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Last week I took it upon myself to write a retrospective blog about the premiere episode of “Made In Chelsea” season 5. This comes in the absence of Holy Moly’s weekly blog about it, which I have since learnt has ceased because the regular writer of it has spread her media wings. Farewell, sweet maiden. We shall miss thee.

I posted my blog on Holy Moly’s Twitter and have attempted to coax them into employing me to take this weekly review over for them but they don’t seem to be biting the carrot of temptation that I am swinging before their eyes like a media pendulum. Oh media, media, media.OLIVIA & FRAN

Anyway, last week’s blog got a high readership so here I go again with episode 2. Last week I made some predictions about what would happen this week. Did they come true I hear you cry?

Cheska will burst back onto the scene (CAME TRUE) possibly with Richard who was also absent (DIDN’T COME TRUE) and tell the world why she and Binky have fallen out (SORT OF CAME TRUE); the shit will hit the fan RE: Jamie, Prudders and Francis moving in together (DIDN’T REALLY COME TRUE AND WAS ACTUALLY A BIT ANTICLIMACTIC); Louise will cry (SHE WASN’T EVEN IN IT LAST NIGHT); another crap band will play a gig (DOES A DJ AT AN APRES SKI BAR COUNT?); they will go skiing (YES!!!!). 3/7 – Must try harder.

MIC: SEASON 5; EPISODE 2

So it would appear that Lucy and Binky are now BFFs and that Binky has ditched the threeway of her, Cheska and Ollie for one-on-one time with Lucy. Now, Lucy is meant to be the villain, but I am slightly obsessed by her so there will be no Lucy bad-mouthing from moi. No, no, NO! Lucy Watson, you have my full support.

WITCHESShe does NOT have the support of the trio of New Girls that come in the form of Phoebe and “the sisters”. These three are like the witches from Macbeth, only blonde with fur muffs (skiwear). Sadly, they are still around. Phoebe has more lines this week. We learn that she is posh like the others but for some reason the rest of the cast’s accents are bearable, whilst hers isn’t. We find out that she used to go out with a guy called Josh, who I personally didn’t think would have liked girls on first glance, but there we go. Josh is bitter because Phoebe dumped him and is rather cold toward him. Watch out Victoria, there’s a new bitch in town.

Proudlock has a studio with a few items of clothing on a clothes rail. I don’t know what he does in there but who cares really. Let’s hope it’s not designing earrings and glasses.

Andy seems to of now cemented himself on the scene. He is like an excitable poodle and when he laughs very hard his jaw sort of detaches from his mouth and extends like a snake swallowing an egg or like the alien in “Alien”. Anyway he pops into Francis and Jamie’s new place and invites them skiing – tomorrow, like you do. They all deduce that this is going to be “sick”. Next thing we know, Andy and Jamie are in the ski shop buying new boots – like you do. Binky and Lucy, the new twosome who seem to be wandering around London like the twins from “The Shining”, happen upon Jamie and Andy and are invited along to the ski trip as well. The potential holiday disaster is that the three witches are going as well. So that’s Jamie, Francis, Andy the alien, a pair of evil twins and three witches, locked into a chalet together on a mountain. There is something very Stephen King about this arrangement, no?

Back to the ski trip later.

PHOEBE & JENNIFERSpencer approaches Millie and Rosie in a bar. He ignores Millie and addresses only Rosie because he wants to salvage his friendship with the latter, whilst he no longer cares for the former. Millie calls Spencer a chubby baker boy, because he is wearing a ridiculous sort of hunting/driving cap, which I think still has the tag hanging off the back of. Rosie says that to be friends with Spenny again, she will have to see some kind of change in him. He says that he is happy to oblige and then proceeds in proving that he hasn’t changed at all by doing what he does best – yelling in girls’ faces about the fact that they disapprove of his lying, cheating ways. Millie says “Boo-F***ing-Hoo!” and then represses a girly laugh. Rosie’s eyes, wide as ever, flit about the room. End scene.

Binky and Cheska have fallen out. It is still unclear as to why. Binky is throwing statements about such as “we are all growing up” and “we are growing apart”. I hate when people say this. Where is it written that there comes a point in your life when you must stop hanging out with people you hung out with in your late teens/early twenties and socialise with other people? I’ll tell you where – no-where! Binky is doing that thing she did in season 2, where she decides to break free from Ollie and Cheska and try hanging out with some of the other cast members. And, like she did in season 2, she goes on holiday with these other cast members on the ski trip, leaving Cheska to cry into her marguerita. We also learn that Cheska hates Lucy, much like she hated Kimberley in season 3 and pretty much anyone else who isn’t Ollie or Binky.

Cut to the slopes. Andy thinks he’s a good snowboarder and Jamie thinks he’s a good skier. They’re not. The three witches DUCHESSare dolled up to the nines in mink. Phoebe, I’ve decided, looks like Jennifer Coolidge aka Stiffler’s Mom from “American Pie” (who actually appeared on an advert for “Two Broke Girls” in the ad break). They have a quick mountain-side bitch about the impending arrival of Lucy and Binky and then off they ski. That evening, there’s a painful scene in the hot-tub between Jamie and Phoebe. There’s as much sexual chemistry between them as there is between me and my ankle, yet Jamie tries to get it on with her. This delicious moment is caught on camera and posted to Facebook, which Josh (new boy back home who is bitter) sees whilst flipping haphazardly through his iPad. Oh dear.

Anyway it turns out Jamie, the self-confessed commitment-phobe (whatever Jamie) is being incredibly inappropriate because he has a ruddy girlfriend back home. Apparently her name is Tara. I have no idea where she has sprung up from but when we meet her, later in the episode, she is the dullest woman on the planet and I find myself slightly pining for Phoebe. Above all, Tara’s line delivery is unforgivable.

Lucy and Binky arrive skiing and Lucy pretends she doesn’t know who the three witches are, despite having shagged one of their boyfriends in the past. The witch in question is Olivia who, that evening, gets absolutely totalled on wine and confronts Lucy. Poor Lucy is perfectly rational and lovely, all she did was sleep with someone she shouldn’t do. Olivia slurs and grimaces and throws optic daggers at Lucy and then cries. Phoebe – who is dressed like Duchess from “The Aristocats” – comes and comforts her. Then LUCY cries. It turns out she isn’t a robot.

Prediction for next week: Louise descends from Edinburgh (I bet she really regrets going to uni up there) and meets Spencer on a bridge where he shouts in her face; Louise will finally dump his ass; Tara will surely be written out by the end of the episode OR will find out Jamie is a commitment-phobe and run off with Andy (seeing as they all seem to share each other’s girlfriends); Lucy will continue to prove she is not a robot; Binky and Cheska will have another head-to-head.

– – A

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2 thoughts on “Made In Chelsea S5E2: Boo-Hoo Spencer! Boo-F***ing-Hoo!

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