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THE BORDENS

Last week I discovered that I am the reincarnation of the father of axe-murderess Lizzie Borden, who bludgeoned her parents to death with a hatchet in 1892.

Lizzie was a resident of Fall River, Massachusetts where she lived with her father, Andrew Jackson Borden, and step-mother Abby Borden. She had a sister called Emma and another called Alice – Alice died when she was a child. Lizzie’s birth mother died young also. Lizzie, Emma, Andrew and Abby lived in the family home in a rather terse atmosphere – the girls didn’t particularly care for their father, and they refused to call their step-mother anything but “Mrs. Borden”.

On an excruciatingly hot day in August 1892, the family maid Bridget discovered Andrew and Abby, hacked to death in the living room and spare bedroom respectively. Lizzie was arrested and tried for their murders.OUR DAUGHTER, LIZZIE

Okay – that’s the history. Now to explain why I was Andrew Borden in a past life, and why my friend Sarah Collins is the reincarnation of Andrew’s first wife, Lizzie’s biological mother.

Sarah and I work together, and last year were having a random conversation in the office about Lizzie Borden – don’t ask me why. I said don’t! That lunchtime, Sarah went home to have lunch, which she seldom does. She settled down to her hot soup in front of the TV, and tuned into an episode of “Four in a Bed”. This particular episode featured the owners of the Lizzie Borden Guesthouse, which is in fact the real Borden family home, where the killings took place, now a bed and breakfast. This was totally coincidental, and Sarah was sure to come skipping back to the office to excitably tell of the spooky happenstance.

Cut to last Thursday. For some reason, Lizzie came up in conversation again in the office, totally randomly. That evening, I spent the evening with Sarah at our friends Charlotte and Dan’s house, and we had “Ghost Hunters” on the TV in the background. Where were the ghost hunters conducting their investigation, you ask? Only the freakin’ Lizzie Borden Guesthouse (where, incidentally they made contact with Lizzie, Andrew and Abby)!

Sarah and I were rather stunned over this occurrence – understandably. Twice on days we randomly spoke of this 19th Century serial killer had there been TV shows about her on in front of us. Naturally, we assumed there must be some kind of cosmic connection between the Borden murders and us.

And alas, whilst watching “Ghost Hunters” we learned that Lizzie’s father’s name was Andrew. Andrew Jackson Borden. Andrew J Borden. AJB. Andrew J Bullock. Hello! Furthermore, the image they showed of Andrew held slight resemblances to myself – brooding eyes, dark handsome features, that sort of thing. (I will point out that I refer to a photograph taken of Andrew when he was alive, not the one taken of him sprawled on a sofa with his eyeball smashed in half). I then joked to Sarah “just imagine her mother’s name was Sarah…but it was Abby”. “No,” cried Sarah, “Abby was her stepmother. Let’s look up her birth mother’s name, shall we?” “Yes, let’s,” I exulted. Onto Wikipedia we went. Lizzie Borden’s mother = SARAH BORDEN! OMGeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

MR & MRS BThis could not be a mere coincidence, surely. So Sarah and I deduced, there and then, that we were Lizzie Borden’s reincarnated parents. Sadly, I was murdered by our daughter, whilst Sarah got away with dying from spinal disease. Lucky!

We then found various other facts that relate the Bordens back to us: Sarah Borden died on March 26, the date of Sarah Collins’ mother Marion’s birthday; the Bordens other children were called Emma and Alice – Emma being the name of our friend Emma Buckley, and Alice being the Christian name of Sarah’s alter-ego, Alice Hopkins; Lizzie Borden was friends with a girl named Anna – the same name of mine and Sarah’s friend and colleague Anna Thompson who was influential in the original discussion we had about Lizzie last year (well, she was sat at her desk at the time); the Bordens had an Uncle John – my father’s name and my middle name; Andrew Borden had an illegitimate son called William – the middle name of my Papa; Sarah BordenQUASIMODO‘s maiden name was Morse and Sarah Collins’ nickname for me is Moose. The list goes on. Well, actually it sort of stops there, but anyway…

So Sarah and I have decided to take a trip to Boston and road-trip it to Fall River to spend a night in the marital home of our past-selves. We’re a bit concerned we won’t come out alive, but that’s part of the fun I suppose. I have to say, it’s quite exciting to think that I have such a rich past and that I fathered a notorious figure in American history. I will point out that Lizzie was acquitted, and to this day it is unknown if she did in fact kill her parents; but I think she did, because it sounds better when I tell this story. I have always hoped that my family descended from witches or Dracula or The Loch Ness Monster or the hunchback of Notre-Dame…or something…

In case you didn’t know…I am a horror fan!

– – A

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