Before I begin prolixly satirizing this week’s episode of “Made In Chelsea” I’d like to take the opportunity to say “hi, how are you, please come and sit ‘pon a metaphorical poof and enjoy an allegorical cup of tea” to the new readers I have acquired since last week’s edition. Thanks to Caggie Dunlop, readership has soared and I hope you’re all back this week. Keep re-tweeting, be-atches.
In related news, despite continually tweeting to gossip site Holy Moly to try and get them to employ me in the absence of their own MIC blogger, what’s actually happened is they’ve brought back the bird who writes for them and they’ve told me, in no uncertain terms, to “Give. It. A. Rest”. They are referring to my occasional contact with them. So much for nurturing a new generation of writers! Rude. Whatever. I’m not bitter.
Last week’s predictions: Lucy goes on the rebound by letting Spencer take her out, hoping that Jamie will care, but he won’t (HALF A POINT, JAMIE DOES SEEM IRKED BY THIS); Jamie will retract the statement he has made about loving Claudia Winkleman, because he can’t commit to a goldfish, let alone a girlfriend (NOT REALLY BUT HE AND CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN ARE HAVING SPACE (WHICH YOU DON’T DO IF YOU’VE JUST TOLD SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM) SO HALF A POINT); Binky and Louise visit an antique book store to brush up on their Dickens (YEAH); Ashley will bitch to Cheska about Ollie (SHE BITCHES TO OLIVIA, WHO IS ALSO BLONDE, SO HALF A POINT); Ollie will realise he is secretly in love with Oscar (NO, BUT HE CLEARLY IS); Andy’s eye will morph into an individual entity, extract itself from its socket and return to its mothership, where it will deliver its earthly findings to the overlord (OK, NO. BUT IT WAS A NICE IDEA) 2.5/6 – Oh dear. And that’s giving myself points where I really shouldn’t have. I’m lagging.
MIC: SEASON 5; EPISODE 5
Jamie has done the most unholy, unthinkable thing ever – he has got a tattoo…of Peter Pan! No, Jamie, just no. You have ridden the whole Lost Boys thing until the wheels have spun off and taken out an old woman trying to cross the street. Why ink yourself with it? It’s a bit like when Justin Beiber got a tattoo of an owl. I may as well go out and get one of Calista Flockhart.
Rosie and Millie are at the salon with giant curlers on their heads. Rosie refers to Louise as “Ouise” (pronounced “wheeze”) as if she is a cabbage patch kid. Millie is only in this one scene today, and she was only in one scene last week. It makes me nervous that she is slowly being written out because she is being brainwashed by Professor Green.
Spencer has of course wasted no time figuring out where he will next place his penis, and has been texting Lucy. Jamie makes things as clear as day: if Spencer starts dating Lucy, she will NOT be welcome at DVD nights. Cold Jamie, cold.
The 3 witches are out shopping. Fran is planning her upcoming birthday with giddy anticipation. She’s trying to find an appropriately whore-ish outfit so she can seal the deal with Andy. Why, Fran? Andy is heinous. Olivia is given some lines this week, which she delivers with strained gusto. Apparently Francis asked her out, but she pied him off, then he asked her out again and she pied him off a second time, but then she texted him and he pied her off. The Mistress of Chance then waves her magic wand and in walks Francis. Olivia gives him the glad-eye. Slut! They plan a “Verbier Reunion Night”. Is this really necessary when they all see each other, like, every day?
Andy’s eye infection has cleared up and he celebrates this by taking Lucy to lunch and rubbing her nose in the fact that she and Binky have not been invited to “Verbier Reunion Night”. Lucy is as bitter as a lemon marinated in sour milk. Her lips are as pursed as a nun’s V-V.
At the Judith Blacklock School of Flower Arranging (you know it, right?) Mark-Francis and my mate Victoria are sniffing buds. They are talking to a crazy lady who I can only assume in Judith Blacklock. Mark-Francis quite rightly points out that “there is nothing more depressing than a dinner party without flowers” and that no one likes a floral disaster. Quite, Mark-Francis, quite. Victoria extracts her Freddie Kruger-like claws and says that Millie’s wedding will basically be a Big Fat Gypsy one. Ouch. Just because Professor Green is a bit common, there’s no need for that!
Verbier Reunion Night is in full swing, and so is Flirty Fondue. Fran and Olivia are sort of in the corner, whispering like Lindsay Lohan and Lacey Chabert in “Mean Girls”. Presumably Olivia is hammered, yet again. Francis makes things awkward by asking Andy, in front of Fran (who, last week, he tongued) if Louise is “back on his metaphorical table; back on his silver platter”. Andy’s mouth says no, but his horrid little eyes say “Mother, May I?”
Lucy and Binky are partying with Spencer and Josh. Spencer is dressed like Danny from Grease. Lucy says to Spencer that she used to hate him. That’s not quite true, is it Lucy? You have always lusted after him, you minx. Anyway he does some sort of doe-eyed, butter-wouldn’t-melt thing with his fat face and Lucy declares that he has changed from the man he was last week when he was shagging around. Therefore, she will date him.
The following day, Ashley is having a photoshoot in appalling swimwear. Olivia is there fannying about with Max Factor. They talk about what a small world Chelsea is (which has nothing to do with the fact that they are all employed by E4). Ashley confides in Olivia about the massive bisexual elephant that looms over her relationship with Ollie. Olivia makes her feel 100 times better by basically saying “yeah, its well weird, that would freak me the fuck out if my bloke was bi, innit”.
Ollie is shopping for a nice bit of long tackle. He tells Binky that the sex is bad between him and Ashley. Somehow he adds into this conversation that Oscar is a whore. Ollie – YOU LOVE HIM! You fantasize about having “his ‘n’ his” matching bathrobes, each with an “O” printed on the lapel. You can’t be bothered to shag Ashley properly and you are shopping for a large rod. Tell Oscar how you feel – go toward the light!
OMG, Andy and Josh are at Bounce! I was there like 2 weeks ago but got kicked out and threatened to sue the bouncers, who told me their names were Peter and Stewie Griffin (“Family Guy”) which I wrote in my phone, like an idiot. Fran pops in and Josh is a total third wheel. Why is he on this show? He’s not even that posh!
Spencer turns up at Proudlock’s studio looking like he has been dragged through a hedge backwards and then slapped about a bit. Proudock is pretending to draw. He shows Spencer some truly horrendous leopard print boots, which are meant for men to wear. Does anyone actually buy your stuff, Proudlock? No? Didn’t think so.
Louise meets Binky for lunch. She marches in, throws herself down, leaves her coat on, pours herself some water and insists in an un-punctuated sentence that she is doing really well. Then she cries. Who are you kidding, Wheeze? To lift spirits, they go to a bookshop where they discuss the prospect of Louise revisiting Andy as a romantic option. They are both budding geographers, after all. Sexy, right? She can scrutinize his tectonic plates and he can sample her hilly mounds.
At Fran’s cabaret themed birthday party, Jamie lusts after the dancers while Proudlock cracks on to Phoebe. When Proudlock flirts, it sends chills throughout my central nervous system. He needs to keep his asexual penis in its scabbard and lock himself away in his studio forever. I imagine he has a secret room in that studio like Buffalo Bill’s in “Silence of the Lambs” where he tries on his awful boots and T-Shirts and keeps unsuspecting women in a giant underground pit. Anyway, Josh is very bitter that P&P are flirting like banshees.
As the rest of the cabaret scene progresses, each little occurrence is intercut with shots of naked women tossing feathers and shimmying their tassels about. Louise chats to Andy, as Fran sits scathingly in the corner watching them. Poor Fran – it’s her birthday and yet across the room her BF is telling another girl that he wants to touch her. Louise tells Andy that she is glad to be rid of Spencer and that she is having fun now – what, going to bookshops and crying? Sounds great, Wheeeeeeeeeze. Anyway, Andy pies off Fran.
A naked woman takes to the piano. Oscar – who has realized he’s ginger and has seemingly dyed his hair to pre-empt hate crimes – stirs the shit between Ashley and Ollie. Ollie basically tells her he doesn’t want to ever be naked with her again. Ashley says she feels humiliated. She should be!
As the crescendo builds on the piano, we see little montages of all the couples – Andy and Louise undress each other with their eyes across the top of Fran’s head; Ollie and Ashley sit in awkward, terse misery; Proudlock and Phoebe snuggle closer with all the sex appeal of a wet mallard; and, finally, Lucy and Spencer are seen toasting to evil victory on their date, as Spencer announces he is taking her to Paris. Goes to show, malevolence pays off.
Predictions for next week: Josh tells Phoebe to go and fuck herself because he still loves her; Josh then realises he actually loves Ollie; Ollie realises he loves Oscar; Oscar realises he loves Ashely; Ashley gets a makeover to redeem her sexual humiliation; Louise and Andy have sex to get back at Spencer; Spencer and Lucy have sex to get back at Louise. Claudia Winkleman makes a triumphant return, only to see Jamie’s God-awful tattoo and consequently runs for the hills.
I will be doing a blog like this one for the new series of The Apprentice, which starts tonight. Do come back and read it.
* The Verbier word count this week was 4.
** Last night I dreamt that Mark-Francis invited me to his birthday party.
*** Below is a montage of the notes I made during yesterday’s episode, so as to give you a glimpse into my psyche.
– – A