy, ladylike Olivia. All this girl is good for is being a total, total cow to Lucy in regards to ex-boyfriends. She is basically bitter and jealous because the only love-story E4 gave her was one week where she texted Francis and he never replied. She comes over and says Lucy is “sloppy seconds” and then giggles with Phoebe as if they are bitchy pre-teens making fun of the girl at school who didn’t manage to get tickets to see One Direction. Lucy has the last laugh, however, when she chucks their asses out of her pub Peggy Mitchell-style!

Alex then says “oh, er, like yeah, that was a bit awkward, like, when you said ‘who invited you’, like…” Thanks for that Alex.

BITCHESNext week’s predictions: The joke will be back on Josh because, despite thinking he is able to be smug, the Phoebe/Hot Alex drama will escalate and in turn make him look even more ineffectual than he has been already (another tantrum perhaps?); Hot Alex will disappoint the nation by being a bad kisser, if the clip of next week is anything to go by – the word “wet” seems appropriate here; Spencer will attempt to gain more attention by “disappearing from Chelsea” for a while – I predict he’ll be back by the end of part one; the claws will come out at the masquerade ball, most notably between Phoebe and Binky which is social suicide for Phoebe as we all know that EVERYBODY loves Binky; Phoebe’s mask at the ball will look like one of those lint trap filters that you find in tumble dryers.

– – A


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