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JAM JARS Last week’s predictions: It’s farm shop week, so Luisa will do something naughty with an oversized marrow (NO, BUT SHE DOES BRANDISH A COUPLE OF RIPE BUTTERNUT SQUASHES); Jason will draw on his posh country roots and bump into some hunting acquaintances (NO, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE 1. THE SHOP IS SET UP IN, LIKE, CAMDEN & 2. POOR JASON IS TOLD TO SPEND ALL HIS TIME IN THE KITCHEN GRATING CHEESE ); someone will wear a tweed hat (NO, BUT THEY DO WEAR WELLINGTON BOOTS WITH POWER SUITS); the word “organic” will be overused and Neil will make an unfunny joke about the fact that “organic” sounds a bit like “orgasmic” (NO, BUT NEIL IS PM THIS WEEK SO HAS TO ACT LIKE A GROWN UP. THAT BEING SAID, BEING PM DOESN’T STOP HIM MOO-ING LIKE A COW); Zee will be fired because he is the worst business man on Earth (NO, AND IT’S A SHAME BECAUSE HE IS ON THE LOOSING TEAM AND COULD SO EASILY HAVE BEEN) Nil points, nada, zilch, fail! Oh dear!

The Apprentice S9E4:

5:20AM and, quelle surprise, Luisa is the first one down the stairs to answer the phone. I think it’s because this particular phone looks a bit like something you’d pick up at Ann Summers.

Off they go to a farm in Margate, where they traipse through various assortments of animal excrement in their high heels and Gucci loafers. Jason seems to be wearing his old Eton school uniform, complete with Harry Potter-esque scarf.  Lord S gives them their instructions from atop a slurry store. They are to open up a farm shop for the day and the teams are going to be cross-pollenated. Jordan and Luisa are delighted to be put on the same team. I don’t like Jordan, I really really do not.

Natalie, I notice, sort of chews on the inside of her mouth, as if she is trying to suck out a bit of left-over redcurrant preserve from her inner-cheek.

The whole thing is very twee – there are lots of shots of the teams walking off to their initial meetings amidst quick images of sunflowers and lettuces.

LETTUCELuisa wants to lead the team. But so does Rebecca. Luisa is voted PM. Poor Rebecca is just being beaten down week after week after week. Two weeks ago she cried. This week, she is refused a look-in for PM and later is sent to the kitchen to stir the soup with Jason. Jordan says “congratulations Lu” to Luisa. Keep it in your pants Jordan, for god’s sake.

On the other team, hateful Neil is voted PM. Alex suggests they specialise in cheese on toast. Silence. He then offers to dress up as a scarecrow for this project. Silence. He is then sent off to negotiate the cost of milk and tries to do some mental divination. Silence. He then goes off to milk a cow, which is the closest he’s ever been to a teat.

Meanwhile, Uzma, Kurt and Neil are being given a joyride on the back of a tractor, and Luisa is causing a drama on the phone to her sub-team about how many corn-on-the-cobs they should be buying to dress their shop. Francesca says that THIS is why their team always loses. Youuuuu bitch! Kurt (who in last week’s blog I called Kirk, oppsies) has become obsessed with the idea of selling milkshakes. Like, literally obsessed. It’s all he’s talking about. I am clearly missing something here, this is meant to be a farm shop, not a chain of Baskin Robbins.

The two competing shops are christened “Fruity Cow” (cringe) and “Buffalocal” (even more cringe). The latter is named this because they specialise in buffalo meat. So far, no one has turned up; probably because one doesn’t really have an urge for a buffalo burger at 10AM. Does one?

EGGSHELLSAt “Fruity Cow” – which is just SO not the kind of thing you should be calling a farm shop (I suggest “Plumbs & Bovine”), Alex is treading on eggshells – literally. He has dropped a load of eggs because he is a big, clumsy, welsh, Vampire, oaf. I’m not sure what he was doing up a ladder with them in the first place, but whatever. He is sent outside to act like a Town Crier but in turn just acts like a twat. Nonetheless, the milkshakes that Kurt was pushing on the team are selling like hotcakes. They are so successful that Kurt starts to get creative and blends apples with carrots and what looks like celery. I expect that they will be including a free pack of Imodium with these shakes from this point forward.

Back at “Buffalocal”, an obese man buys the entire store. Their soup and potatoes aren’t selling though so Dr Leah presents Myles with some “display potatoes” which he says he can’t use because they look appalling. To be fair, they do. They are just sort of soggy, flaccid, damp, sodden potatoes drizzled with tuna and beans. It transpires that Jason, in the kitchen, has never made food before because as a child he was privileged. His inability to stir soup and slice cheese frustrates Luisa. The term “trickless pony” is bandied about!

The end of the day sees both teams panic and start chucking all of their leftover stock into paper bags and just throwing them at passers-by, asking them to pay £2 for them. It’s likely that the recipient of one of these magic bags will get home and open it to discover a squelchy potato, a limp leek, some curdled milk and probably one of Francesca’s earrings.

Boardroom time, bitches! OMG we get a full-on view of Lord Sugar’s receptionist’s face this week. It’s not even a reflection in her turned-off computer screen either.CRATES

What I love about this week’s boardroom is that Jordan continually embarrasses himself and gets shot down by Lord S. When Lord S talks about the fact that Luisa’s team served buffalo, Jordan says that it was his idea and asks Lord S if he has ever tried it. Lord S says no. Jordan says “then maybe you should”. Lord S just looks blankly at him – with HATRED. When Luisa’s team wins, he decides that it’s appropriate to shout “Get In”. I mean, it’s just horrendous. Lord S quite accurately points out that they are not at a football match. I have personally never uttered the phrase “Get In” in my life, but it’s safe to assume that I would not pick a moment like this to insert this slogan into conversation. I may as well go to a job interview and shout “Swing It Sister” in my interviewer’s face.

At the Tramshed  (which is not a shanty for San Francisco buses, it’s actually a restaurant), the winners go and enjoy a slap up meal. Luisa is bitter because in the boardroom her team said she was a flawed PM (oh no you di-n’t) so she gets back at her team by pressing her breasts up against the Tramshed chef. Shameless plug: I have reviewed the Tramshed before, why not check it out here.

TRAMSHEDBack in the boardroom, Zee seems proud that they used apple juice in their milkshakes from CostCutter. My prayers are not answered as Neil choses to bring Uzma and Kurt back to see Lord S for the firing session. Neil is almost fired – you really think he will be. But no, it’s Uzma who is sent packing in a taxi, where she claims she will make millions and rub these millions in Lord Sugar’s smug little face. Neil hasn’t learnt anything from this week’s failure, as he returns to the house and cranks the arrogant levels up a notch. He needs to go. He and Zee need to be double-fired next week.

Predictions for next week: Lord Sugar will give his instructions to the team in the form of a floating head; Dr Leah will be caught buying pot in Dubai; Kurt will suggest that the bathrooms of the hotel they are going to be setting up have taps in them that release milkshakes; Luisa will mention at least seventeen times that she lead Team Evolve to victory for the first time last week; Jordan will continue to act like he is a 16-year-old hanging about outside a South London doner kebab van on a Friday night; a man will be fired – preferably, Neil, Zee or Jordan, because I find them all loathsome.

– – A

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