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Apologies to you special, special readers that this is being posted 24 hours later than usual. Specific apologies to my mate Caggie, who quite rightly asked me last night where the ruddy hell this week’s review had gotten to. I am ashamed of myself.

Ok, well we know this week’s episode is going to be a good’n because the quote that comes after the opening titles is Binky’s mother asking “Is he a fantastic lay?” Oh Mrs. Felstead, you are the crowning glory of MIC, you really, really are.

Last week’s predictions: Cheska and Binky seem to be communicating again (YES!!!!! APPARENTLY THEY ARE “BESTS” ONCE MORE. THIS STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL WENT ON THERE MRS BINKSBUT WHO CARES. WHO GOD-DAMN CARES! HALLELUJAH); Ollie comes out, at a barn dance (YES. WE LOVES IT); Wheeze will channel Heidi by wearing her hair in Nordic pigtails (YES, WHILST BOBBING FOR APPLES NO LESS); Spencer will ensnare Lucy only to shatter her expectations by admitting he is taking different girls to Paris (HE ISN’T SO MUCH “TAKING GIRLS TO PARIS” AS HE IS “TAKING THEM UP THE REAR”, BUT YEAH HE’S SHAGGING AROUND); P² will start to date properly and P1 will show P2 his collection of tiger-print shoe horns (THEY ARE SORT OF DATING, YES. AND INSTEAD OF SHOWING HER HIS SHOE HORN, HE TAKES HER TO SOME SHIT ART EXHIBITION FEATURING PICTURES OF HIS MOTHER. HOW HOT CAN YOU GET?); Josh will confront them at the pick’n’mix stand of an Odeon cinema, throw his fizzy cherries at them and run out sobbing (JOSH ISN’T IN IT BECAUSE HE CAN’T SHOW HIS FACE AFTER LAST WEEK’S HISSY FIT) Full marks I’d say!!! Full frickin’ marks!!!!

MIC: SEASON 5; EPISODE 7

LUCY MOUTHLucy and Stevie are scrutinizing Andy about his relationship with Lou(wheeze). Andy is wearing a jumper the colour of congealed sick. I also note that when he sips drinks from a straw his eyes expand. The upshot of this is that Wheeze is now his GF. OMGF. OMFG L is A’s GF. OMFGLAGFXYZ8910! Wouldn’t that be funny if this was someone’s driver’s license number? Wouldn’t it just be fucking hilarious!!!!???

In her token one scene (because they are phasing her out – it’s a crying shame), Millie is having some cheeky teacakes with the girls. “Oooh, macaroons in the morning,” says one of them in breathless pleasured tones. “Macaroons in the Morning” sounds like the title to the lost sequel to “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” if you ask me. Wheeze is talking about Spencer and Lucy. Observation: Wheeze is evil. She boldly states that she could step in and “fuck it up” for Spenny and Luce at the drop of a hat. She even clicks her fingers like a cast member of “Girlfriends”. Wheeze is gushing about Andy. Theory: Wheeze can’t not be in a relationship. She has decided, about three days into her fling with Andy, that they are just so incredibly blissfully happy and cannot live without one another. Millie asks, in her droll little way, “is he cheesy?” I love Millie! Rosie then takes an uncharacteristic conversational turn and asks if Andy thanks Wheeze after they have made sweet sweet sex. Oh, Rosie, you little whore.LUCY FOREHEAD

Jamie thinks that the word “Genius” begins with a “J”. Dear god, the future of digestive biscuits lies in this man’s hands. Proudlock is wearing a top with floral sleeves. Really, Proudlock, this kind of thing has to stop. It’s really not catching on. Jamie informs Proudlock that Claudia Winkleman hasn’t been on the scene lately because she is studying. Presumably for her GCSEs? The topic of the newly formed Phoebe/Proudlock partnership (P²) comes up and Jamie, who must think his name is spelt “Gamie”, tells Proudlock that he would rather Proudlock was dating “a rank girl”. AKA he wants to tap that, too.

Lucy and Spencer have a date in a clothing store. Score! Lucy breaks the news that Andy and Wheeze are dating. Spencer “wishes them well” with all the authenticity of a Chinese water feature. Lucy asks Spencer where they stand and he says he is looking to keep it casual. “I’m sure you’re on the same page,” says Spenny. Yeah, you HOPE OLLIE HOOPshe is! God, Spenny, just keep it in your pants! Just don’t get it out, it’s not hard (easy…eeeeaaaasy)

I don’t know what it is about the next scene in the hula hooping class, but it rather turned me on. Oversharing? Cheska was really working it, and then announced that she likes having sex 4 times a day. And the way Ollie was spinning that ring round his neck allured me! Then they started discussing sex and I found the whole scene rather erotic and I felt a slight tremor up my leg. Especially when Cheska told Ollie he should be giving it to Ashley continuously. I had to pop to the fridge and press a cold coke can against my forehead.

Shit, shit, shit! P² are at P1’s gallery. I am so embarrassed for him. The exhibition features his awful tie-dye T-shirts in frames. No, P1, your T-shirts DO NOT deserve to be framed. They are not diplomas, for god’s sake. And what’s THIS!? P2 has a nose ring that I’ve never noticed before. They are clearly made for each other, with P2’s tiny ring and P1’s dangling crucifix! They then kiss on the MOUTH!!!! Elsewhere, Josh is throwing a champagne flute across a darkened room in bitter, bitter envy.

Spenny, Gamie, Luce and Binks are having drinks and Gamie won’t speak to Luce. She says: “I’m so glad I came,” in that gloriously sexual dry undertone that she speaks in. Gamie says: “You can leave.” She retorts: “You can too!” Binky then chooses this moment to announce that she is hosting a barn dance on Sunday.

DESSERT BAROllie and Ashley are in bed!!!!!!!!! Here we go, we get to see this famous sex life we are hearing so much about! Yes!!! Made In Chelsea porn! Oh, no, hang on; they’re just drinking some tea. Sex is not in the air. Doom is. Thick, syrupy doom! Ashley cries, to which Ollie reacts by saying “Look at you, you’re so beautiful (when you are a snotty mess)” She says she wishes they could go back to how things were. Errrr, WHEN? When was it that this relationship was ever remotely productive? Ollie says that things can’t change. Ashley immediately stops crying, gets up and leaves. Almost as if she was acting!!! The camera then pans down Ollie’s body and rests on his hand, grasping hold of his penis. Just kidding, grasping hold of a mug. The mug has a heart on it. This is meant to be poetic. I also noticed the time on his watch was twenty-to-two and I wondered if this was AM or PM.

Phoebe is a slut. She asks Gamie if he’ll come and play with her tomorrow. They then indulge in the following interchange: “Like your trousers” “Like your face” “Like your bag” “Do you like ME?” Shameful, disgusting, blatant flirting, out in this street, for all to see. And with P1 and Claudia Winkleman sat at home innocently doing their knitting, too! Tsk!

Lucy asks Spencer if he is getting with anyone else, because she doesn’t tend to share. I had to refrain from exclaiming “you go girl!” at the TV. Anyway, OF COURSE, Spenny is getting with someone else – it’s Spenny! Lucy quite eloquently points out that “that’s rank”. Spencer says that he wants to be free to do what he wants, even though he just spent the last year while he was with Wheeze doing PRECISELY what he wants. At this point, I ask myself this: Who are these women supposedly sleeping with Spencer? Like, seriously, WHO ARE YOU AND WHY WOULD YOU SUBJECT YOUR “V” TO THAT? We nearly get our answer to this when Binky’s mum is planning the highly anticipated barn dance with Binks. MrsSARAH MICHELLE. F just goes for it: “does he have a big dick?” Binky slowly dies on the inside, as this question escapes her mother’s filthy mouth.

Ok, so here’s the deal. Binky’s mum is awesome. Proudlock’s mum is just the kind of weird mother that you really don’t want. Binky’s mum is allowed to ask candid questions about your friends’ genitalia, but Proudlock’s mum should not be allowed out of the house wearing double denim and a straw hat. If my mother turned up to something I was hosting in an outfit like that, I would have her placed into the back of a van in the alleyway outside, until the event was over (love you Mum). Proudlock’s mum is like the lovechild of Ivana Trump and Annegret Tree.

At the petting zoo (!) Phoebe and Gamie are winding up a couple of pigs. I think Phoebe looks a bit like screen goddess Sarah Michelle Gellar and because of this I like her more. Apparently, P1 is intending to teach P2 how to “crump” at the up-coming, extremely awaited barn dance. “That’s disgusting,” says Gamie. Our thoughts exactly, G.

On Sloane Square, Cheska and Ashley seem to have been transported back to 1956.

Rosie and Stevie – a possible couple? Thoughts?

Wheeze and Andy are havingMEDUSA a nice pudding. Andy is wearing a different jumper but it’s still the colour of gelatinous vomit. Wheeze has LOST THE PLOT! She’s all “let’s move abroad you and me both of us together let’s do it I want to also go to South America I just feel so comfortable around you it feels like we have been together forever doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t it??????” Andy comments, tactfully, that they feel very natural together. Natural, but scary. “Why scary?!” Wheeze asks, looking like Medusa did just before Perseus beheaded her (I was there when it happened). She then assures Andy that “there is nothing complicated about this relationship” (aside from the fact that you’re insane Lou-Lou). Wheeze then shoves her tongue down Andy’s throat and begins to shovel cake into her mouth (not at the same time, don’t worry). Andy takes a phone call from Stevie, who informs them that Spencer doesn’t plan on pestering Wheeze at the almost-upon-us, much-gossiped about barn dance. “He’s not going to try and lunge at me then?” says Wheeze, after telling Andy to get the fuck off the phone. Andy twitches nervously.

Gamie goes to Proudlock’s studio. Oh my god, there are people WORKING in it, at a DESK. P1 has employees, hired to stitch the shit into his T-shirts. Gamie tries to explain that he didn’t go to the exhibition to see Proudlock’s 40-year-old photographs of his mother dancing on a table in Rio whilst wearing the head of a pig, because he had plans with Phoebe. But hang on, hold the phone, stop right there, thank you very much! Phoebe should have god-damn been at the exhibition too. She IS kissing Proudlock on the mouth these days, after all. Why were you at the friggin’ petting zoo, inappropriately touching a pig? Proudlock then says he wants to “cool things down” with Phoebe. Mate, your bird’s spending her free time in a pig sty with your best friend, there’s no need to cool anything down. They were never warm to start with.

It’s time for BARN DANCE 2013! The merriment is off the chart! They’re all drinking out of JAM JARS for heaven’s sake! And OH MY GOD, the dance is happening at Lillibrook Manor which I am not kidding is like 3 minutes from my apartment!!!! I could have gone and got involved in the drama. Caggie, why didn’t you tell me???

JAM JARSMark-Francis is judging the cakes, but Victoria isn’t present because she doesn’t eat. I also suspect she doesn’t “do” barn dances. I spy Claudia Winkleman welly-wanging. Wheeze and Lucy have a bitch-off, but Lucy wins hand’s down because she is just too cool. She has this amazing ability to have a petty, adolescent row without sounding like a snide child. Lucy Watson, I bow to thee.

Across the room the epic saga of comes to an end. No one will notice.

The threesome are BACK – Bollska! Chesllib! Olesky! No, not the cast of Russian playwright Anton Chekhov’s “Three Sisters”, but Ollie, Cheska & Binky of course. They are sitting on hay bales sucking long ears of corn. On that note, Ollie announces that he is “pretty much gay”. Cheska has a new aura about her lately, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it’s because someone is evidently shagging her 4 times a day. But anyway, she tells Ollie to “shut that closet door and keep it locked!”

Spencer and Wheeze have a slanging match through gritted teeth which results, of course, in Wheeze crying, despite the fact that she is “just so happy now”. She runs outside, jumps into her chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, and is driven off away from the barn. It’s just like Cinderella.

Next week’s predictions: Wheeze will return to the open arms of Andy, with tales of woe about the ill-fated, much celebrated barn dance; Andy’s open arms will start to close – with Wheeze on the outside of them; Spencer will start manipulating Lucy into thinking she is luring him away from meaningless sex with whores; Dare I say it but Rosie and Stevie could possibly tongue; Gamie will cheat on Claudia Winkleman with P2, while Claudia Winkleman is pulling an all-nighter for her up-coming chemistry pop quiz; Millie will be awarded the title role in upcoming film “Macaroons In The Morning”, starring opposite Jennifer Love Hewitt and Nene Leakes.

– – A

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