Made In Chelsea S5E4: “You are an embarrassment to social situations!”

30 04 2013

As I mentioned in this post on Wednesday, last week’s MIC blog saw my readership soar. Thanks for all the tweets and comments and favourites and likes and follows – it touched me to my very soul. Lucy Watson still hasn’t followed me back yet! Come on Luce – if Vic Baker Harber can muster up the finger-energy to tweet me back, you can click “Follow” on your touchscreen.

Last week’s predictions:WOODS

Ollie reveals that he has slept with/wants to sleep with the new slimy ginger boy (YES – NOT NECESSARILY IN THE SEXUAL SENSE BUT WHO ARE WE KIDDING); we find out that Spencer DID cheat on Louise in her bed but we will not be at all surprised (YES HE DID IT; NO WE’RE NOT SURPRISED (2 POINTS)); Cheska and Binky will talk to each other – they HAVE to, it’s just not right (NO, AND THIS IS REALLY STRESSING ME OUT NOW); Lucy will tell Claudia Winkleman about the hot tub incident with Jamie (NO, JAMIE TELLS HER – LESS DRAMATIC AND LESS EFFECTIVE); Jamie will manipulate Claudia Winkleman into thinking Lucy is a lying robot (PRETTY MUCH). 4/6 – I’m getting better at this.

MIC: SEASON 5; EPISODE 4

Jamie and Spencer wake up together. It’s not at all homoerotic its pretty cringe. You think Spencer has a whore in his bed at first, but no, it’s Jamie’s yellow hair that emerges from the crisp, white sheets. They sit there like a married couple on a Sunday morning only without the newspapers, freshly pressed orange juice and Labrador at the end of the bed. Instead, Spencer smirks and Jamie trips over his lines. Standard.

Louise talks to the girls about moving onto “cleaner pastures”, consequently clarifying that Spencer has an STI.

Lucy and Binky are having champagne with the REAL star of “Made In Chelsea”, Binky’s mother. I love her. She’s the best one out of the mums that have appeared on the show because she’s also been on celebrity “Come Dine With Me”, where she taught Binks how to rip apart a pheasant. Binky’s mum asks what the goss is and what’s going down with the kids. Lucy then begins reeling off what’s happening in her little triangle with Jamie and Tara (aka Claudia Winkleman). It’s here that I begin to cringe. By inserting a proper grown-up into the scenario, I actually realise how trivial Lucy’s problems are. As Lucy tells The Mother about what’s happening, I felt embarrassed for her and immediately began to sink deeper into my purple sofa. I also realised what a pretty shit storyline this one is. Lucy, you kissed Jamie in a hot-tub, it wasn’t even caught on camera, Jamie clearly doesn’t care, let it go. You’re embarrassing yourself sweetheart. The Mother, in all her middlecASH & CHESKlass glory, tells it as it is: “Jamie’s a tit. He needs a slap”. You go, sister!

Andy has a gammy eye. My guess is that a suspicious bodily fluid has somehow gotten into it. He’s at the gym with Stevie, who makes a brave declaration: as a 16 year old, he was afraid of the countryside. There’s a support group for that I think. The reason they are discussing the countryside is that they are all going for a walk in it. Yeah, it’s a bit weird.

There’s a tiny scene in “Josh’s Studio”. I think he designs shit T-shirts like Proudlock. This scene serves no other purpose than to establish Josh is clearly in the closet, Olivia is still drunk from a couple of weeks ago and Fran wants to look lovingly into Andy’s gammy eye.

Cut to Surrey: the gang have donned their tweed and are seen traipsing along some ex-fox-hunting route. Binky is sitting in a pile of leaves which for all she knows could be home to a nest of adders. This whole set up is slightly odd and the group separate off into little colonies of two or three and position themselves around the woods. Some perch on felled tree trunks, some sit in the grass making daisy-chains, and Jamie & Rosie disappear off into a bushy crevice. Jamie explains that Claudia Winkleman isn’t there because she is studying – because she is sort of a child, innit. Rosie and Jamie chat to the sound of spritely chaffinches and a loud-mouthed thrush.

Lucy is STILL talking about Verbier. Next week I might actually count how many times she uses the word “Verbier”. Jesus, Lucy, it’s all I ever hear from you “Verbier, VeASHLEYrbier, Verbier!”

Cheska and Ashley clearly weren’t invited on the walk so have rebelled by going horse riding of their own accord. Ollie was clearly left out of this because Ashley doesn’t want him riding any stallions. They discuss how they are going to meet up soon with Ollie’s best friend Oscar…who Cheska doesn’t like. Shock!

Meanwhile, Ollie is with Richard. Richard has invented an electronic arm, which he says can be used “for picking stuff up.” I’m not convinced that Richard hasn’t invented it so he can do rude things with it, in a guilt-free manner. Ollie tells him that his grandfather was an inventor. Richard doesn’t give a shit, frankly. Enter Oscar. He’s not hot, relatively ginger and smug. He looks like a posh version of Kirk Norcross from TOWIE. I’m sorry, but who IS he? Where has he come from? Since when has Ollie had this phantom best friend and why has he only just cropped up now?

At the XVI Century Inn in Surrey, Olivia is given a quick screenshot but no lines. Andy’s gammy eye is looking worse from the time he has spent in the woods – I suspect a dust mite is now in it and has worsened the infection. Yet he still manages to ask Fran out, successfully. He says she’s looking “rosy” and then Rosie corrects him and says that Fran is actually looking “glowing” because “rosy” is Rosie’s name and should not be bandied about in reference to Fran.

Jamie goes to sit outside and Lucy follows him, wearing a coat/scarf combo that lies somewhere between Dick Van Dyke’s costume in “Mary Poppins” and his outfit in “Diagnosis Murder”. She has a go at Jamie for “being PDA” with Claudia Winkleman.  She then sort of rants at him like this: “You’re always texting…Verbier…you have a girlfriend…Verbier…you’re an idiot…Verbier.” Jamie then retorts with this: “You’re manipulating…you’re manifesting.” Jamie then pretends to cry because he “fucking loves” Claudia Winkleman.

Oscar has joined Ollie & co for dinner. For a second Ashley looks a bit like Caggie and I realise how much I miss Caggie. She asks Ollie and Oscar what they normally do together. You can literally slice the tension here with a knife and then use the knife to spread butter on Oscar’s face. It transpires that O & O sometimes watch movies in bed together with wine and cheese. Alarm bells begin to metaphorically clang from the local church belfry. Cheska interjects and tries to help. She fails. Ollie inexplicably decides to bring up the fact that Cheska hates Richard and Oscar and they all have a massive row which is reminiscent of that time in season 3 when this lot all went on holiday with Kimberley and spent the trip in separate rooms of the villa.

Andy and Fran have an outside-open-air-rooftop date which is a bad move given that Andy’s gammy eye is now very small and squinty. He doesn’t really rock the Popeye look to be honest. Yet Fran still puts out.

I realised at this point that Proudlock hasn’t been in this episode, and am filled with joy.

Stevie and Andy run into Spencer in the street and Spencer says that he didn’t sleep with someone in Louise’s bed. Stevie says that he happens to know that he DID, actually. Spencer then says “yeah I did.”

At Jamie’s house, Proudlock is there. I am filled with despair. He is wearing a horrible vest and cap. The doorbell rings – its Tara. Proudlock calls her “T”. Oh, just stop it, Proudlock. Jamie and Tara talk sensibly and don’t have a row. Shame.

At the token party of the episode, Ollie is wearing pink trousers. He pops up in-between Cheska and Ashley like a fuchsia secretary bird. Ashley and Ollie then argue about the whole Oscar situation. I enjoy this because Ashley is showing a bit of feistiness. Ollie tells her they should spend more time apart. Not together…apart! She and her crimped hair-do storm off and Ollie doesn’t seem to really care.ROSIE

Spencer admits to Louise that he DID sleep with a random girl in her bed. They have a magnificent argument with Rosie sitting in the middle. Louise calls Spencer “a compulsive liar”. He compulsively lies by saying “no I’m not”. Naturally, Spencer starts to shout at Louise’s face, declaring that she and he had sex that very morning. Louise “swears on everyone she fucking knows” that he’s lying. Sadly, I believe Spenny for once. Louise has a weakness: thy name is Spencer. Rosie steals the show here, as she literally sits between the two of them not at all bothered about their row, probably thinking about what shade of mahogany she will get her nails done at her upcoming manicure appointment.

Predictions for next week: Lucy goes on the rebound by letting Spencer take her out, hoping that Jamie will care, but he won’t; Jamie will retract the statement he has made about loving Claudia Winkleman, because he can’t commit to a goldfish, let alone a girlfriend; Binky and Louise visit an antique book store to brush up on their Dickens; Ashley will bitch to Cheska about Ollie; Ollie will realise he is secretly in love with Oscar; Andy’s eye will morph into an individual entity, extract itself from its socket and return to its mothership, where it will deliver its earthly findings to the overlord.

Below is a montage of my reaction to Spencer and Louise’s argument, my cat’s reaction to it, and the PJ bottoms I was wearing last night whilst watching the show…

- – A

MONTAGE


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1 05 2013
Caggie Dunlop: @andrewjbullock I enjoyed this very much. | Drew Drawls...

[...] Queen of “Made In Chelsea” has not only retweeted my blog of yesterday, she has tweeted me: “@andrewjbullock I enjoyed this very much.” Wow. If [...]

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