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I was reprimanded tonight by my friend Sarah Collins, whose birthday it happens to be today, because I had not yet posted my episode 2 run down of The Apprentice. She made me feel shameful and dirty. In my defense, I wasn’t expecting Aunty Beeb to air it the next ruddy night, alright? But Sarah is right and I should be disgusted with myself. So I rushed home from her birthday drinks at the pub to write this blog – consequently not paying my tab and leaving my credit card behind the bar. Which I have to go back and get tomorrow morning. Yeah. Thanks Sarah.

RHUBARBPredictions for episode 2: Alex will call Jason a silly shit (YES AND IT WAS FABULOUS); Luisa will continue to piss off the rest of the girls (YES. AND THE BOYS. AND LORD SUGAR, KARREN AND NICK. AND THE NATION); Karren will rock a different hairdo (HELL YEAH KARR-KARR); Dr Leah will be seen performing Botox injections in the girls’ bedroom (NO BUT SHE PROBABLY DID IT WHEN THE CAMERAS WERE OFF); A man will be fired (hopefully Neil) (YES, BUT NOT NEIL…DEVASTATINGLY); Francesca will perhaps speak (YES, BUT YOU ARE ONLY AWARE OF HER THIS WEEK BECAUSE SHE IS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK); A lot of frothy mess will seep out of pipes unexpectedly (LUISA IS GETTING AROUND A BIT); also, they’ll make beer (YES, IF YOU CAN CALL BEER WITH RHUBARB IN IT BEER) 7/8

The Apprentice S9 E2­:

Slutty Luisa is the first one to the phone when it rings in the hallway of the townhouse. This is because she has been up since 4AM doing her face. They are instructed to be ready to be taken to a pub. “Get in!” thinks Luisa, reminiscing back to her days behind the bar of The Dog and Cock in Harlow. She then flits around the house like a wood nymph hoping to get a glimpse of the men in their naughties.

The whole pub theme is because Lord Sugar is setting the gang a task to create, manufacture and sell flavoured beer. Tim, who was told to shut up last week by Lord S, is moved from the boys’ team to the girls’, and told he will be project managing them. I BET he’d like to project manage those girls, if you know what I’m sayin’! Kurt, who I didn’t mention last week because he was mute for the entire episode, and consequently made as much of an impression on me as a pea in an ounce of frozen butter, will be PMing the boys.

Both teams split off to start talking tactics. Tim can’t handle the girls at all and looks like a spaniel that has been placed on a cushion and had its head forced into an Elizabethan ruff. Posh Jason addresses the boys as “gentleman”, proving to me that he should not be on BBC ONE he actually belongs on Parliament TV. They make some sort of executive decision (I use the term “executive” so loosely that its swinging from my fingers as I type this) and then all shake hands and pretend to start making phone calls. Jason uses that well known saying “Don’t put a cook in the kitchen who can’t handle the food”. Good one.

RUFF

Now, flavoured beer…you’d think they’d go down the route of apples and pears

(not stairs) but no. This lot come up with the following concepts: rhubarb/caramel and chocolate/orange. The look on Karren’s face says it all when she tries the girls’ rhubarb concoction. Yet they stick with the idea and decide to christen their brand “Rhubarb & Riches”. WTF?

Over at the graphic designer’s office, Uzma and Luisa screech at each other across the designers’s lap about how to design the label. The boys try to come up with a name for their brand. Hateful Neil confirms my suspicions that he is a moron by suggesting the name “A Bitter This.” Shit, right?

At the brewery, they’re all wearing lab coats. Francesca is heard in the background asking if anyone is good at maths or chemistry. No-one pays attention to her, which is a mistake because apparently to calculate percentages and mix fluids one should really know how to add up. The result of unsupervised chemic activity is that they create a beer that would paralyze a rhino. The lab technician man tuts under his breath at this disgustingness. Amateurs.

Eventually, after a bit of unplanned spurting, the beer is produced. Tim makes Rebecca the sub-team leader. Uzma is fuming.

Zee, Vampire Alex and Jason head off to try and sell their product. Zee immediately starts snapping at Jason. I’m starting to see that Zee is a little bitch. They take an empty bottle to a pub to attempt to sell the contents of it to the landlords. But it’s empty. So, like, there’s no actual beer in the beer bottle. They have gone to sell beer…without the beer. The bottle is just a bottle. There’s not many more ways I can rephrase this.

The other boys are at a beer festival with a load of old drunks. It’s all very macho and so Jordan decides to take the opportunity to hammer a beer barrel open in order to assert his masculinity. After a bit of bashing, there is some unfortunate overspill, which gives the nation a glimpse of what he is like in bed. And it’s not good. Poor Luisa.

Rebecca seals a deal and starts rolling beer barrels around in her high heels, like Cathy Gale from The Avengers. Uzma is still fuming. There’s a bit of finger-in-face gesticulation.

BREWINGThe morris dancers are out at the Kent beer festival…which is actually in Putney. One of the girls makes an embarssing announcement that their beer is made of rhubarb and caramel. The crowd are appalled by the prospect. Seriously, what were these girls thinking??? I mean, why not a beer with lime in it, perhaps? You know, like when you have a Corona! Caramel?? Is this just me…?

Back with the boys, a man is playing a banjo on his head. “A Bitter This” doesn’t sell because the name is repelling people. Zee is still yelling at Jason, and Alex says “yeah” in agreement. Jason then goes outside and talks to the camera about the intolerable moronic-ness of those two. I agree with him. The men then decide to leave the drunks and head to the South Bank to sell the rest of “A Bitter This”. They calculate that as long as they sell 3 pints per minute, they’ll be fine. Sure boys, sure. On arrival at the South Bank, hateful Neil is bragging that he came up with the name “A Bitter This”, which he shouldn’t do, because my not-yet-conceived future child could come up with something better than that.

The girls also pack up and leave the festival they’re selling at. Luisa yells “bye everyone” to the crowd, like a banshee with a foghorn. Tim – who is slurring by this point – instructs his girls to head to the nearest wine bar to sell off the rest of the beer. Oh Tim, don’t you remember what your grandmother told you about wine after beer? It makes you queer, okay! At the wine bar, Luisa is in her element. She takes the bull by the horns (something she’s used to from her days at The Dog and Cock) and sluts it about with the patrons. She gets a load of men to buy some of her goods and insists that they’re “gonna have a great night, tonight”. We’ve no doubt, Luisa.

TIM FIREDNext thing we know, we’re back in the boardroom and Alex is being told, by Lord Sugar, not to slouch. Lord S asks Neil whether if you drink enough of their beer, the name “A Bitter This” becomes funny. Quite, I chuckle. Alex lies to Lord Sugar’s face and Jason calls him a disgrace. The girls say that Tim was a good PM, but then loose the task, and immediately start wishing he had been killed in the brewery by an un-pressurized barrel.

The boys’ prize is a trip to Belgium, where we see Alex wearing his cashmere coat OVER his shoulders. Twat.

When the girls are called back in to Lord S, the Rebecca/Uzma friction reaches a climax and they start yelling at each other, at which Rebecca’s voice begins to wobble. At this point I prayed to Jehovah that she would cry. She swears to Lord S that the rest of the girls are part of a conspiracy against her to which Lord S replies “this is just a bladdy mess”. Rebecca cries. Mission accomplished.

However, it’s Tim that is sacked. He doesn’t deserve to be, but I suppose they have to keep things even because a girl went last week. Francesca should have been let go, along with her inability to multiply by three.

Back at the house, Rebecca walks into the living room, much to the chagrin of, like, all the girls. She states that she’s sad to see Tim go, with all the sincerity of a damask curtain.

Predictions for next week: The theme is flatpack, so surely the King of Sweden will give some sort of masterclass;  Jason will call Jordan small, which Jordan will take too personally because he has a phallus inadequacy complex; Luisa’s vocal range will accelerate by at least 4 decibels; Neil will come up with a shit flat-pack related name, such as “Pack It In” or “Joker of the Pack”; Karren will have dip-dyed hair.

– – A

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