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Last night saw the return to our screens of “Made In Chelsea”. It has been sorely missed since the Christmas episode which saw Millie slap Spencer across his smug cheeks.

My ritual, the morning after an episode is aired, is to check the Holy Moly website, where they publish a blog about the episode from the night before. But OMG, they haven’t written one this week. OMGeeee! OMFG! I don’t know why. They are normally very very funny. In the absence of it therefore, I am going to write one. And hell, I might make it a weekly commentary. I feel partly compelled to do this also given that I enquired to Holy Moly about being a guest blogger but no-one bothered to reply. Suit yourselves.MIC S5E1 2

MIC: SEASON 5; EPISODE 1

The new season kicked off with our favourite socialites partying in Jamie’s hotel suite. This included nakedness on the balcony and fully-dressed-ness in the bath. This was then followed by a morning-after scene which had to be the most staged interchange I have ever witnessed on this show. And that’s saying something, given that we all know they are fed their lines (ask Audrina Patridge). But this was cringe. Jamie pretended that he wasn’t expecting his accountant to knock on the door, the accountant pretended that Jamie couldn’t afford to spend £2,500 per night on a hotel room, and a production assistant quickly ducked out of shot after strategically placing some knickers on the funnel of an empty Moet bottle. Yeah, we saw you. Andy then emerged, apparently now friends with everyone (Why? He’s hideous! Lucy did the right thing dumping him last season at brunch) and Proudlock appeared shirtless, because he somehow thinks he’s attractive. He was still also wearing THAT earring and THOSE glasses (Note: everyone in MIC wears oversized glasses when they don’t require them for seeing). The gist – Proudlock (now being referred to as something like Prudders) and Jamie need to move into a flat, but they can’t decide whether to move in with Francis or Spencer who now hate each other.

Francis meets Louise for a drink. Apparently she is glad they are “re-connecting”. Since when have these two been friends? Louise has changed her hair. One might think it’s a fresh start and she has decided to reclaim her dignity, but no: it emerges that she is, once again, back with Spencer, despite the fact that he has cheated on her twenty-six times in the last 2 years. Spenny arrives for drinks, after Francis has left, and nearly drinks his left-over wine. Spenny would rather drink his blood, given that he now despises him for treating him so badly.

Spencer Matthews’ definition of someone treating him badly: “To find out that one’s acquaintance has cheated on said acquaintance’s relatively pleasant girlfriend, for the twenty-sixth time. To then confide in said girlfriend’s friends and let them break the news to said girlfriend.”

My definition of someone treating someone else badly: “Cheating on one’s relatively pleasant girlfriend twenty-six times.”

Anyway, Spencer is the master of manipulation and making people feel bad about doing the right thing. In every confrontation he has over the course of this episode he A) looks increasingly more unkempt and chubby and B) shouts in peoples’ faces as a means to make them seem like they are in the wrong, not him. He’s a douche.

MIC S5E1 1Mark-Francis and Victoria are given a quick scene in a gallery or something, where Mark-Francis claims that he now has a job to do with publicising people’s incredible passion for lovely things. Yeah, I don’t get it either. He is comedy gold though, so it’s fine. He is later seen at a gig for a band that is very posh-London-grunge-cool-but-actually-literally-terrible taking a swig out of a plastic cup and nearly vomming.

Victoria – pointless as ever – bumps into Lucy outside a restaurant, solely for the purpose of “setting the scene” for Lucy’s run-in with Spencer and Louise inside. Lucy proceeds in strutting up to Spouise’s table to “make nice” with Lou Lou. What she actually does is make her feel like shit, telling her Spencer hit on her the other day. Louise cries, Spencer shouts at her face and Lucy goes and sits with her blind date, who is ugly (and was most probably hired by Ray Knight extras casting).

Millie’s hand still hurts from her Christmas slap.

Binky goes running with Lucy. Lucy looks unimpressed and a bit frumpy. Running doesn’t become her. Binky casually says that she and Cheska haven’t been talking. “WHAT? WHY?” we hear the nation simultaneously cry. Yet we are not given an explanation. Cheska doesn’t show up for the whole episode either. Seriously, what has happened? I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about it.

MIC S5E1 3Francis reveals he and Sofia have broken up. She doesn’t make an appearance either, and so this isn’t really explained. My thinking is that Cheska and Sofia must have been doing a PA at Mahikis that night, so couldn’t make the filming. Francis has a drink with ex-fling Ashley, who tells him that she is now dating Ollie (he’s back on girls). Francis finds it funny, rather than upsetting. Back at Ollie’s bachelor pad (which he of course shares with Cheska, the eternal Bachelorette) Ashley and Ollie have a conversation wearing nothing but pants and a towel. Can you guess which one was wearing which? It’s not what you think. They decide to be a couple. It’s ridiculous; we don’t like Ollie with women. Look at Gabriella and then Chloe Green (who is now dating Marc Anthony of J-Lo marriage fame, can you believe). He needs to go back to boys.

The last occurrence of real note is that three generic blonde girls have appeared on the scene. Two of them are sisters and look like Lady Victoria Hervey, and the third is called Phoebe and seems to be Swedish and a little fat-faced. She just smiles and looks smug. We don’t like these three. Andy says to Phoebe “it’s nice to finally put a face to the name” but let’s all remember that he has only ever heard about her once. Good one, Andy.

Prediction for next week: Cheska will burst back onto the scene, possibly with Richard who was also absent (I didn’t care though) and tell the world why she and Binky have fallen out; the shit will hit the fan RE: Jamie, Prudders and Francis moving in together; Louise will cry; another crap band will play a gig; they will go skiing.

– – A

*At the end of the episode they announced the release of Season 4 on DVD. I immediately logged onto Amazon and bought it.

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One thought on “Made In Chelsea S5E1: It’s back…and so is Lucy!

  1. Pingback: Made In Chelsea S5E2: Boo-Hoo Spencer! Boo-F***ing-Hoo! | Drew Drawls...

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